Imagine you’re in a relationship, and things are going great. But then, suddenly, the man in your life starts acting weird. He’s distant and moody – just not himself. So what could be the problem? Let’s explore the three main reasons that men end up in the doghouse!

Reason #1: Society and emotions

Men are told not to have or express emotions, and if they do open up, other men will shame them. This is because society tells men that feelings are bad. While this perception is starting to change a little bit, it’s a belief that has been ingrained in the culture for decades, which means the change isn’t an easy one.

Example

An example of this can be seen with NFL player Odell Beckham Jr., who was going through a difficult period. In one clip, he can be seen freaking out on the sidelines – throwing a fit, pouting, crying, and acting in an overall childish manner. However, we know that someone acting like a child does so because they’re in pain. Although his behavior was very erratic and unprofessional, it was telling of a bigger problem he was experiencing.

Hall-of-Famer, Ray Lewis, commented on the clip, saying that it was perfectly okay for Odell to lose his temper and get angry, but the tears were unacceptable. He chastised and belittled Odell Beckham Jr. for the tears but not for the anger. In fact, he celebrated the anger.

Toxic masculinity

When we think about the term “toxic masculinity,” we often associate it with What Puts Men In The Doghouse However, the birthplace of this toxicity is how men treat other men. Tears and emotion are the essences of life; it’s human nature. As men are raised to believe that emotion is bad, they pass it on to other men, perpetuating the same incorrect ideals. It’s these men who are then treating women in a similarly hurtful way.

It is perfectly okay to experience and display emotion when we are going through traumatic and challenging periods in our life. However, the essential feeling for this – beyond anger and fits – is tears and sadness.

Reason #2: How men are raised.

Young boys are taught that they cannot express their thoughts or feelings, and they can’t ask for their needs or wants to be met. They are meant to be independent with no need for anyone else.

As boys grow up, they face difficulties when they try and stand up for their needs because it’s now ingrained in everyone’s mind that this is unacceptable. Society has skewed what personifies healthy male emotions.

Reason #3: Fear in men

Men fear that they will be rejected or reprimanded for sharing what they feel. This stems from personal experiences of speaking one’s mind in the past. As a result, men are often met with ridicule or have their thoughts and feelings dismissed. Therefore, men have to walk a fine line between being labeled ‘toxic’ or a ‘wimp,’ so it becomes easier and less dangerous to remain silent and avoid judgment altogether.

So, how do we heal this problem?

Men, ask yourselves this: has that old model of masculinity worked? Being forced to be the strong, independent man of the past means that you’re unable to open up and receive intimacy. When you’re unwilling to open up to a woman, they’re unlikely to feel a connection, which means time in the bedroom is often sacrificed. So, is that false version of ‘masculinity’ paying off?

If it’s not, and you’re ready to face the false narrative that labels you as a ‘wimp,’ you can start creating connection and intimacy, achieving a true vision of what a man is. A man can navigate both sides of the dynamic. He can be strong and ask for his needs and wants without being demanding or abusive. On the other hand, getting in touch emotionally from a place of inner security is incredibly attractive to women.

Exercise

Ladies, if you’re trying to help your partner get in touch with his feelings, you can start with an exercise that asks him to share three feelings he’s experienced that day. The emotions don’t have to be detailed and profound, but they do have to be honest. For example, maybe he felt insecure because his boss asked him to take on a new project?

Although it may be demanding, ladies don’t give feedback. Don’t try to fix it. Your goal is to create a sense of safety for their vulnerability, and providing any feedback will hinder that progress. Just listen and thank them for sharing; ask them if there’s any more. Please give them the space and safety to start learning that healthy way of sharing themselves.

Women make sure you don’t get upset when they open up, even if it isn’t what you want to hear. As soon as you jump in and try to correct what he’s saying or punish him for what he’s saying, guess what’s going to happen? He’ll close right up again because you will have proven to him that when he opens up, he immediately gets an adverse reaction.

Reacting negatively includes chastising him for keeping his emotions bottled up or not letting you know how he felt earlier. That will just encourage him to withdraw and be more hesitant about sharing things in the future.

Instead of giving any feedback, turn everything you want to say into a question: For instance,

1-What do you think made you feel insecure?

2-Have you ever done anything like this before?

3-Why do you think your boss did that?

4-What did your coworkers say?

5-What do you think you’re going to do?

Remember, the goal is to get to know your partner and create a safe place that fosters your partner to feel empowered to act and open up to you again later on down the line.

Enjoy The Journey ??

To learn more, watch the video here:

Have you ever considered that it’s better to be liked than loved? Although this sounds a bit counterintuitive, it will start to make sense when we understand the difference between the two.

Understanding what it means to be loved

When you think about what you want in a partner, what are the first things that come to your mind? Someone who looks a certain way, acts a certain way, enjoys the same things as you, works in a particular type of career, wants or doesn’t want children? Usually, people will list qualities like these when explaining who might interest them. However, a quality they will rarely list is being liked. This concept rarely occurs to anyone.

If you think about love and what we’ve all been taught, our perception of our ideal partner gets split into what would make them perfect – being kind, athletic, adventurous, etc. – and what would make them imperfect – dull, annoying, lazy, etc. We are all about welcoming those perfections and shaming those imperfections. Love then turns into this notion that you will love a person despite how horrible they are.

Love starts to only reside in those expected perfections; it has to have that magical feeling. Considering love as perfection is unreasonable. You’re essentially saying, ‘if you loved me, you would never be those negative things.’ This is a perfectionist attitude and suggests that loving that person is conditional and based on being the ideal version of themselves.

These high expectations may seem like a way to value yourself in a relationship. However, what it’s really saying is you’re insecure and creates a power dynamic of someone being less than you. So, what do we do? We hide our imperfections from each other. Because for us to seek out love, everything has to be perfect.

‘Perfect’ is an unattainable standard, and focusing on achieving perfection is rarely going to lead to happiness. Therefore, it’s better to find someone who likes you for you and not solely for the perfect qualities you possess.

Understanding what it means to be liked

If you take the example of a best friend, they likely know all about your imperfections – your quirky habits, your relationship troubles, your poor career, and all of your other downfalls. They have likely seen you at your worst and experienced parts of your personality that strangers probably haven’t. But despite ALL of the imperfections they witness in you, they still like you. Isn’t that amazing? They accept your perfect imperfections. Liking someone means encompassing the whole picture – the perfections and the imperfections.

Love demands intensity and is super-charged with emotion. When that feeling is gone, usually, so is the relationship. Liking someone, on the other hand, is quiet. We can enjoy that calm emotional state and still enjoy their presence without the need for performance or perfection.

Liking is also more accepting. It forgives and has no demands. We give so much more grace to those we like than we do to those we love. And in return, someone who likes us is accepting of us. They know that we are not perfect and get that. Some may say that is what love is, but how many people can honestly say they live that love?

If you love without liking, you’ll find that it’s much more difficult to find it within yourself to provide patience, honesty, vulnerability, and transparency.

These things are why it is essential to reexamine the idea of being liked versus being loved.

Enjoy The Journey

To learn more, check out the video here:

Welcome back! Today I want to share the 10 Do’s and Don’ts to have a successful and loving relationship.

something we all want in our lives. I’ll give you 10 Do’s, 10 Don’ts, then break down what’s causing the 10 Don’ts. Unless we deal with the core problem, we won’t be able to stop the Don’ts!

Let’s get started with the Do’s – those in a great relationship have the following traits:

1. They recognize it’s never their partner’s job to meet their needs and wants. It’s wonderful when they do.
2. But they don’t expect it. They recognize it’s their own responsibility, so they put a plan in place to meet their needs and wants themselves.
3. They don’t fear their partner will betray them. They aren’t snooping, controlling, or spying on their partner.
4. They have general security that their partner is invested in them and cares about them.
5. They see the world as basically decent – that people, in general, are decent.
6. Sure, there are less-than-perfect people out there, but their general worldview is positive rather than negative.
7. They see themselves as lovable and worthy of love. They recognize their great qualities and their perfect imperfections.
8. They’re open to the possibility that someone else out there has the same feelings about themselves and is willing to accept those perfect imperfections.

  Don’t allow harmful behaviors.

1. They don’t make excuses for them, and they don’t condone them.
2. They recognize harmful behaviors as intolerable. They say no to them immediately.
3. They don’t abandon themselves to be loved. They don’t give up their friends, family, hobby, or career to be loved.
4. They keep attached to what matters to them, and if someone asks them to give those up, they won’t. That makes them available for a healthy relationship.
5. They know their morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s.
6. They know how to communicate with them openly. They aren’t afraid to ask their partner for help, and they don’t expect their partner to read their mind. They constantly communicate from this place of inherent worth.
7. They believe in setting boundaries and that saying no is loving. They don’t see this as cold or problematic.
8. Saying no means love because it removes the possibility of saying yes to things expecting something in return which is manipulative.

 See that boundaries create safety and love.

1. They never enable, rescue, or play the parent with their partner. They know their partner will struggle, and they have faith that they’ll figure it out.
2. They don’t try to gain false power or esteem over their partner by fixing it for them.
3. Instead, they pick partners who can do it on their own.
4. They embrace the fact that relationships are difficult. They don’t pull away or run away or quit.
5. Instead, they stay engaged and recognize the difficulties are what create long-lasting intimacy and connection.
6. They’ll use difficulties to learn about each other and gain deeper trust and understanding in each other.

That is the foundation for people in healthy relationships. This is what they believe about themselves, and they always go back to that base. This is where they originate relationships.

Don’ts

Now let’s get into the Don’ts – the polar opposite of the Dos. You see these in almost every movie or TV show. What we’ve had modeled for us is very unhealthy.

These things are not OK in a relationship. If you find yourself on this list, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

Don’t beat yourself up – you can’t be blamed for doing things you were taught to do. If this is the first time you hear these, that means this is the first day you have a choice.

You can choose to learn new information to gain the knowledge, skills, and tools to have the relationship you deserve – that’s what matters.

Own the past but don’t blame yourself. You can sit down with your partner and use this as a springboard to strengthen your relationship.

1. They believe the partner should meet their needs and wants at all times. Even worse, that their partner should know what they are and that they never have to request them to be met.
2. In almost every relationship, clients tell me they’ve told their partner what they want a thousand times, that they should know. I remind them that while that would be ideal.
3. it’s important to you but maybe not to them. That doesn’t make them bad people. It’s not their job – their life is filled with their own needs and wants.
4. Our partners are human, so yes, they’re going to forget. In a poor relationship, there is this constant demand that our partner is focused on us at all times.
5. That belief is codependent, manipulative, destructive, and unhealthy. It’s never our partner’s job to meet our needs and wants. It’s wonderful when they do, but if they don’t – it’s not about them, it’s about us.
6. Instead, we will want to look at ourselves and ask why we picked a partner who doesn’t meet our needs and wants as much as we would like?
7. No trust. We need to control, spy, and snoop. We constantly put the latches on our partners because of our own fears, insecurities, and abandonment issues.

A lack of trust in others is hiding a lack of trust in ourselves for our previous choices. That’s not about them, though they may have been perfectly imperfect.

1. Ultimately it means we have a trust issue with ourselves.
2. We then project our lack of trust in ourselves outward and might think everyone is inherently bad or deceptive – that everyone is a problem, everything is a danger.
3. A basic belief that we’re unlovable or unworthy of love. This shows up in the first 2 traits. If we do the previous things, it’s because we think something’s defective in us.
4. Instead of learning to love ourselves, we become controlling and hypervigilant to make sure the other person loves us.
5. Oftentimes we are detached from these deeper feelings and don’t recognize our behaviors.
6. Again, not because we are bad, but movies and TV have taught us always to play the victim and live in the fantasy that it is the other person’s job to adore us at all times.
7. No one will love us unless we put up with this bad behavior. You may wonder why people stay in abusive relationships? I have a client who calls me every week, telling me she’s broken up with her boyfriend for the last time.
8. The next session starts with how they got back together, and she laments about how he is still doing and saying hurtful things.

violence in the relationship

1. The violence in the relationship only escalates, yet she keeps going back. The going back is a product of the lack of love for herself.
2. Like so many others, she is minimizing the bad behaviors.
3. A need for constant approval and affirmation. This shows up in the inability to take criticism or be wrong. It is a belief that our partner will constantly have to have our back in any disagreements.
4. There is a demand for constant support. I call this the Kardashian model of love. They speak about this often. I use this very extreme example to show how absurd that belief is because it brings home the point.
5. if we believe our partner is supposed to meet our needs constantly and support us, have our backs, never go against us. it opens a door.
6. What if your partner came to you saying they’re bored in life, so to spice things up, they will become a serial killer.
7. If we were always to support them and have their back.we would have to be OK with that! If you believe your partner needs to support you constantly, this is.

 in essence, what you’re advocating for.

1. Everyone is perfectly imperfect, and everyone has behaviors that shouldn’t be supported.
2. It’s loving for a partner to confront and kindly show us we didn’t have a great moment.
3. Sacrificing everything for the partner. You see this all the time – people giving up friends, hobbies, careers.
4. I did this in my first marriage – in fact, I did everything on this list. I went about 10 years without seeing my family because it was what she wanted.
5. All I knew were the messages from movies, media, and TV and if I loved her I had to sacrifice everything for her.
6. We don’t know our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s. Again, this was me in my first marriage.
7. I remember laying on my bed as a kid, wondering who would marry me: if she’d be nice or pretty. I had no idea I could decide my morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s.
8. I spent years waiting for someone to pick me up. It’s the biggest pitfall I see in relationships: we never sit down and ask ourselves these questions.
9. Every area of my life didn’t line up with my first wife because I never sat down and mapped these things out – that’s on me. How could she meet my needs and wants if our morals and values were opposite?
10. No boundaries and the inability to say no.

Why do relationships break up?

1. You hear people exclaiming, I did this and that for the other person, and how the other person wouldn’t do something for them.
2. That means we did all those things in the hopes of getting those things in return. That is manipulation. It shows we didn’t want to do them.
3. They went against our morals and values. The proof is we are throwing it in their face, keeping score, and resenting them. That’s why “no” is the most loving word a partner can tell us.
4. We inherently know they won’t throw it in our face or beat us up in the future. For instance, My first wife loved to go to garage sales, and I hated them.
5. But, under the guidelines of self-sacrifice, I would go, spending hours in the car on the weekends. Then at night, I’d be passive-aggressive, make snotty comments, and take it out on her.
6. Where is the love in that? If you hear yourself in this, don’t shame yourself.

Recognize you did the best you could, and you’re here, learning now

1. Recognize you did the best you could, and you’re here, learning now. Commit to loving yourself, love your partner, by starting to say no.
2. We feel a sense of recognition, power, and joy from rescuing, enabling, and saving our partners. This was me, again. My ex was a pill addict.
3. I’d drive all across the state, going to her friends’ house, lying to pharmacies and doctors, trying to get more pills. I was totally enabling her addiction but thinking I was rescuing her from being hurt.
4. I thought if I did this, maybe she’d have sex with me. It was all a manipulation. When people give themselves away to do for others, it’s a false power dynamic.
5. They can harbor and sit in the resentment, never having to face their manipulation. I used to say I quit pro hockey, I gave up my family, I gave up sex, I changed careers, I changed my whole life for her:
6. And she wouldn’t sleep with me. She wouldn’t stop hitting me.  I’m not condoning any of her behaviors, but I was never taught about the Do’s, boundaries, or a healthy relationship: I was manipulative and responsible. We have to take ownership of our part to change it.

Relationships are avoided.

1. These are the people that say, “Oh, I’m done with relationships! Men/women are all liars and cheaters.” If they are in a relationship, they won’t open up to their partner or be vulnerable.
2. Instead, because of the lack of knowledge, skills, and tools, they stay stuck in their pain, avoid relationships and project the problem onto others.

Finally, we get down to what causes all of this: most people live in the Don’ts because of their poor attachment with their parents in childhood.

We want it to be about the partner, but even if they start doing everything we want, we have no shot if we don’t go back and heal our trauma.

The 10 Don’ts are false coping skills we developed because of our parents’ perfect imperfections and the false models we have seen on TV, in movies, and the media.

We adopted the Don’ts to survive.

This played out recently. I was on a podcast where the interviewer told me how she wanted to become a lawyer because it was her parent’s dream for her.

Luckily she realized it and stopped but her mom is still running her life, podcast, and business.

She’s still trying to please her parents. I found out later her mother was upset with me after I explained this to her – the mom didn’t want to take ownership of her perfect imperfections.

I find that so sad that parents have such a hard time owning their imperfections.

I know it’s uncomfortable to admit these things about our parents or as parents to admit them to ourselves, and I’m not always the best at communicating it, but I’m not trying to blame parents.

I do believe it is loving to hold them accountable but not blamed. My goal is to break the wall of denial down, and my heart is to do it lovingly.

Every scientific process out there shows all of our perfect imperfections are a result of our childhood.

If we’re not addressing childhood trauma, we’re not addressing the core problem.

I’ll leave you with this: if you decide to face the pain from the past, I have yet to see one person whose life didn’t explode with joy, peace, and contentment.

If that’s what you really want, this is the only way I have found that always works.

Please share your comments – I love seeing what you have to say. Please share this message with those who may need it – so we can all get the relationship and love we deserve.

Enjoy The Journey??

You Deserve to Have a Deeply Committed, Loving Relationship.

The five core elements of having your dreams’ a deeply committed, loving relationship free from codependence, are here waiting for you.

This class teaches you how to create deep emotional connections that bring you and your partner closer together than ever before. While also teaching you how to heal pain from the past, so your relationship is free from codependence.

First, we remove the intensity and fear of commitment by building intimacy, love, support, understanding, and appreciation. mutual respect instead of disconnection or distance between each other.

Then learn a simple, straightforward process to apologize and forgive your partner. So that they can feel safe again in their relationship with you. Finally, it’s time for something new! A better life awaits if only we take action now!

We have everything you need right here at our fingertips.

All it takes is just one click! So join us today and start your journey towards creating more meaningful relationships through learning how to fight fair together as partners in crime who will always be there when needed most!

This is not about being perfect but rather about being real. which means taking responsibility when things go wrong without blaming or shaming each other to move forward together into a brighter future filled with happiness & joy!

Sign up today and create the lasting love and connection of your dreams!

What’s always confused me about the concept of unconditional love are the buzzwords people use to define it?

Words like kindness, support, and trust, but what do any of those really mean?  What is kindness, and how do you know when someone is kind? The same questions apply to all of the common buzzwords.  No one ever talks about this . They dump the words and exclaim, do those things, and you will create unconditional love.

But how do you actually display each one? That’s what this article is about: the how.

There is a process to create unconditional love – it’s something we have to learn.

For me, the single most important aspect is safety, and not in the way most people think. Most people think about their partner being safe.

I don’t see it this way. In my experience, the only way we get safety is to have it within ourselves.

Until I’m safe, how can I bring unconditional love into me, express it, and accept it?

Then the question becomes: how do I become safe? In all fairness, this article could be a book. So, I’ve picked the most significant keystones to create safety that fosters unconditional love.

The first aspect in generating personal safety is that we have to know our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s.

Most people will immediately say they know these, but have you ever sat down and written these out in every area of your life? Your relationship, career, friends, hobbies, parenting, spirituality, politics, and all the rest?

I see this in clients all the time, and it was true for me. Unfortunately, I was never taught this exercise, so I ended up married to someone with the exact opposite political, intimacy, hobby, and child-rearing beliefs.

More focused

Most people get into a relationship because they are more focused on feeling a spark and a sense of physical chemistry. Then, years later, they break up and lament how many morals, values, needs, and wants they did not have in common.

Even the simple little things: do you need a clean house, or are you OK with it messy? That’s a need and a want. Now, is it negotiable or non-negotiable for you?

After doing this exercise

I discussed this exact topic with my second wife – we could find a tolerable level for both of us. If I know exactly what works for me, I know what to communicate to you about what works and doesn’t work. That’s safety.

This is a major contributing factor to divorce: people haven’t laid these out and end up in a relationship with someone who has non-negotiable traits.

Keep in mind that all of these will change throughout your life: you might pick up a new hobby, change careers, or even change political parties.

Therefore, it would be best to keep this as a living document, updating it yearly.

Second aspect

The second aspect is boundaries. Most importantly, the ability to say no. We’ve been taught a lie to do and be everything for our partners.

Always supporting them and being on their side. What if your partner decides to be a serial killer? You won’t support them and say yes then.

Saying yes is the most contributing factor that ends a relationship because it is conditional and not truly loving. Looking back at your past relationships:

why did you break up? In my experience, when describing the end of the relationship. Every person exclaims what they did for the other person and laments how they did not get certain things in return.

That means they said yes to their partner only to manipulate and get something in return. It wasn’t unconditional! It had a price tag. We keep score and become resentful. Before we ever say yes.

we want to ask ourselves three simple questions.

1- Will I keep score that I did this for them?

2- Will I bring it up in the future and throw it back in their face?

3- Will I have resentment if I get nothing in return?

You can see all three questions are basically the same thing, but we all classify them differently. So if we think we might have any of those reactions.

we have to say no if we want to be trusted. A partner who says no to you also means they are kind because they will not hit you over the head with the “yes” at a later date.

That’s safety. The ability to say no must be present to create unconditional love. As I always say:

The most loving thing we can ever say to anyone is “No.”

The next tool a couple needs to create safety that results in unconditional love is a confrontation model: a way to fight.

A way to express themselves that doesn’t destroy the other person.

Sadly, I’ve found that virtually no couple has one. If you would like to learn a confrontation model that makes fighting one of your favorite experiences and turns every fight into a deeper connection.

I suggest watching my YouTube video titled “How To Fight Fair & Save Your Relationship” for the full process.

The last piece is something most people don’t want to hear, talk about or face. but it’s impossible to create unconditional love unless both people are committed to doing trauma work on their childhood.

Unfortunately, the level of denial in society about childhood and the wounds we all carry is the single greatest reason the world and relationships are in their current state.

To believe our childhood was perfect means we aren’t in reality.

We are all human – none of us were raised by a perfect God.  Bear in mind: the first psychology book was written in the 1870s, but it wasn’t until the 1970s, with the advent of TV talk shows.

That we really started to talk and research what healthy parenting looks like openly. Studies also show that 70% of all childhood messaging was negative, disempowering, and self-sabotaging.

No matter how great our family and childhood were, those messages are what are logged in our subconscious.

Studies also show that 95% of our daily lives are just reliving the subconscious pattern we learned in childhood as adults. I know we think that we’re an adult and making our own decisions.

But unless we’ve done massive amounts of work, we’re not and even worse, we don’t recognize that this is true for us all. Instead, we will deny it and shrug it off.

This is not meant to disparage parents because each parent was taught by the parent before, so where would the blame end? There would be no reconciliation.

Instead, it’s about reality and responsibility. Admitting the truth that we all experience childhood pain and are still reliving it brings us all together: it’s a shared experience.

We have to own it as a society and see it as a joiner, not a separator. There’s love, trust, and truth in that without malice and hatred. It has empathy.

Healing our childhood trauma is essential to creating unconditional love.

There is an even deeper, more profound benefit created by healing our childhood trauma. Childhood trauma creates an emotional chemical addiction that our brain and bodies seek to repeat until we heal it.

Can you see what this means about every fight and disagreement? Since we are all reliving our childhoods and stuck in our subconscious.

All fights are just an attempt to reconcile the unhealed pain from the past. It actually has nothing to do with the other person. They are just a proxy we have chosen to teach us that we need to face our pain.

When we know that truth, we recognize we picked this person because they remind us of our trauma.  Therefore, when we get angry or frustrated,

we can ask ourselves why we wanted this in our life – after all, we picked this person!

I’ll give you an example of what this looks like in action. My first wife was physically and verbally abusive. I would never condone that, but I adore her now, and here is why.

Once I did the work, I saw she was my teacher. I had a family member who was verbally and physically abusive in my childhood .

I was reliving the trauma I had never healed. I’m not condoning what she did, but it shows me that she was all I was capable of picking at the time because my brain and body.

And subconscious had not been healed.  When I discovered this and did the healing work, I was free and had total forgiveness.

I see now that she loved me perfectly for who I was at the time. The healing process allows us to recognize everything I hate about you is everything I haven’t healed in me. That creates a connection and ends the disconnection.

There are two more things to recognize:

the first is unconditional love takes time. It’s not immediate. Because of our imperfect childhood, our parents placed many conditions on us.

We have to go learn how to do this unconditionally, and that takes time. Whether we’re 20 or 60, since we are all stuck in our childhood subconscious, a relationship consists of two children.

A huge maturation process needs to occur, and we get to choose to do that together. I know this sounds demeaning, but it is not my intent. I want to bring light as to why we can’t find unconditional love.

Finally, there’s one last piece to the puzzle. Everyone goes into relationships not wanting to lose the other person.

They want to guarantee that person will be there for the rest of their life. That’s ideal but many times impossible. Furthermore, that’s a child’s fantasy.

Unconditional love can’t happen from that place, and here is why. Our morals and values are living documents. If you’re 40 years old, think of how much your morals and values have changed in your life.

Therefore, unconditional love is the recognition that the best I can ever do and expect is that today, I love you. I can only guarantee today because I am ever-evolving, changing, and growing.

My morals and values shifting is not a rejection of you; it’s an empowerment of me by pursuing the best version of myself. If I’m pursuing the best version of myself, that’s safe for the other person.

They can evaluate if I still align with them. And if I don’t, they’ll love me enough to say no and not try to change me or have resentment towards me.

So then, I won’t see it as a rejection of me – it’s not about me.

Their facing the pain from their past, telling me no, and expressing their morals and values gave me safety every single day.

I am grateful for one hour or a hundred years of unconditional love if that’s all we are aligned for.

The best we can ever give anyone is today. Nothing more. When that becomes our view of unconditional love, we’ve arrived. Now we’re safe, not only for ourselves but for others.

Enjoy The Journey??

You Deserve to Have a Deeply Committed, Loving Relationship.

The five core elements of having your dreams’ a deeply committed, loving relationship free from codependence, are here waiting for you.

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How To Create lasting Love And Connection

The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

 

Are you constantly afraid that you’re going to lose your relationship?

In today’s article about relationship, I share how insecure people tend to think and behave. what their underlying beliefs are about themselves, and what they can do to get the security they crave and deserve.

These characteristics have been coined many different things: relationship insecurity, anxious attachment style. Clinically, this is called love addiction.

Don’t worry about the threatening name or shame yourself. Everything we love in life, like our favorite food or comfortable clothing creates the same basic reaction involved in addiction.

It is just my preferrence to not use the politically correct, innocouous terms that most use. One of the core ingredients to recover from anything is to get into “reality.” Therefore, as helping professionals.

if we don’t call things what they actually are for fear of offending, we are doing a disservice. We are enabling the person in need to stay out of touch with “reality.” That goes against my morals and values.

What are the 7 characteristics of love addiction and relationship insecurity?

1. Overthinking. This was me all my life! I would replay conversations, looking at texts, trying to decipher every little nuance.
2. The critical distinction is the thoughts are obsessive and always about trying to figure the other person out.
3. Catastrophe thinking. This happens when there is a communication gap. Even the slightest little pause in texting or talking triggers the love addict to project fears that the relationship might be over.
4. That their partner might be angry with them or something is wrong.
5. Needing constant reassurance. This was also me – I learned it from my mother.
6. It was common for our family to be at dinner talking about politics or some other topic, and my mom would all of a sudden blurt out.
7. How do I look in this dress? While I never did that, I did need constant affirmation from my partner yet it never satisfied.
8. Bringing the past into the current relationship. Love addict’s internal fear creates an obsessive need to keep themselves safe.

One of the ways they attempt to stay safe is by comparing the past to the present.

1. For instance, I would constantly compare things my current girlfriend did to what my last girlfriend did.
2. This attempt to avoid pain makes it impossible to be present, and being so hypervigilant can lead to the end of the relationship.
3. Give too much time, attention, and power to the other person. The love addicts desperate need to avoid abandonment creates a disempowering abandonment of themselves.
4. They do this by over-emphasizing their partner’s strengths by elevating them to fantasy. This results in the addict making their life about the other person. The addict gives up their interests, space, and desires. There is far too much attention on their partner and not enough on themselves. They effectively make the other person their higher power.
5. Snooping. Love addicts will feel the need and even demand to check their partner’s phone or email or look at their partner’s social media too much.
6. They will want to keep tabs on where their partner is going and who they are with. They are on constant alert for the possibility that they are being replaced.
7. The last characteristic is the inability to feel whole or happy outside of a relationship.
8. Love addicts will feel empty, sad, depressed if alone and often enter new relationships, even destructive ones, or relationships with someone they are only mildly interested in just to avoid being alone.

Now let’s get into the 7 solutions:

1. Face our self-deception and acknowledge the truth. This means we have to get into the “reality” that our expectations are addictive.
2. Our desire for unlimited positive regard and our demand for so much time and attention from the other person is excessive.
3. We have to recognize that how we define love is distorted, and we have recovery work to do on our codependence.

The following three steps come from Al-anon and are called the three “gets.’ Step one is to get off their back.

1. Our constant wondering what they’re doing, our need for continuous attention, overthinking all of their thoughts and actions, and snooping is evidence that we are “on their back” and paying too much attention to their life and not our own.
2. Get out of their way. This means we have to stop trying to dictate or correct how they live their life. Let them be who they want to be.
3. Don’t try to change them or get them to meet our needs. They’re okay the way they are. It’s not our place to critique, judge, and tell them who to be.
4. This is also a defensive projection. We avoid focusing on healing ourselves by making them the problem.
5. Get on with our own life. Instead of putting all our time and attention into them, put it into ourselves! Learn to meet our needs ourself, get back to living our own life, and pursuing the hobbies, friendships, and interests we gave up when the relationship began.
6. Self-esteem work. For the love addict, their internal sense of security now is based on their partner or the object of their pursuit.
7. They must start developing the belief that they have inherent value at all times and not only when they are in a relationship.
8. Develop boundaries. This can be difficult for the addict. So here is a suggestion. I want you to think of gas pedals. Take your foot off the accelerator (constantly being vested) and pull way back.
9. If your partner shares a little bit, going about 8-10 MPH, join them. Maybe try to advance to 12-13 MPH, but if they back off, we back off.

Here’s how we know when we’re doing this right

1. we should feel like we’re cold, mean, selfish, and disinterested. We should feel uncomfortable because we’re used to the gas pedal being pushed to the floor. When we feel this new discomfort.
2. we’ll know we’re no longer acting addictively or anxious. Now we’re acting moderately. In no time, we’ll get used to it, and things will get better.
3. Work with an expert. The addiction was created by childhood abandonment, and working with an expert is the only way to overcome it.
4. We are too close to the situation to see our behaviors accurately and we don’t have access to the knowledge, skills and tools that the expert will provide us.
5. I encourage you to pick up Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction and Facing Codependence as well as Beverly Engle’s The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.
6. These books will help the addict begin getting into reality about how abandoned we were in childhood.
7. Furthermore, we will become more aware that many of the behaviors we believe are kind, authentic and loving are in fact, destructive and self-sabotaging.

There are your seven solutions!

Remember, the person struggling with love addiction is not bad or weak. They are in pain and doing the best they can not to feel that pain.

Addictively pursuing someone is the only way they currently know how to alleviate that pain. Sadly, if left untreated, it creates more of the pain they are desperately trying to avoid.

But there is hope. By gaining new knowledge, skills and tools and then putting a plan in place to heal the underlying pain, we can find the authentic love we crave and deserve.

Enjoy The Journey! ??

Are You Tired of Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough?

Do you feel like no one will ever love or accept you unless you are perfect?

You are not alone. We’ve all felt this way at some point in our lives.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. It is possible to overcome these feelings and live a life full of self-love and acceptance.

Learn the seven characteristics of high self-love and how it can change your life for the better. Stop feeling lonely, rejected, or like an outsider in this world.

This masterclass provides the knowledge, skills, and tools for overcoming low self-esteem and accepting who we are as individuals – flaws included!

By the end of the class, participants will learn to take control of their lives by learning a simple process to stop negative thoughts.

That same process will show you how to turn feelings of loneliness, rejection, and emotional wounds from the past into unshakeable self-confidence.

The result is an individual who feels confident in themselves while also embracing their perfect imperfections.

Imagine how exciting it will be to embrace change without fear; take risks with ease; communicate your needs and wants decisively, and simply shrug off attempts by others to judge or criticize you.

Get started on changing your life today by signing up for our online masterclass “How To Love And Accept Your Perfect Imperfections!” TODAY!

How To Love and Accept Your Perfect Imperfections

The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

 

Hello! Today I’m talking about the seven steps to get over a toxic ex. So let’s get right into it:

Cut off all contact. Delete them off social media. Block them. Please get rid of them, stop all communication to get rid of toxic ex.

1. I know that can be difficult, and the next six steps will help you do this, but this step is critical. Leave and be steadfast.
2. Remove all pictures, mementos, music, etc., that are associated with them.
3. First, we have to remove the reminders. If we don’t, we will keep analyzing them.

Stop analyzing them.

1. We sit there and think what this and that meant or didn’t mean, spending all our time ruminating over them. The main reason we do this is to understand and create closure.
2. But they’re toxic: they won’t allow closure. So it’s our responsibility to make closure with ourselves. We do this by stopping analysis. Our analyzing them is an attempt to avoid our own pain.
3. That’s the biggest reason we analyze them: we don’t want to go through withdrawal and investigate ourselves. They become a way we can medicate and keep ourselves from this.
4. Our culture doesn’t allow us to feel and talk about pain – that’s absurd! We only get happy when we have the skillset to move through the difficult things in our life.
5. The ugliest things in life are the most fantastic springboards to the best things in life. Recognize the rumination is robbing you of you. And only you can stop that.

Stop letting them own you and get your power back.

I’ll tell you how I stopped analyzing my second divorce.

One day, I was ruminating in the car. I started yelling whatever I saw, whether it was a tree, a house, or an automobile.

I forced myself to focus on the present moment rather than the past or the future.

. Anytime she came up in my mind, I did that: carpet, tile, glasses. I got in the present. I was not going to give my power away.

1. Get into self-care. What brings you joy and makes you smile? Hiking? Shopping? Manicures? Going hunting?
2. Every time we want to obsess about them, go to our self-care list and do one of those things
3. Get into reality and face our denial. We need to stop romanticizing the good parts of the relationship. This is one of the ways we stay stuck – thinking of the good things they did.
4. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t know in your heart that they are toxic. All of those things they did were manipulations to keep you around.
5. Make a list of all the painful, toxic moments. Then, when you start romanticizing, go back to the list and remind yourself of the truth.
6. I know how difficult it can be to let go of – those beautiful moments because they felt so intense, like our hearts were on fire. Finally, I discovered I could love the memories and let go of the person.

Look at ourselves. What do we need to heal in ourselves?

A toxic person only gets in our lives due to our own dysfunction. None of us will get into a relationship unless we say yes – even if the other person “chased” us.

We’re responsible for saying yes. I wrote a whole book called Your Journey To Success which describes the worst day cycle and how this happens to us all.

I discovered that we are only in a relationship with a toxic person because our childhood was toxic. Unless we go back and heal that pain, we will always attract toxic people.

There will always be toxicity in our life. We must heal the pain in the past. The other thing to recognize is: the best version of ourselves brought us to this person.

All of our available skills, tools, and knowledge created the attraction. If we want this to end, we need to create a better version of ourselves.

We need to attain new knowledge, skills, and tools. When we do that, we will attract someone who is not toxic and can love us.

Finally, picture what you really want in a relationship?

We weren’t taught to do this, but we need to sit down and write out our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s if we wish to a genuinely loving relationship.

When we don’t have this framework, we end up with behaviors we don’t like. When we write all this out.

we will spot a non-negotiable on the first date and be done. If we haven’t mapped these out, we guarantee that we will pick a toxic person again.

I hoped this helped you and as always:

Enjoy The Journey! ??

Are You Tired of Being in a Toxic Relationship?

You’re not alone. Millions of people are stuck in codependent relationships that make them feel bad about themselves, and they don’t know how to break free. We’ve all been there.

Or maybe you find yourself always attracted to someone who is not good for you, and the cycle starts again.

But it doesn’t have to be this way! There is hope! We will help you find your way out of the darkness and into the light.

If you are single, you deserve better than being stuck in a cycle of narcissistic abuse or neglect. You deserve love and kindness!

Don’t let another day go by where someone else controls your happiness or self-worth.

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If you have a partner, it’s time to take back control of your life and start learning how to save and resurrect a toxic, broken, codependent relationship.

Fill it with love, safety, affection, kindness, understanding intimacy, and mutual connection.

Start living the romantic life you deserve by breaking free from your toxic codependent relationship patterns today.

It doesn’t have to be like this forever – we want to show you how it could be different for you now.

All it takes is one step at a time…and we’ll walk with you every step of the way on your journey to the loving relationship you deserve.

The sooner you take action, the sooner your life will get back on track. Join our community and learn how to heal yourself from codependence so that you can find happiness again.

You are worth it!

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How To Break Free From Toxic Relationship Patterns

The Greatness University Kenny Weiss