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Category: Relationships

  • 10 Surprising Benefits Of a Broken Heart

    10 Surprising Benefits Of a Broken Heart

    Hello and welcome back! Today I’m talking about the ten surprising ways we benefit from a broken heart.

    Now, 3 of these are incredibly empowering

    They propel us forward and allow us to find the love and healing we deserve. The last 7 are the ones most people use. There’s benefit in them, but they are disempowering and self-sabotaging.

    Unfortunately, most of society uses these.

    1. For many people, it spurs them to seek help. When we seek help, we gain more profound self-awareness.  It’s hard to know every aspect of ourselves and having an outside reference helps.
    2. Here are some examples from clients of mine: a woman named Autumn came to me after many break-ups with narcissists. She suffered from anxiety, codependence, abuse.
    3. She was unaware but learned in this process that her anxiety was borne in childhood. Anxiety is caused by previous trauma that’s never been healed.
    4. Maybe you’re watching TV, and you get heart palpitations – it doesn’t make sense. You’re just relaxed watching TV. That’s your body sending you a signal that you have pain you’ve never dealt with.
    5. Autumn learned about the effects of childhood and where anxiety comes from through my online University classes.
    6. The longest she had gone without an anxiety attack in 40 years was four days. Now it’s been only one in a year. She’s elevated in her career now, developing a wonderful relationship with someone who is pursuing growth.
    7. Dave came to me because his marriage was falling apart. Dave was unaware of verbal abuse – he had no idea his wife was extremely verbally abusive.

    If someone tells you what you should think, feel, or do (especially in a demeaning way):

    1. That’s abuse. Many times there are also belittling aspects. Dave’s wife would condemn and criticize him all the time – he was completely unaware that this was abusive, and so was his wife.
    2. When he became aware, and I helped him gain the tools, the two of them could reconnect and save the marriage.
    3. Gerardo came to me because his marriage was falling apart – he knew nothing about narcissism. He joined my university program and didn’t show up the first three weeks – he was scared.
    4. Gerardo wasn’t aware he couldn’t advocate for himself because of narcissistic influences in his childhood. He didn’t know he was repeating the abuse and could stand up for himself.
    5. Once he began coming to the classes, He realized he couldn’t work with a narcissist – it’s impossible.
    6. He filed for divorce and was able to protect his son. By learning tools and skills and not being codependent. he can raise his son differently.
    7. His son won’t be conditioned and fall prey to the same type of woman. He can do things as a father to protect his son from taking on those personality traits.

    We learn more about what we do and don’t want.

    1. When we’re younger, most relationships we have when we’re younger teach us this: we get in them based on superficial things, and when we break up.
    2. we see what we don’t like. None of us have mapped out our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s.
    3. Before we go on one date, we need to map this out – but no one had taught us! We end up in relationships with conflicting values because we got wrapped up in the dynamic of attraction.
    4. Georgie came to me not realizing that she could not express her needs and wants because of her childhood. She’d complain her partner wouldn’t do this or that.
    5. She exclaimed that her partner “should know” what she needs and wants. No, they shouldn’t. It’s our job to communicate our needs and wants.
    6. Even if we tell them once, we need to say it o them every day because it is our need.
    7. Another client would get frustrated when her husband would not ask her how her day was every day – what’s foremost in her mind is different than his.

    It’s always our responsibility to continually ask for our needs and wants.

    1. It’s not their job to read our minds. As we gain maturity and Emotional Authenticity and ask for our needs and wants, the relationship will blossom.
    2. Manny came for something similar: he’d grown up in an abusive childhood with selfish addicts. He became an addict and struggled.
    3. He didn’t know how to communicate his needs and wants. It created a considerable relationship problem with his daughter.
    4. When Manny learned to become vulnerable, share his needs and wants, talk about his past, and share how he wants to be a good father: he saved his relationship with his daughter.
    5. Jay came to me because he was dating a woman who wouldn’t commit – they lived together, but she wouldn’t take the next step and marry him.
    6. As we talked about it, I realized Jay didn’t know his needs and wants because of his childhood – he had to take care of his parents.
    7. I told him to start saying “no” for the next week – even if it’s something he likes. He came in the next week talking about how he went to dinner with his girlfriend.
    8. His steak was undercooked, and he told the waiter it didn’t work for him and asked for it to be redone. His girlfriend was shocked, almost angry.
    9. She wondered what he was doing and why. He said it didn’t meet his needs and wants. She looked appalled, like she couldn’t figure him out.

    Three weeks later,

    1. I’m scrolling through Facebook and see Jay proposing to his girlfriend. She said yes. When he stood up for his needs and wants, he became safe, powerful, and sexy.
    2. A woman doesn’t need a man who’s a bully and a tyrant but a man with purpose and boundaries.
    3. We realize all of this started in our childhood, and we do the work to heal the wounds. It’s our wounds from childhood that has us picking people that break our hearts.
    4. Science proves it. I discuss it in my book, summarized by the worst day cycle. If your heart keeps breaking, you’re repeating the pain from your childhood .
    5. it has nothing to do with the other person. This brings me to Michelle: I urge you to watch the YouTube video on 23 Minutes to Forgiveness.
    6. Michelle was married to an alcoholic, took care of the kids, cleaning the house, all of it. He was totally irresponsible. She had tried everything.
    7. But she couldn’t forgive him. I helped her see she had never forgiven herself for taking care of her mother, and she had never forgiven her mother.
    8. She was self-sabotaging by always being the dutiful little girl – she was picking people to relive that. She couldn’t forgive him because she couldn’t forgive herself.

    This is true for everyone.

    1. I urge you to watch that video. I met Amy at a networking event, and she eventually got in touch with me because she and her recent husband were separating.
    2. Amy didn’t realize that it all tied to her father and a simple exchange with him as a child. I won’t repeat it, but it was something he said to her that left her with tremendous guilt and shame.
    3. She had to put up this wall and shut off her vulnerability. Her inability to open her heart was playing a massive role in the struggles in her marriage.
    4. She learned about it and was able to turn things around. Finally, Kelly’s story is one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve had as a coach – it shows that the most successful people have the most trauma.
    5. When she walked into the office, struggling with several addictions, could not cook or clean, she was utterly incapable of taking care of herself.
    6. Her mom was an executive at a huge Fortune 500 company and did incredible things, yet she made her daughter a prisoner by spoiling her. Kelly was in her late 20s and never had a job –

    Mom was paying for everything.

    1. Even worse, Kelly could have a huge bar bill, and mom would pay the bill, yet if Kelly did anything loving for herself like self-care, mom would threaten to pull the funding.
    2. Think about that. Because of her pain, her mother had created a child molded into an alcoholic, just like mom. We think spoiling is good.
    3. But it’s severely abusive – it’s “the best” for the parent. Parents use their children this way. Kelly didn’t know this – she was utterly unaware her mother made her a prisoner.
    4. I’ve never seen a client work so hard and transform her life.She is now self-sufficient and has a job.She regained control of her life and her identity. She’d rescued herself.

    Here are the seven disempowering “benefits” that most people use from a broken heart.

    To be clear, most are completely unaware that they are doing these things. These processes most often happen detached from conscious awareness, and even if pointed out to the person, they will deny this is what they are doing:

    1. They seek attention! What happens when we tell our friends or post on social media about our break-up? We get 300 people saying, “oh, you poor thing,” “You are so great, he/she is such a jerk.”
    2. That’s a significant benefit – we were obviously in a bad relationship, and now we get the attention that was lacking in the relationship.
    3. Here’s where it’s disempowering: we try to get others to fix it for us. The second someone offers a real solution; we won’t do it. Do you see why we won’t fix it?
    4. If we go and fix the problem, we lose all of that attention.
    5. We love when others want to fix it for us. Therefore, unconsciously we repeated the pattern and chose to relive it.
    6. By choosing not to become an expert in healing ourselves, we are choosing disempowerment and disempowered benefits. This ties directly into…

    Power.

    1. Total power. When we don’t take ownership of our choices and don’t do the work to heal, we get control over other people by getting other people to shower us with care and concern.
    2. This gives us an added benefit. We don’t have to take responsibility.
    3. If I stay stuck, I don’t have to get real help because my friends care more about fixing my problem than I do.
    4. Staying stuck, playing the victim, and letting others take responsibility for the issue gives a person tremendous power.
    5. We never have to be vulnerable. If we don’t do the work, we don’t have to be vulnerable. We get to stay in self-deception, claiming we want a relationship.
    6. But our actions make it impossible. So again, unconsciously we are benefitting by not doing the work to know why we picked this person.

    We never have to know ourselves.

    1. If we don’t know ourselves, we can never be in a real relationship which protects me from being vulnerable with another person.
    2. What a benefit. All the people I mentioned above who did the work opened themselves up and saved themselves by being vulnerable.
    3. Freedom. Doing all this gives us freedom. If I’m not vulnerable, it guarantees my relationship will end. It gives me freedom. If my friends take responsibility instead of me, I am free to do as I please.
    4. The big one: all of these keep us stuck as the adapted wounded child. I talk about this in detail in my book Your Journey To Success. To survive our parent’s imperfect parenting.

    we all adapt victim tendencies to create a connection with our parents as a survival mechanism.

    1. As adults, we won’t get help, learn, and heal wounds from our childhood for fear of losing the adapted false survival connection we developed with our parents.
    2. Most are so out of touch with reality and the truth of their childhood that they don’t even think this has anything to do with the parenting they experienced.
    3. As science proves, 95% of our adult lives we are stuck in our subconscious (childhood experiences), making choices and decisions based on what we experienced as a child.
    4. The pain in our adult lives is a direct reflection of the pain we experienced in childhood. There is a direct and irrefutable connection.
    5. We are all living as the adapted, wounded child. To find the love we deserve, as a society, we must own this and bring this truth to the masses.

    Why do we all do this? We are only 50 years into the deep exploration of psychology and talking about these dynamics as a society.

    Owe are fitting against centuries of a culture that refuses to deal with childhood and be open about their feelings and pain.

    Pain is growth.

    The avoidance of pain creates more pain. The only way to liberate pain is to become an expert in it. I gave you nine examples of people who went head-first into the pain and changed their lives. The solution is in our pain and darkness.

    Society has always told us we aren’t allowed to be negative – that’s no way to live.

    The only way we can indeed be positive is to become an expert in pain and stop the seven disempowering benefits.

    In America, we want to be kind and friendly. But the model we’ve been shown, which includes the seven disempowering benefits, is codependent and not love. It’s not kindness.

    It’s abusive and keeps us stuck as the victim. It robs us of greatness and potential, making sure we continue to suffer a broken heart.

    Here’s the thing:

    1. If you recognize this in yourself, stop.
    2. Stop posting and telling people about it – hire a professional.
    3. If you aren’t ready for that yet, read books, watch videos, learn your needs and wants, and heal your wounds.

    If you find yourself trapped with a friend or loved one who won’t address the seven disempowering benefits: the most loving thing you can do is stop listening.

    Tell them you now recognize if you continue to sit and listen to them, you enable them and are part of the problem.

    I urge us to stop the seven disempowering benefits and move into the three empowering methods to find the love we all crave and deserve.

    Enjoy The Journey!

    CLICK THE IMAGE FOR MORE INFORMATION

    Are you feeling stuck?

    Is your life just not working out the way you hoped?

     

    You’ve come to the right place.

    The Greatness University is a safe space for you to get back on track. Achieve your dreams by offering online masterclasses that provide you with the knowledge, skills, and tools to become the greatest version of yourself!

    Through developing Emotional Authenticity, you will accept your perfect imperfections and attain self-love! Break the chains of fear, put an end to people-pleasing,

     Say no with ease! Break free from toxic relationships by learning to set and negotiate healthy boundaries and create the lasting love and connection you deserve.

    You deserve to be happy and have a life where you feel safe enough to show up as your authentic self.

    And we know that it takes courage – but we also know that it’s worth every single step on this journey.

    You deserve a life free from toxic people, pain, and frustration. It doesn’t matter if you’re just starting out or have already walked a long way down this path .

    our courses will help you take the next step in your journey to the greatest version of yourself. Join us today!

     

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    Enjoy The Journey!

    Greatness U
    Guiding You To Be The Greatest Version of Yourself!
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

  • How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

    How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

    Today we’re breaking down the 5 step process so you can start saying no without feeling guilty – this is going to include two magic phrases that work every time. I am also going to talk about why we feel guilty for saying no.

    First, let’s start with the 5 step process.

    1. Make a list of all the people, places, and things you have a hard time saying no to. Then, rank them from easiest to hardest. For most of us, the toughest will be mom, dad, or family members! But we will not take them on from day one – we will worry about them later. So instead, I encourage you to start with an easier one.
    2. In step two, we want to lay out our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiables and non-negotiables. This step is critical. We want to do this for every area of our life: relationships, friends, as a parent, hobbies, career, all of it. Unfortunately, most people skip this step, which causes them to say yes to things that go against themselves. Sadly, if we haven’t done this step, we get stuck on whether to say yes or no to something.
    3. Now, when the request comes in, start with magic phrase number 1:

    “let me think about that, and I’ll get back to you.”

    The magic phrase allows us to create space, so we don’t get overrun by that guilt. It also gives us the freedom to ask ourselves if it fits our morals and values. It buys us time! Do this for every request you get the next week, even if you know it’s something you could immediately agree with. We want to practice using the magic phrase.

    4.    In step four, we want to ask ourselves four questions:

    Will I keep score? Am I tallying up what I’m doing for this person? If yes, I need to say no.

    Will I bring this up in the future? If yes, I need to say no.

    Will I harbor resentment if I do this for them? If yes, I need to say no.

    Imagine how a relationship ends: we end up listing everything we did for the other person and what we didn’t get in return. The other person isn’t to blame here – we went against ourselves because we never laid these steps out. We’re saying yes to things we don’t want to – and we are responsible for that. The movies and media teach us that if we love someone, we do everything for them, that we must say yes to everything. But that is not loving. If we have resentment and bring these up in the future, we weren’t saying yes from a loving place. We were after manipulation because we wanted something in return. Not because we are bad people, but because we have been taught this lie.

    The fourth question in step four that we need to ask ourselves is:

    Do I have the reserves? Just because we have been asked to do something we love doesn’t mean we have the energy for it at all times.

    Now that we have asked the four questions and decided to say no, we hit the final roadblock: most people hate saying “no.” And most people hate hearing it. Why? It feels like an attack.

    Growing up, we heard it so much from our parents, and they said no in such a way that it felt as though something was wrong with us. That’s why people tend to have a severe reaction to the word.

    5. It is now time for magic phrase number 2:

    “I thought about it, and this just doesn’t work for me.”

    The magic in this phrase comes alive because it is all about ourselves, so they don’t feel attacked. And they can’t argue with you. It’s over. There’s no talking you into it. So we never have to justify our no.

    Plus – you’re an adult. There’s no reason for you to justify your choices anymore, like when you were a child. Ultimately, if someone truly loves you, they won’t try to challenge you. People that question you don’t have your heart in mind. I’m not saying they don’t love and care about you – just that if they question you, their love and care are dysfunctional. They aren’t supportive and are more concerned with their need being met – that’s the hallmark of codependence.

    Some of you may use these steps and still feel guilty. So how do you stop it? Let’s talk about it.

    There are two main reasons why we feel guilty. First, instead of guilt, you may be feeling shame. Some people were sent the message they didn’t have value unless they were doing things for others. They were either told directly or indirectly that they have no worth. This left them with a deep shame core.

    The second is co-dependency. If we’re doing this out of a sense of guilt and obligation, we’re doing it to meet someone else’s needs. And their request is to meet their own needs – it’s not about you. We are raised with a standard that it’s our job to take care of others before ourselves. We can’t do that. We can only truly love someone by loving ourselves first – we can’t give away what we don’t have.

    How do we heal this? I’ve done two videos that can help: How to Heal From Your Past (this will help you work through your shame core) and

    (this will help with codependence). They’ll give you the knowledge to develop into a skill that becomes a tool to conquer both shame and codependence,

    If you are looking to gain the knowledge, skills, and tools to

    Say No with Ease,

    you might want to check out my new masterclasses?

    How To Put An End To People Pleasing
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

    If you prefer AUDIBLE, this is perfect for you.

    How To Put An End To People Pleasing  (Audio ONLY)
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

  • I Want You Back! Why An Ex Come Crawling Back!

    I Want You Back! Why An Ex Come Crawling Back!

    This question came from a Facebook fan.

    “Why does someone become more desirable when they are attached to someone else? My friend is about to become engaged, and her ex-fiancé is begging her to come back!

    He is professing his love, asking if it’s too late to win her back. It doesn’t make sense, and it never does!”

    This scenario is all too common and has nothing to do with the woman.

    It has everything to do with the man. Unfortunately, because of the lack of education on these topics, he believes he is professing his love

    But he is a love-avoidant codependent.

    We are all raised codependent, and the version of relationships we see in movies is codependent. We rarely have an example of an actual healthy relationship.

    Therefore, we think codependency is a normal relationship, and that is why most relationships fail.

    This phenomenon is partially responsible for the high divorce rate.

    The woman told me she and her friend and ex-fiancé had attended marriage counseling. The ex left counseling saying he wasn’t sure if he loved her .

    This happens a lot with a love avoidant codependent. An avoidant is scared of intimacy and being known. The closer they get to the connection, the more likely they are to turn away.

    Even someone who is suddenly “too busy” to be with you is most often suffering from love-avoidant, codependent intimacy issues.

    The bigger and deeper fear for these people is abandonment.

    For example, this man likely experienced abandonment as a child from his caregivers.

    So he is triggered and projecting this trauma onto her (it is important to remember he does not know he is doing this . it is not malicious intent).

    Now that she has moved on, he feels he has been left, that is why he is throwing everything at her to get her to stay, but it isn’t real love.

    It’s deep-rooted abandonment fears. If she takes him back, he will most often leave again when the prospect of connection and intimacy returns.

    This man is screaming to cover over his abandonment fears! The best solution for the woman? Ignore him.

    The most loving thing she can do is stop communicating and let him learn on his own to deal with those feelings.

    If she tries to talk him through it, it robs him of the opportunity to search out the knowledge, skills, and tools to heal.

    If you are in this situation, my suggestion is to empathize that this person is hurting from something you did not cause (and they don’t know), but tell them you are with someone else and end communication with them.

    Learn more here:

    How To Break Free From Toxic Relationship Patterns
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

  • How Much Communication Should Their be With an Ex

    How Much Communication Should Their be With an Ex

    Recently, a friend asked me what the right amount of communication between exes should be? She is worried about how her boyfriend and his ex text constantly. They text when she’s lying in bed with him, and there’s always a text when they wake up. My friend feels like she’s married but living in the same house with this other woman sharing her husband. How much communication is appropriate?

    Unfortunately, this happens quite a bit. We are not taught much about relationships and thus don’t realize this is massively codependent and a sign that they have not emotionally disengaged from their former partner. Due to the lack of teaching about what constitutes a healthy relationship, these people likely don’t know this – it may be an innocent mistake. Regardless, in this instance, the communciation goes against my friends morals and values so she must put some boundaries in place.

    The key with boundaries is to understand that they are not meant to control or change the other person – instead, our goals are to be known, to meet our need to love ourselves and share how we feel with our partner. This way, both can decide if they want to be in the relationship.

    There are 6 key building blocks to setting boundaries:

    1. Share what you observe. Tell the person you see them communicating with their ex, texting and calling at inappropriate times.
    2. Share your feelings about what you observe? You might feel rejected, replaced, or inadequate? Whatever your true feelings may be, express them.
    3. Share what you “make up” about your feelings? It is important we own that we are making this interpretation up and choosing to have these feelings. We are not mind readers. We might be “making up” that our partner is still in a relationship with this other person or as though we don’t matter to our partner?
    4. Ask for what you want and need. For example, “Would you be willing to consider putting a plan in place to stop the communication?”
    5. Celebrate their “no.” Asking for our needs and want is not about control or getting them to change; it’s about self-love and advocating for ourselves. We celebrate when our partner says no to our request because we recognize they are advocating for their own needs, and they have every right to do so.
    6. Have a plan for their “no.” This is your backup plan. If your significant other refuses to let up on communication, insisting it’s innocent, explain, “ I appreciate that, but it just doesn’t work for me. I will get back to you and let you know what I decide.”  Your choice could be sleeping in the spare bedroom or a hotel or ending the relationship? It really depends on your own morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s and non-negotiable’s. Once you decide, express your decision to them.

    Boundaries are not about controlling or getting what we want. The other person doesn’t need to change. They get to be whoever they want. Boundaries are about advocating for ourselves, sharing and being authentically vulnerable so we can be known. Explaining how we are choosing to make ourselves feel in a situation like this is extremely vulnerable. We are giving them a look inside at our insecurities and what matters to us. That’s what boundaries are about – true, real intimacy. Intimacy is “In-to-me-I-let-you-see.”

    Here’s the beauty in setting a boundary: we both get to step back and reevaluate the state of the relationship. He decides if he wants to be in a relationship with someone uncomfortable with his communication. She decides if she wants to be in a relationship with someone who won’t give up communicating with his ex? It might just be a simple misunderstanding and with vulnerable communication the relationship grows deeper? Both people win.

    In addition, we learn about ourselves, each other, and what our non-negotiable’s are. If we keep our feelings to ourselves and put up with it, we’re hurting our partner as much as we feel hurt by them. All of that unspoken hurt, frustration and anger will come out passive aggresively.

    Saying “yes” to things that go against our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s and non-negotiable’s is not loving. That is codependency.

    Enjoy The Journey! ??

    If you would like to learn more, check out the video here:

  • How To Set Boundaries

    How To Set Boundaries

    WLearning how to create boundaries for yourself is essential to heal codependence, develop true intimacy and connection in our relationships, and live content, peaceful, happy lives.

    The Two Types of Boundary Systems

    • external boundary system (physical): Our external boundary consists of how close we allow somebody to get to us and whether we allow sexual intimacy.
    • Internal boundary system (emotions): The internal boundary consists of our thoughts, feelings, and actions, and how to express them moderately and allow somebody else to express their thoughts, feelings, and actions without losing containment of our emotional and intellectual condition even when the other person is not healthy and moderate.

    How to create and protect external physical boundaries

    Physical boundaries revolve around hugs, personal touches, and personal belongings.

    If you want to set a physical boundary around your belongings, you might say to someone: “My personal belongings are off-limits. If you’d like to investigate those things, please ask my permission.”

    Sometimes we feel bad or guilty and want to withdraw our boundaries, but remember that those feelings of guilt are a sign of codependence. You’re giving yourself away, going against yourself, and letting those feelings influence you to drop your boundaries.

    When it comes to physical intimacy, we get to decide who, what, when, where, and how we are physically intimate. The best way to do this before we enter a situation where we are unsure about our boundaries is to make a plan ahead of time in our minds and ask ourselves, “What are my boundaries around this person or situation?” and then when you are with that person you can say, “This is how I view this, and this is when it’s okay for me, what are your thoughts?”

    It may be too early in the relationship to express that, but you want a plan in place until that time comes so that if somebody’s going to be more aggressive about it, you know exactly what to say and exactly what to do.

    How to create and protect internal emotional boundaries

    The best way to protect ourselves emotionally is to create a forcefield around our hearts and who we are. For instance, a common way to do this is to imagine a castle with a drawbridge where we are in control of who gets across and doesn’t get across the bridge, and we are safe in the castle where we have a way not to catch other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions that come towards us. Others have used the idea of a glass jar dropping over top of themselves with a door that only they can open from the inside. This allows them to control what thoughts and feeligns to allow in and which ones they want to let bounce off.

    We always get to decide if we let any of someone else’s emotions in.

    If we ever hear someone say, “Well, you made me feel,” that’s a sign of co-dependence. While nobody can ever make us feel anything because we decide if we will take on their reality and their belief about us or the situation. If someone else’s stuff gets in, that’s our responsibility. We have lost our boundaries and it is our job to fix that. We can negate it if we choose, so the castle or glass jar are important visualizations to protect us.

    When we learn how to navigate emotional intimacy boundaries with someone, the best example is imagining pedals in a car. While, if you’re on a first date, and you speed up to 5, 8, 10 miles an hour telling about your past, watch what they do.

    Do they back off?

    Do they shut down?

    Maybe it’s a bit too much.

    Or maybe they join you.

    Then the dynamic moves into, “Oh, we have mutual emotional boundaries. We’re working on this together. We’re staying moderate. Working as a team here.”

    When you’re sharing your emotional intimacy, think of gas pedals and protecting yourself. If you feel safe and protected, keep accelerating. So, if you don’t feel safe and protected, then back off and protect yourself.

    Enjoy The Journey ??

    If you’d like to deep dive deeper, you can check out the video below.

    I also recommend reading Pia Mellody’s book Facing Codependence. You can read my Book Summary and purchase it here.

    CLICK THE IMAGE TO LEARN MORE

    Are You Tired of Being in a Toxic Relationship?

    You’re not alone. Millions of people are stuck in codependent relationships that make them feel bad about themselves and don’t know how to break free. We’ve all been there.

    Or maybe you find yourself always attracted to someone who is not good for you, and the cycle starts again.

    But it doesn’t have to be this way! There is hope! We will help you find your way out of the darkness and into the light.

    If you are single, you deserve better than being stuck in a cycle of narcissistic abuse or neglect. You deserve love and kindness! Don’t let another day go by where someone else controls your happiness or self-worth. Take control today with this course and start living life on your terms again! Save yourself from heartache and take back control of your life with this course!

    If you have a partner, it’s time to take back control of your life. Also start learning how to save and resurrect a toxic, broken, codependent relationship. For instance, fill it with love, safety, affection, kindness, understanding, intimacy, and mutual connection. Start living the romantic life you deserve by breaking free from your toxic codependent relationship patterns today.

    It doesn’t have to be like this forever – we want to show you how it could be different for you now. All it takes is one step at a time…and we’ll walk with you every step of the way on your journey to the loving relationship you deserve.

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  • How to Cope with Emotionally Shut Down Men

    How to Cope with Emotionally Shut Down Men

    Many women find themselves frustrated while in a relationship with an emotionally shut-down man, and they want to try and change them or fix them. But, unfortunately, this causes distance in relationships, and neither side gets their needs met.

    When we understand why men shut off their emotions and why it isn’t the woman’s job to fix them, we can set both sides free from the codependent dance.

    Why do men shut off their emotions?

    There are two reasons why men shut off their emotions:

    1. Society created this dynamic
    2. Enmeshment in childhood

    Because the parent created this dynamic and normalized it in childhood, we continue to perpetuate it as a society into adulthood.

    How does childhood contribute to the creation of emotionally shut down men?

    For centuries, we have perpetuated the stereotype and dynamic that men need to be intense, cold, aloof, and not cry. Therefore, we have a society of men who believe that sharing their emotions would make them look weak, so they shut them off.

    It is a paradox because many women tend to find this cold, confident, masculine man attractive, so society reinforces this dynamic, even though, in reality, many women get frustrated when their partners are closed off from them emotionally.

    How can men turn on their emotions?

    The good news is, men are not permanently emotionless. Due to the discoveries on neuroplasticity, we now know that we can change the brain and adapt to become whatever we want. DNA and genes vary based on emotions. That means the emotional condition can shift the DNA, and the possibility is there to transform men into the emotionally available partners in relationships that women are desperately seeking.

    How does enmeshment create emotionally closed-off men?

    Many emotionally avoidant men grew up in a home where they enmeshed with their mother or father (or sometimes both). We can think of enmeshment as an umbilical cord that goes in the opposite direction. Instead of the parent feeding the child emotionally, the parent requires them to meet their emotional needs.

    This type of parenting leaves the child emotionally drained and fearful of connection as an adult. A typical example of this is a parent who makes their child their best friend or is the helicopter ‘rescuer’ type of parent who always swoops in to clean up the mess the child makes, even in adulthood.

    Due to enmeshment, when men are in a relationship with a woman and the woman wants to get close, it’s terrifying because the man has the same familiar feelings from childhood, “Oh no, I’ve already had the life sucked out of me, I can’t let this happen again.”

    To men who suffered enmeshment, intimacy seems incredibly terrifying because they had to spend their entire childhood making one or both parents feel better. Naturally, therefore, they have a fear of getting close to anyone and going through that same experience.

    Why do women try to change emotionally avoidant men?

    Commonly, women find themselves in a codependent mindset when they want to change them. Statements such as, “But I care about them so much, I just want him to open up. I know they have a great heart” are evidence of their codependence.

    The issue with what the woman is asking for is that it starts with “I.” “I want to help them.”. The woman’s desire to help, in this case, is a need to meet their own needs through the man. It is the man’s job to address these topics on his own. Therefore, it is a backdoor manipulation to get what they want.

    In a non-codependent dynamic, a man gets to choose whether or not he opens up emotionally; it’s not the women’s job to try and change him. They get to live the way they choose.

    Without awareness, women will not see how it’s less than loving to approach someone in a relationship and try and change them, but they can work on their role in the relationship with understanding. The key to freedom is for her to focus on codependence recovery.

    How women can learn to meet their own needs

    The first step in learning to meet our needs in a relationship is to stop blaming others and recognize our job to meet our needs and not the other person’s responsibility. To end the blame, we have to come to terms with the truth that we chose this person and allowed them into our life. They were this way from the beginning, and they showed us who they are, and we accepted it. It’s possible that the man may have been more open at the beginning of the relationship and then started to shut down later on, but that’s because of enmeshment – the closer a woman tries to get to them in a relationship, the more they will withdraw.

    If our relationship lacks connection, it’s a good idea to sit down and think about or write about why we picked someone who isn’t available for an emotional connection.

    Learning how to ask for needs and wants in a relationship

    When we are in a codependent dynamic, it’s common to not ask for our needs and wants and think that the other person is a mind reader. When we get silent and say to ourselves, “Well, he should just know.” It’s impossible for another person to know our needs and wants, especially if we don’t know them ourselves.

    Asking for our needs and wants is the first step in moving out of a codependent dynamic. The second piece of that is understanding that it’s not the other person’s job to meet our needs and wants. They get to say no. Asking doesn’t always mean receiving.

    We should always have a backup plan for our needs and wants; for those occasions, our partner says, No! A backup plan can include:

    • Going to a support group.
    • Meeting up with friends for lunch.
    • Calling someone to connect.

    We can celebrate that our partner cannot always meet our need for connection. Whatever our other requirements may be at the time.

    When we need that intimacy and connection, we meet the need ourselves.

    Determining negotiables and non-negotiables in a relationship

    When we are in a relationship, it’s our responsibility to determine what is negotiable or non-negotiable for us and not try and change the other. Suppose we find ourselves frustrated that we are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man? In that case, we can ask ourselves if that part of their personality is negotiable or non-negotiable for us?

    For example, they may be capable of many other things that align with our needs and wants? But, if being in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable is non-negotiable – then we get an opportunity to decide to look for a new relationship.

    Conclusion

    When we find ourselves in a relationship with emotionally unavailable people, we have to ask ourselves what it is about someone emotionally unavailable that we want in our lives? What is the relationship reflecting about ourselves?

    How can we meet our own needs and wants instead of expecting someone who isn’t emotionally available to do it for us? And, if that’s the case, we also get to decide if being with someone emotionally unavailable is negotiable or non-negotiable for us.

    If you’d like to learn more, you can deep dive with my YouTube video ‘How to Cope with Emotionally Shut Down Men’:

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    In this class, you will discover why Emotional Authenticity is the most crucial tool you MUST have to achieve your dreams and why our emotions determine our outcomes and not our thoughts. Finally, how Emotional Authenticity stops the sabotaging nature of the brain.

    You will heal and release old feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, emptiness. Transform them into happiness, joy, excitement, and empowerment.

    With Emotional Authenticity as your guide, anything is possible!

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    That’s why we offer this course as an easy-to-follow guide with videos, exercises, and activities that will give you the knowledge, skills, tools—and most importantly—the motivation needed to reach Emotional Authenticity in just 30 days!

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  • 7 Reasons Why it is Impossible To Have a Relationship With an Addict

    7 Reasons Why it is Impossible To Have a Relationship With an Addict

    Is it possible to have a genuinely loving, connected, intimate relationship with an addict who is active in their addiction? The simple answer is no.

    No Mutual Sharing

    Addicts are self-absorbed, so any mutual sharing of information, of their heart, or their interests doesn’t exist. A lack of mutual sharing is a barrier to intimacy. That is because the addiction runs everything, so any sharing they do is manipulative.

    No Stability

    With addicts, everything’s intense. Therefore, addicts are completely impulsive and compulsive, which leads to a lack of stability. When there’s a lack of stability in a relationship, it creates a high state of stress and fear and a massive amount of intensity.

    No Trust

    Addicts lie, they manipulate, they steal. They’ll do anything to keep the addiction going. They’ll hide it from you. They are covert in their ways. Therefore, trust is not possible, and neither is intimacy and connection.

    Inability to Connect

    At the heart of addiction is intolerable emotional pain.

    The addiction is there so that they don’t feel that intolerable pain, and if they can’t feel their pain and are numb, they can’t feel you.

    They won’t be able to express themselves, and they won’t be there for you emotionally. However, healthy relationships and intimacy require a person to be in touch with their feelings.

    Self-Loathing

    Addiction comes from self-loathing because every addict goes against their morals and values, needs and wants negotiables, and non-negotiables. As a result, they don’t want to be an addict, even if they try and convince you by saying, “Oh, I’m not an addict,” or “It’s no big deal, I’m fine.”

    All of that is a lie, and the lies that they continue to tell are more self-loathing and more of the pain they project onto you. Since they cannot take ownership, they won’t see that their lies aren’t true.

    Delusion

    Addicts operate from a skewed reality. But addicts are extremely convincing. After all, they’ve convinced themselves and most likely you that they need the substance or are not abusing the substance.

    Detachment

    Addicts survive their unhealed pain by detaching from reality. They aren’t present in the world, and therefore they aren’t present in the relationship. When in a relationship with an addict, you’re essentially in a relationship with an actor. Can you have a relationship with an actor? Of course not. Is there true, authentic intimacy? Of course not.

    Solution

    If you’re in a relationship with an addict, there’s only one solution. You have to face the addiction and accept that you can do nothing to stop it. The addict comes to that on their own. Typically an addict will exhaust all of their denial mechanisms until they’re in so much pain that the consequences of continuing the addiction feel worse than the addiction itself. For some people, that never happens because usually, they’re great at finding enablers to keep it going.

    Conclusion

    If you’re in a relationship with an addict, you’re not really in a relationship because it’s a codependent dual enabling. So there’s not an authentic relationship or authentic intimacy.

    It’s two people doing the best they can with where they are at the moment. Both of them are hurting; both of them are perfectly imperfect.

    Life is so challenging because we don’t teach how to navigate these complex issues. Ultimately it all boils down to a choice:

    Would we like to live a little bit better and in a little bit less pain?

    If that’s what you want, there’s only one way.

    We have to face the pain that created the pain on both sides: for the addict and the enabler of the addict’s behavior.

    Enjoy The Journey??

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