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Category: Relationships

  • ⭐Hey You Chase Love (And They Pull Away)

    ⭐Hey You Chase Love (And They Pull Away)

    “You don’t chase them because you love them.
    You chase them because your childhood taught you that love runs away.”

    “You’re not pursuing a partner — you’re pursuing the parent who couldn’t choose you.”

    THE MOMENT YOU START CHASING

    Let’s start with the exact moment it happens.

    Someone pulls away —
    maybe a text slows down,
    their tone shifts,
    the energy changes,
    they turn distant,
    or they say “I just need space.”

    Instantly your body:

    • goes into panic
    • your chest tightens
    • your stomach drops
    • your mind races
    • you replay every interaction
    • you start fixing, soothing, chasing
    • you send the long text
    • you over-explain
    • you apologize even when you did nothing wrong
    • you start “performing”
    • you try to become the version of you they’ll choose

    But what you call chasing…

    …is actually your fear hijacking your nervous system.

    This is NOT about them.
    This is not even about adult you.

    This is your unseen childhood wound screaming:

    “DON’T LEAVE ME.”

    THE REAL EMOTIONAL BLUEPRINT BEHIND CHASING

    Chasing doesn’t begin in adulthood.

    Chasing begins the exact moment you learned:

    • love was inconsistent
    • love was unpredictable
    • love was conditional
    • love disappeared
    • love had to be earned
    • love pulled away the moment you needed it
    • love chose work, addiction, siblings, religion, stress, or silence over you

    Chasing love is not a behavior.
    It is a childhood role.

    Here are the five childhood conditions that create adult “chasers”:

    1. YOU GREW UP WITH AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE CAREGIVER

    You learned connection comes through pursuit.

    2. YOU LEARNED TO EARN LOVE THROUGH PERFORMANCE

    Achievement = attention.
    Obedience = connection.

    It was all about what you did, how well you did it, and NOT about who you are.

    Your Achievement and Obedience are what got you attention and connection.

    3. YOU WERE THE EMOTIONAL CARETAKER

    Your worth and value came from emotionally fixing, soothing, & stabilizing them

    4. YOU LIVED IN CONFUSION

    Your worth and value came from emotionally fixing, soothing, & stabilizing them

    5. YOU NEVER FELT CHOSEN

    So you lived in the background, like the family pet at the dinner table, yearning for head scratches and any leftover scraps of love.

    So, your adult chasing is simply: Your childhood trying to finish a story it never got to complete.

    THE TRAUMA CHEMISTRY LOOP

    This part is critical.

    Your brain is formed by your emotional experiences as a child, and those experiences create an emotional blueprint we take into adulthood. Id you are a chaser, your brain became addicted to the emotional chemicals produced by:

    • distance
    • unpredictability
    • inconsistency
    • hope + fear cycles
    • intermittent reinforcement
    • longing
    • unreliability

    This emotional cycle of ups and downs is identical to what casinos use.

    Your brain gets dopamine not from love…

    …but from the chase. As a child, you pulled the metaphorical emotional safety and love slot machine handle every day, anxious to see what you were going to get from your caregivers.

    Like the gambler, you were desperate to win. And you are still desperate to win. That is why you keep picking people who mirror the emotional environment of your childhood.

    Now you know why:

    • The avoidant feels magnetic
    • The unavailable feels intoxicating
    • The distant feels “deep”
    • The stable feels boring
    • The present feels unsafe
    • The consistent feels foreign

    Your nervous system isn’t seeking love.

    Your nervous system is seeking what it survived.

    That is because our brains are designed to repeat what they already know emotionally. It follows the emotional blueprint of what we experienced as children. This is what I call The Worst Day Cycle.

    THE WORST DAY CYCLE BEHIND CHASING

    Let’s break it down:

    TRAUMA

    The moment a caregiver didn’t choose you.
    Your blueprint has been formed, which sends you into stage two.

    FEAR

    Your brain and body become chemically addicted to the emotional state of chasing. And the chasing sends you into stage three. SHAME

    You internalize:

    • “If I were enough, they would stay.”
    • “I’m the reason they pull away.”
    • “I need to fix myself.”
    • “I’m unlovable unless I earn it.”

    SHAME

    Your emotional blueprint becomes internalized with mantras like:

    • “If I were enough, they would stay.”
    • “I’m the reason they pull away.”
    • “I need to fix myself.”
    • “I’m unlovable unless I earn it.”
    • So you only have one option. To get any emotional scraps from the dinner table of love,
      you have to cast off your authentic self, redefine what is hurtful, and call it love.
    • Now, the only way you can achieve that and protect yourself from the overwhelming
      emotional pain you are experiencing is to move to stage four.

    DENIAL

    This is where the child you came up with a brilliant life-saving strategy. To protect your authentic self from the pain and loss of care, you create a protective persona of:

    • the fixer, and the giver
    • the perfect partner
    • the calm one
    • the stable one
    • the one who always forgives
    • And the emotionally responsible one

    You chase because your childhood emotional blueprint persona learned that the only way to survive was to chase.

    It’s not who you are —
    it’s who you became to survive.

    WHY YOU CAN’T STOP CHASING EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER

    You can’t stop because your nervous system was programmed to interpret distance as danger.
    Withholding = abandonment
    Silence = rejection
    Space = disconnection

    So when someone pulls away, your body doesn’t think:

    “Maybe they’re busy.”

    Your body thinks:

    I’m losing love.
    I’m losing worth.
    I’m losing safety.

    Fear takes over,

    Shame floods your system,
    your adult self disappears,
    and your childhood wound starts frantically pulling on the slot machine handle, desperate to win love, finally

    So, you see, you’re not chasing THEM.

    You’re chasing the FEELING of being chosen.

    THE CHILD YOU LEFT BEHIND

    Now here is the tough truth that most people won’t tell you.

    The adult who’s chasing isn’t really you. It is the hurt, unhealed parts of you.
    Depending on your specific childhood environment, it might be

    • the 5-year-old who felt invisible
    • the 7-year-old who never felt picked
    • the 9-year-old who earned approval through perfection as a student or athlete
    • the 12-year-old who emotionally soothed your parent after the divorce
    • the child who learned their needs were inconvenient
    • the child who believed:
      “If I can just be good enough, they will finally choose me.”

    So every time your partner withdraws…

    …your inner child jumps forward and says:

    “I can fix this.
    I can be better.
    I can make them stay.”

    That child STILL doesn’t know you survived.
    Still doesn’t know you’re an adult now.
    Still doesn’t know love can be safe.

    What that means is that chasing is your child trying to rewrite history and find someone to be the caregiver and caretaker of your abandoned heart.

    So, how do you stop the chasing pattern? You can’t do it with superficial strategies that treat the symptoms, like Emotional Intelligence but only with TRUE emotional reprogramming that heals the core.

    The process you are looking for is the Authentic Self Cycle, which is built on developing Emotional Authenticity. That is because Emotional Intelligence has you focus on your emotions today, not the root, the place where all emotions and feelings are learned, childhood, only Emotional Authenticity does that.

    So let’s begin with the Authentic Self Cycle and step one…

    HOW TO STOP CHASING

    Here is how you stop the chasing pattern — not the superficial version, but the TRUE emotional reprogramming: The Authentic Self Cycle

    1. TRUTH

    Identify the original moment you felt:

    “I’m not chosen.”

    This is the root wound behind every chase. This is a critical step because it breaks the wall of denial and exposes the false persona your emotional blueprint had to choose to survive.

    2. RESPONSIBILITY

    Not blame. Not shame. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
    So responsibility looks like….

    “This survival pattern kept me safe.
    And now it’s time to let it go.” And I will do that by committing to a process and plan of healing.

    3. HEALING — This is where the Emotional Authenticity Method comes in

    It shows you how to rewire the chasing response by:

    • Showing you how to reparent your inner child and become the parent who chooses you.
      And when you do that, you can…
    • break the shame story
    • heal the fear-based chemical addiction
    • Confront the emotional memory your body is still carrying
    • Create emotional safety inside your own nervous system
    • Teach your body that stability = safety
    • Build tolerance for consistent love

    When you become the parent you needed for yourself, safety becomes familiar, and chasing becomes unnecessary. And the combination of the first three steps leads you into

    4. FORGIVENESS

    Forgiveness is not about focusing on the partner you chased.

    Forgiveness is about the child who had to chase love to survive.

    Forgiveness is the moment you can be the parent to your wounded child and say:

    “I appreciate you for coming up with such a brilliant strategy. You are so smart and so capable, to have figured out how to survive.

    But I want you to know I am here now. It is my job and my promise to you is that I will work every day to become the parent you needed so you can feel safe and not feel like you have to take over anymore. You no longer need to earn love; I will give you all of mine.”

    YOUR JOURNEY TO BEING YOURSELF

    Let’s wrap this up.

    I hope you can now see that when you use the 4 Pillars of the Authentic Self Cycle, through the emotional authenticity method, what you discover that…

    “You do not chase because you’re needy.
    You chase because your childhood taught you that love disappears.”

    But…. More importantly. You deserve to be chosen not by others, but by yourself.”

  • 5 Surprising Ways Pets Can Damage Relationships

    5 Surprising Ways Pets Can Damage Relationships

    We adore our pets — those furry bundles of loyalty, companionship, and unconditional affection. They greet us at the door like we hung the moon. They never criticize our outfit, never roll their eyes, and never forget to be happy to see us.

    But what if your sweet four-legged friend is quietly complicating your romantic relationships?

    In my coaching practice, I’ve seen this pattern over and over — especially with women. It’s not intentional, and it’s certainly not “bad,” but it is real. Today, let’s walk through the five hidden ways your pet may be shaping your relationships — and how to make sure those adorable paws don’t leave footprints on your love life.

    1. When Pets Become the New “Family”

    A recent Pew Research trend reveals a big shift: 57% of women now view their pet as equal to a family member, compared to 43% of men. That’s a huge difference.

    It wasn’t long ago that pets completed the family — after marriage, after kids. But for many women today, the pet is the family.

    You may relate to this:
    You curl up with your pup at night. You talk to your cat about your day. You invest your affection, your time, your emotional connection into the furry one who never lets you down.

    There’s nothing wrong with that — unless it unintentionally becomes a substitute for the connection you truly desire with another adult.

    In many ways, pets are becoming modern-day life partners — and society cheers it on. Commercials portray partners as annoyances while pets are the loyal, loving companions. We’re subtly taught that humans disappoint, but pets? Pets never do.

    It’s a comforting story… but also a limiting one.

    2. When Your Partner Becomes the “Mistress”

    Ever notice how everything revolves around the pet?

    Before you go anywhere:
    “Wait — we have to walk the dog!”
    “Hold on — we need to get home to feed the cat.”

    Spontaneous weekend away? Not without 24 hours’ notice and a pet sitter.
    A romantic overnight detour after a beautiful day trip? Impossible if the dog hasn’t been let out.

    In subtle but consistent ways, the pet becomes the spouse… and the partner becomes the mistress.

    I once worked with a man whose childhood still echoed with his mother’s nightly mantra:
    “Kids, wait — I have to feed the pets first.”

    The message was clear:
    “Your needs come second.”

    Decades later, he dated women who treated him the same way. Not because they were unkind, but because our brains, craving familiarity, unconsciously pull us toward what we know — even when it hurts.

    3. Pets as a Safe Hiding Place From Emotional Intimacy

    Children bond deeply with stuffed animals. Why?
    Because stuffed animals give comfort without demanding anything in return.

    Many adults accidentally recreate this dynamic with their pets.

    A relationship with a pet is a one-way street:
    You give when you want.
    You receive when you need.
    And if you’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed — you can emotionally “check out” without consequence.

    Humans don’t work that way.
    Healthy adult intimacy requires vulnerability, reciprocity, open-hearted communication, and mutual presence.

    So when people feel overwhelmed or afraid of intimacy, the pet becomes the perfect emotional substitute.

    • Sad? Snuggle the dog.
    • Angry? Take the cat for a long cuddle session.
    • Hurt by your partner? Retreat into the pet’s unconditional acceptance.

    It feels comforting. But it may also be keeping you from the deeper connection you deserve.

    4. Pets Can Reinforce Love Avoidance

    Love avoidance stems from childhood environments where a child was engulfed — emotionally smothered, over-relied on, or forced into adult responsibilities far too young.

    For people with this pattern, closeness often feels dangerous.
    Independence feels safe.
    And pets? Pets are the perfect “safe closeness.”

    You can love them without getting overwhelmed.
    They never burden you.
    You choose the distance.

    Unlike humans, pets don’t ask for more.

    Two love-avoidant people together can function beautifully. I once knew a couple like this — devoted animal activists whose home buzzed with the warmth they showered on their pets… while their interactions with each other were calm, factual, and emotionally distant.

    They weren’t unhappy — they were perfectly matched in their avoidance.

    Not all relationships need the same level of intimacy.
    The key is knowing your own.

    5. The Real Question: What Are Your “Pizza Toppings”?

    Imagine relationships like pizza.

    Some people are meat lovers.
    Some are veggie lovers.
    Some are “don’t you dare put olives anywhere near my slice.”

    There’s no right or wrong — just preference.

    Pets work the same way.

    Some people want a house full of animals.
    Some want none.
    Some like a balanced life where a partner comes first and a pet fits in harmoniously.

    Your job isn’t to judge anyone’s toppings — it’s to understand your own.

    • Do you need deep emotional closeness?
    • Do you prefer more independence?
    • Do you enjoy being someone’s primary emotional connection… or does that overwhelm you?
    • Do you want the pet to be part of the family — or the center of the universe?

    Once you know your toppings, you can choose a partner whose pizza blends beautifully with yours.

    Bringing It All Together

    Pets are wonderful.
    They bring joy, healing, and companionship.
    They’re not “the problem.”

    The issue isn’t the pet — it’s the unconscious emotional patterns that determine whether the pet becomes a complement to your relationship… or a quiet barrier to intimacy.

    Awareness is powerful.
    Once you see what’s happening, you can choose differently.
    You can create a partnership where both your pet and your person have a place in your heart — without competition, confusion, or resentment.

    And that, ultimately, is the journey to healthier love.

    Want to Explore This More Deeply?

    If something in this article sparked an insight — maybe a shift, a realization, or even an uncomfortable “wow… that might be me” — you don’t have to navigate it alone.

    If you’re curious, I invite you to explore the possibility of booking a private coaching session. No pressure — just an open door if you’re ready for deeper clarity, healing, and empowerment.

    Your best relationship is waiting. Let’s help you build the pizza you truly want. 🍕✨

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • The Difference Between Codependence And Interdependence

    The Difference Between Codependence And Interdependence

    The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency. 

    Dysfunctional Relationships

    I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like? Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized, often codependent and dysfunctional. Because of how relationships are displayed to us through the media and our own experiences growing up, I believe we are all codependent. Therefore, it’s nothing to feel ashamed of, but now is the time to learn and grow. So, let’s dive into what codependency and interdependence actually look like so that you can begin your journey. 

    Codependence

    How society creates codependence

    It is the loss of individuality. So often, the message we receive about love is that we must give up everything to make it work, including parts of ourselves. In particular, in reality, TV shows and on social media, there is a message being portrayed that real love only exists when both people in a relationship are completely and utterly devoted to every need and want of their significant other. They believe that each of them is on a pedestal and admired rather than respected and dependent outside of the relationship and inside. This creates codependency and is often a total melting of personalities into one unified soul. While building a solid bond is crucial, there is a distinction between that and the toxic nature of codependency. 

    How the words should and could are a sign of codependence

    The words ‘should’ and ‘could’ are clear signs of codependency. You’ll notice that many people who speak about relationships, i.e., relationship coaches or experts, will say things like ‘Your man should be doing this for you’ or ‘She could do more!’ but what this is, is a denial of reality. It is a lack of acceptance for who the person is by asking them to be someone or do something that isn’t what’s happening. So now, you are not accepting your partner as themselves and instead forcing them to be something they are not. 

    Acceptance of your partner’s (or friends’) perfect imperfections shows interdependence, but a sense that they ‘should’ or ‘could’ be doing something else, is codependent. If you’re unable to stop doing this, then it’s time to look back at yourself and ask, ‘Why am I unable to accept the reality of my partner? Why am I trying to get them to change?’. This may be difficult as it may cause realizations that the partner or friend you picked is not who you desire to be with, but it’s better to own this truth than live in denial and try to force them to be who they are not. 

    The inability to accept the truth and perfect imperfections

    The idea that your partner has to ‘have your back’ at all times is codependent. Again, this is a ‘should’ belief that they ‘should’ be there to support you always. However, asking this of them is forcing them to abandon themselves completely. When we demand someone to have our back at all times, we are requesting that they be complicit in our perfect imperfections rather than holding us accountable, which, in truth, is the more loving thing to do. When we can take ownership and get into reality about the demands we are placing on others, we can recognize that we are codependent and make changes to heal ourselves and our relationships.

    One of the most significant hallmarks of codependence is an inability to accept the truth and reality that we are all perfectly imperfect. Doing so moves us into interdependence.

    Interdependence

    Making relationship deposits

    Rather than always relying on your partner to have your back or be a mind-reader, in an interdependent relationship, both parties make ‘relationship deposits’ into the shared loving space that supports one another. This loving space is created and added to when you enjoy doing certain hobbies together or spend time together doing things you both want to do. 

    Importantly, in an interdependent relationship, you are also able to choose to do something that your partner wants to do, even if you may not particularly feel as though you want to, from a place of wanting to make a loving deposit, rather than an expectation from your partner that you ‘should,’ just because they want you to. In other words, codependence says, ‘I don’t care whether or not you want to do it. You SHOULD do it with me anyway if you love me,’ and interdependence says, ‘I am choosing to do this with you because I want to make a loving deposit to this relationship.

    The importance of knowing our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiables and non-negotiables

    We all have our morals and values, needs and wants, negotiables and non-negotiables. While many believe they know what theirs are, they do not. This intense process requires skills we have never been taught. If you have not done the work to lay out what yours are, then it is likely, you won’t be able to have a successful, interdependent relationship. Fortunately, I have produced a three-part video series on my Youtube channel.that walks you through the complete process 

    In a healthy, interdependent relationship, the morals and values, needs and wants, and negotiables and non-negotiables of both people are understood by each side, and the boundaries around these are honored to create a relationship that supports, rather than expects. An interdependent person will be comfortable sharing them because they aren’t afraid of being rejected or abandoned. In contrast, a codependent person will use manipulation and a lack of boundaries to keep their partner close to them, in spite of what their partner wants or needs themselves. 

    Also, an interdependent person is comfortable admitting and owning their perfect imperfections because they recognize that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all can inadvertently cause hurt and pain to others. A surefire sign of codependency is not being able to admit their flaws for fear of being shamed, abandoned, or rejected. 

    Again,the secret to interdependence is to get into reality and begin to admit to our flaws and perfect imperfections.

    Interdependence recognizes we can only promise today.

    Interdependent, emotionally healthy mature adults recognize that we can only promise a person today. This isn’t to say they won’t be committed. However, an interdependent person will wake up each day and ask themselves, ‘Am I still in this relationship from a place of will?’. ‘Am I willing to make relationship deposits?’ In a mutually interdependent relationship, the other person will recognize and accept this truth rather than trying to force the relationship to continue.

    The interdependent recognizes you can not control how someone thinks, feels, or believes, and to do so is a fruitless and abusive act. Interdependent people accept that thoughts and beliefs can change. They don’t live in delusion or expect a person never to change or develop new morals, values, needs and wants, negotiables and non-negotiables. 

    Therefore, if a relationship doesn’t work out, it is not solely the other person who is to blame. They accept that both people in a relationship are responsible for a relationship breakdown. That is why they look to own their part first instead of blaming others.  For instance, this relationship would have never started if I had not chosen to allow this person into my life. They take responsibility for that truth and begin working to unpack what they need to heal themselves.

    Solutions

    1- Sadly, much of the information about codependence is missing a vital part – that of the falsely empowered codependent, not just the disempowered we are all familiar with. The authority on this topic is Pia Mellody. Her books, ‘Facing Codependence’ and ‘Facing Love Addiction’ will provide you with the most complete understanding of codependency. When you want to learn what a healthy interdependent relationship looks like, I suggest her book, ‘Intimacy Factor..’ I believe her three books are required before ever pursuing any relationship. I would love to see them as required reading in schools. I believe they are that important.

    2- I suggest my book ‘Your Journey to Success‘ because this will help you to learn about the worst day cycle and how we all have unhealed childhood trauma, which creates our codependence.

    3- I suggest subscribing to my Youtube Channel and watching the following three videos. 

    Codependence Recovery | Understanding Morals and Values

    Codependence Recovery | How To Ask For Your Needs and Wants

    Codependence Recovery | How to Determine Negotiables and Non-Negotiables

    4- Make sure you also take advantage of these FREE downloads I have created to help you:

    How To Remove Felling Rejected.

    How To Heal From Codependence Questionnaire

    How To Keep Our Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps 

    Create Lasting Love And Conquer Confrontation

    How To Heal From Codependence- Giving The Pain Back

    5- For those who are ready to develop a healthy, loving, interdependent relationship free of codependence, I also have this masterclass, ‘The Complete Journey To Create Lasting Love And Connection,‘

    6- In most cases, healing codependence and developing deep interdependent love and connection requires professional help. I work with clients all across the world to achieve this. You can schedule your appointment with me today here:  Private Coaching session. 

    To learn more, watch the full video here:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN0I19QNGYE[/embedyt]

  • 7 Characteristics of a Love Addict

    7 Characteristics of a Love Addict

    Are you constantly afraid that you’re going to lose your relationship? In today’s Best Day Blog article, I will help you by sharing seven characteristics of a person who lives in that constant fear of loss and the seven solutions to stop feeling so fearful.

    These characteristics have been coined many different things: relationship insecurity and anxious attachment style. Clinically, this person would be called a love addict – don’t worry about the threatening name. If you have a favorite food, drink, or anything else, they have the same addictive mechanisms. Don’t shame yourself.

    A big reason we all struggle is our inability to call things what they are. Instead, recognize that living in truth and reality are requirements for creating a healthy relationship.

    What are the seven characteristics of a love addict?

    1. Overthinking. This occurs when we replay conversations, look at texts, and decipher every little nuance. The critical distinction is that the thoughts are obsessive and always about figuring out the other person.
    2. Catastrophe thinking.  This is often triggered when there is a communication gap. Even the slightest pause in texting or talking triggers the love addict to project fear that the relationship is over, their partner is angry with them, or something is wrong.
    3. Needing constant reassurance. I struggled with this – I learned it from my mother. It was common for our family to be at dinner talking about politics or some other topic, and my mom would suddenly blurt out, “How do I look in this dress?
    4. Bringing the past into the current relationship. Love addicts’ internal fear creates an obsessive need to keep themselves safe. One of the ways they attempt to stay safe is by comparing the past to the present. For instance, you might constantly compare things your current boyfriend does to what your last boyfriend did. Unfortunately, this attempt to avoid pain makes it impossible to be present, and being so hypervigilant can lead to the end of the relationship.
    5. Give too much time, attention, and power to the other person. The love addicts’ desperate need to avoid abandonment creates a disempowering abandonment of themselves. They do this by over-emphasizing their partner’s strengths and elevating them to fantasy. The addict makes their partner’s life more valuable than their own. They give up their interests, space, and desires. There is far too much attention on their partner and not enough on themselves. They effectively make them their higher power.
    6. Snooping. Love addicts will feel the need and even demand to check their partner’s phone or email and look at their partner’s social media too much. They will want to keep tabs on who they are with and where their partner is going. In addition, they are on constant alert for the possibility that they are being replaced.
    7. The inability to feel whole or happy outside of a relationship.  Love addicts will feel empty, sad, and depressed if alone and often enter new relationships, even destructive ones, to avoid being alone.

    What are seven solutions for love addiction?

    1. Face our self-deception and acknowledge the truth. The love addict needs to get into reality that their expectations are addictive. Our desire for unlimited positive regard and our demand for so much time and attention from the other person is excessive. We have to recognize that how we define love is distorted, and we have recovery work to do ourselves.
    2. Do the three “Gets.” The following three steps come from Al-anon and are called the three “gets.’ Step one is to get off their back. Our constant wondering what they’re doing, our need for continuous attention, overthinking all of their thoughts and actions, and snooping is evidence that we are “on their back” and paying too much attention to their life and not our own.
    3. Get out of their way. The addict needs to stop trying to dictate or correct how their partner lives their life. Let them be who they want to be. Don’t try to change them or get them to meet our needs. They’re okay the way they are. It’s not our place to critique, judge, and tell them who to be.
    4. Get on with your own life. Instead of putting all your time and attention into them, put it into yourself! Learn to meet your needs yourself, get back to living your own life, and pursue the hobbies, friendships, and interests you gave up when the relationship began.
    5. Self-esteem work. For the love addict, their internal sense of security now is based on their partner or the object of their pursuit. Therefore, they must start developing the belief that they have inherent value at all times and not only when they are in a relationship.
    6. Develop boundaries. Addicts struggle to contain how much they share about themselves. So here is a suggestion. I want you to think of gas pedals. If your partner shares a little bit, join them, going about 8-10 MPH. Maybe try to advance to 12-13 MPH, but if they back off, you back off. Here’s how you know when you’re doing this right: you should feel like you’re cold, mean, selfish, and disinterested.  You should feel uncomfortable because you’re used to the gas pedal being pushed to the floor. When you feel this new discomfort, you’ll know you’re no longer acting addictively or anxious. Now you’re behaving moderately. You’ll get used to it in no time, and things will improve.
    7. Work with an expert. Childhood abandonment created the addiction. Therefore, working with a specialist is necessary to overcome it. I encourage you to pick up Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction and Facing Codependence to learn about all of this. Beverly Engle’s The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is also great. The addict must get into reality about how abandoned they were in childhood. Those three books are central to those who suffer from love addiction.

    Remember, the person struggling with love addiction is not bad or weak. They are in pain and doing their best not to feel that pain. Addictively pursuing someone is the only way they currently know how to alleviate that pain. Sadly, if left untreated, it creates more of the pain they desperately try to avoid. But there is hope. If we develop a plan to heal the underlying pain, we can find the authentic love we crave and deserve.

    Additional solutions:

    1- My book, Your Journey To Success

    2– My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method

    3– My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group

    4– My Private Coaching

    Learn more here:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUzUX5UVCGU[/embedyt]

  • Why People Ghost You And Why You Attract Ghosters?

    Why People Ghost You And Why You Attract Ghosters?

    Are you confused as to why people ghost you? It’s so common these days, and it leaves us feeling hurt, angry, and perplexed when we can’t figure out why. In today’s Best Day Blog article and the accompanying video, I will help you end that hurt and frustration by explaining why people ghost you, how you attracted a ghoster and what you can do to protect your mental health going forward.

    What created the “Ghoster?”

    Two things create the people who ghost you. The internet and the underlying emotional feelings within the people who ghost you. The internet has altered the communication landscape drastically. It thrives on separation – messages, emails, text messages. Since only 7% of all communication is words, texting and email are virtually not even communication. Even worse, If you call a person, they tend to be shocked. It may result in you being categorized as weird, threatening, or dysfunctional?  Therefore the internet is creating a society that is horrifically underdeveloped emotionally. People can no longer communicate, and most are afraid of intimacy and connection. Think about the extreme rise in the viewing of pornography. This keeps us detached from reality and separates us from intimacy. Unfortunately, society now primarily pursues relationships through screens and not in person.

    Perfectly Imperfect Parenting

    The nature of being human is to admit that we all make mistakes and therefore we were all raised by perfectly imperfect parents who left emotional wounds in us. These traumatic moments sever attachment, and since we are a child, we are powerless to fix them. This fills the people who ghost with high levels of fear. It might be a fear of confrontation, sharing their needs and wants, or being vulnerable and intimate?

    Some people who ghost are aware of their attachment issues and powerlessness but don’t know how to overcome them?  Others are aware and consciously choose to ghost you. Regardless, being ghosted is very cruel – to spend time creating a relationship and connection and then, boom, it’s severed with no explanation is a massive abandonment. There are ghosters who do it once and are gone forever, and those who come in and out of your life, repeatedly leaving with no explanation. For someone to do this is abusive, there is no sugar coating this.

    Why do people Ghost?

    People who ghost will have experienced powerlessness and a lack of attachment as a child. To avoid feeling powerless and out of control as an adult, people who ghost use denial, detachment, and dissociation. To the ghoster, these feel like control and power because they allow them not to feel the pain from the past. Therefore, people who ghost have unhealed emotional pain from the past.

    This type of trauma and abandonment causes the people who ghost to put up their defenses, deny what happened, and dissociate from the reality of their childhood. Therefore, it’s tough for them to admit that they might be faulty, deficient, or perfectly imperfect as adults?

    Why We Attract People WHo Ghost?.

    Many don’t realize that both the people who ghost and the ones attracted to them are part of the problem? On the positive side, that means those attracted to them can create their own solution. First, we have to ask ourselves, ‘what are the benefits of attracting people who ghost?’ You’ll likely say ‘none,’ but there is a reason that you are attracting them into your life. So instead of blaming them and saying they’re the problem, try flipping it and look back at yourself and think of all the ways you benefit?

    Some of the benefits for attracting people who ghost:

    You don’t have to commit to them
    Low drama
    Low intensity
    Lots of freedom
    No accountability for your actions

    The first step to attracting people who do not ghost is to get out of denial and into reality of all the.subconscious benefits the person who ghosts brings us. In many ways, you’re having your cake and eating it too because you have the attention, anticipation, and excitement of meeting the people who ghost while still living your life with freedom and no commitment – you subconsciously love it!

    However, one of the most significant unconscious benefits is that both the people who ghost and the ones attracted to them treat the other as a light switch. In moments of sadness or loneliness, they switch the light on and reach out for some connection, but as soon as they get what they need, they switch the light off again, making excuses. The truth is, you have to be responsible for yourself and recognize what attracted you to the people who ghost you?

    What are you afraid of?

    Ultimately, what are both sides afraid of – connection and intimacy. Because of the unhealed pain from the past, both consciously or subconsciously recognize that they are fearful of a relationship. Depending on how deep the pain is, it might ultimately take professional help to conquer these inner fears. It’s challenging to do this alone because the individual is too close to it, and they won’t see themselves. Additionally, the fear of intimacy, abandonment, and powerlessness they experienced as a child blocks their ability to get help. Often they’ll come up with excuses that keep them in denial. For example, convincing themselves with arguments that’ It’s too expensive,’ or ‘I don’t have enough time!’

    The solution

    If you’ve recognized yourself as a person who ghosts or know that you’re always attracting people who ghost, the best solution is to work with a professional. We all need a guide to show us what we cannot see in ourselves.
    If you’re unsure about one-on-one work, then my Complete Emotional Authenticity Method for only $47 a month is perfect. It walks you through healing from your childhood pain, shows you how to go from fearful to fearless, creates intimacy and connection, overcomes codependency, and much more.

    Here are more solutions? Pick the one that suits your needs best!

    1- My Book, Your Journey To Success
    2- My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method
    3- My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group
    4- My Private Coaching

    Learn more:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpwW1AxM_sY[/embedyt]

  • The Tinder Swindler: How To Avoid Toxic Men

    The Tinder Swindler: How To Avoid Toxic Men

    The Tinder Swindler on Netflix showed us how women worldwide are susceptible to being conned in life because they don’t realize how they can play an equally responsible role in the dynamic.

    Unfortunately, this is not often discussed in documentaries such as the Tinder Swindler and it’s certainly not something we’re taught growing up so that is what we are going to tackle in today’s Best Day Blog article.

    Before we dive in, though, there are some crucial points to bear in mind:

    1- The Tinder Swindler. aka Simon Leviev was consciously aware that he was conning these women. The women were NOT consciously aware they were conning themselves.
    2-The women are NOT to blame, and they are responsible – I will show you how both are true.
    3-If you notice anger surfacing over the prospect that the women conned themselves, that is a great opportunity to learn how you con yourself!
    4-If you choose not to read the full article due to feeling anger at the content, you will rob yourself of the opportunity to learn how to protect yourself from a similar situation.

    Don’t take the easy route and mistake this for victim-blaming. On the contrary, if you are open to a deeper understanding of human and relationship dynamics, what I am about to share empowers the victims of such crimes, sets them free, and raises people’s ability to create healthy relationships, find love, and defend themselves against predators.

    For many, what I am about to share will challenge most of your current emotions and cultural beliefs.  At first, it will be quite a mouthful, but if you stick with it, you realize it was good for you, because it is healthy and based on truth.

    The explanation for how the women conned themselves comes down to two advances in neuroscience and psychology. The first is by Lisa Feldman Barrett, who shared her discovery in 2017 with her book ‘How Emotions Are Made.’ Her work transformed previous theories on emotions and how our brain processes information.

    Secondly, my development of what I call the Worst Day Cycle, which is a self victimizing process we all live out until we heal the childhood trauma that created it.  Coincidentally, our books came out around the same time, and both combine to create a scientific understanding as to why and how these women conned themselves.

    We Create Our Emotions. Nobody makes us feel anything.

    Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work shows that we create emotions in three ways. Our physiology, the cultural and societal beliefs we are exposed to, and our childhood experiences. In this way, often, our very first experience of feeling a certain way will dictate our future reactions, as our brain assumes that any time we feel that same way, the same events will unfold. You may think you are an adult making decisions but in fact, it is the child inside you that is making the decision.

    For example, suppose you grew up in a physically violent family. In that case, when you are exposed to violence in your relationships, you’ll associate this with family and love – you’ll believe, based on your earliest experiences, that violence=love.

    Below is an excerpt from How Emotions are Made to explain how we are responsible for creating our own emotions. You may often hear people saying things such as ‘You made me feel like this,’ She made me feel this,’ but these are disproven in Barrett’s work, emotions – are not, and cannot be, forced upon us by other people.

    “Emotions are not built-in. They are not universal but vary from culture to culture. They emerge as a combination of the physical properties of your body, a brain that wires itself to adhere to whatever environment it develops in, and your culture and upbringing, which provide that environment. Emotions are not reactions to the world. From sensory input and past experience, your brain constructs meaning and prescribes action.”

    This is so important when analyzing the Tinder Swindler case because it helps to set the scene of understanding as to why these women were able to be conned and unknowingly conned themselves. Their brains made predictive assumptions from their histories that created the illusion that they were innocently duped when in actuality, they played an active role in the duping.

    How do emotions create the women’s conning of themselves?

    Her opening statement below gives a lot of insight into her emotional thinking and how she planted the seeds for her own self-conning:

    “The moment I get nervous, then I know there is something special here. I’m after that all-consuming, kind of what you’ve grown up with. The first memory I have of love is Disney. I had memorized the entire beauty and the beast cassette. I love how she’s just a small-town girl just like me, hoping for something bigger. She meets this person, then she saves him in a sense, and he saves her. They go into a different life together. It just sticks with you like the feeling of a prince coming to save you. I think that even though you know it’s not real, it’s still with you. I think everyone has that little bit of hope deep down inside. It will be as magical as they are portraying it to be.”

    The feeling of nervousness she mentions is a prime example of physiological learning. She formed a prediction in her mind that this was a feeling of love towards Leviev. Because this was a feeling she had experienced previously, her mind immediately associated this sensation of nervousness with love – even though, on this occasion, it could have been a different indicator of fear or worry.

    In particular, the reference to Disney, the Beast in Beauty and the Beast. She was looking for a beast – or a narcissist in today’s terms. Simon Leviev certainly has many narcissistic traits; She believes that Simon (The Beast) is the Prince that she can save, and the way to do this is by giving him money.

    The belief that a person is powerful enough to save another is a God complex. It is also a narcissistic trait but from the disempowered victim position. Her idea that she can save Leviev and change who he is as a person is a crucial part of her swindling herself – it’s important, again, to remember that she is not to blame as this was an unconscious feeling, whereas Simon’s behavior was conscious. She unconsciously believes that she has enough power (a disempowered narcissistic trait) to change him. It is her Disney childhood dream to rescue a beastly man.

    Furthermore, there is such a thing as ‘love addiction,’ which is the fantasy-like creation of a super love for someone in your mind. In her eyes, Simon became the Prince, and she believed they could both save each other. Here she’s creating a fantasy based on a construct of emotions. She has implanted in her mind due to memorizing the Disney story.

    Remember, this is all unconscious to her, but she wants her Disney dream and will do anything she can to have it. Unfortunately, Disney trained her to look for a beast and skewed her view that love is based on intensity and trauma. She’s not to blame for this, and she is responsible on an unconscious level – she’s participating through the false belief that she can save a man by financially conning him to get what she wants. To be the beauty that loves and nurtures the beast into a prince.

    So, to recap, her brain created the following emotional predictions and assumptions:

    1- She equated danger/fear with love – the Beast
    2- The Beast, or Simon, is a prince that she can save
    3- A God complex to get her power back over her fear
    4- She created a love-addicted fantasy of Simon.
    5- She conned herself unknowingly based on her learned emotional experiences

    How The Worst Day Cycle created the conning of themselves

    Trauma in childhood is inevitable simply because we are all human and perfectly imperfect. Each parent will make mistakes that leave wounds in us. It’s important to remember that trauma does not have to be a huge event. Trauma is any experience in life that creates a negative response or feeling. Trauma is the first stage of the cycle. It generates feelings of fear, which is stage two.

    The third stage of the cycle is shame which is a loss of our authentic power. A prominent way parents traumatize us and place this shame in us happens when we make a simple mistake. It was simply the act or behavior that was bad. To solve this dilemma, we create a false self to get our power back.. It becomes a learned emotional response. It is actually a survival instinct. I go into much more detail about this process in my book, ‘Your Journey To Success.’

    In addition, we learn from our parents how relationships work. Therefore, the adult relationships we pursue reflect the relationships we experienced as children.

    Shame turns into false victim power.

    In our culture, there is an unintended consequence to protecting them. Our culture now absolves the victim from any responsibility. This has created tremendous power from the disempowered victim position. Instead of the media and society teaching the public that we make our emotions, that we are all stuck in The Worst Day Cycle and reliving our unhealed pain from childhood, and seeking out the same perfectly imperfect hurtful relationships we experienced as children, they are celebrated. The women now hold power over Simon Leviev and society. Reliving our Worst Day Cycle is a tremendous payoff for us all. Being the victim gives us the power that we lost as children. No one will hold us responsible for the part we played. It WORKS!

    In conclusion

    These women are not to blame. Bypassing responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and actions onto others.

    Therefore, if we genuinely want to protect victims and take away the predator’s power, we need to start teaching everyone that our upbringing, beliefs, and manufactured emotional projections that create our Worst Day Cycle play a part in our being responsible.

    Unfortunately, for these women, the lack of information on how emotions are made and The Worst Day Cycle enabled Simon Leviev to consciously con them while unconsciously conning themselves.

    For more on this, watch or listen to Lisa Feldman Barrett’s TedTalk – ‘You aren’t at the mercy of your emotions, your brain creates them,‘ Read her book ‘How Emotions Are Made.’
    Then, check out the Worst Day Cycle playlist on my YouTube channel, pick up my book ‘Your Journey To Success,’ and dive in even further with my free masterclass, ‘Your Journey To Emotional Authenticity’!

    Are you looking for more solutions? Pick the one that suits your needs best!

    1- My Book, Your Journey To Success
    2- My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method
    3- My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group
    4- My Private Coaching

    Learn more here:

  • The Bad Vegan and The Worst Day Cycle

    The Bad Vegan and The Worst Day Cycle

    This Best Day Blog article and accompanying video is an analysis of the happenings that took place in the Netflix docu-series Bad Vegan – Fame. Fraud. Fugitives.

    In this article, I will be discussing what created the attraction between the ‘meat suit’. Otherwise known as Anthony Strangis, and the bad vegan, Sarma Melngailis. Having this information will allow you to protect yourself from falling for a ‘meat suit’ yourself! Throughout the article I’ll be sharing lots of helpful resources so that you can gain the knowledge, skills, and tools that you need so that you don’t ever fall prey to a situation like this.

    What creates a ‘meat suit’ and what creates the vegan who is attracted to them?

    For those who haven’t yet watched the documentary, the ‘meat suit’ is what Strangis calls his human form, his vessel. He believes he is a ‘non-human’ and that his body is simply here as a physical representation of himself – his meat suit. I will refer to him as the ‘meat suit’ from here on out.

    What created the personality of the meat suit, though? Well, it is something I call The Worst Day Cycle. The Worst Day Cycle explains how we end up in relationships like these. Furthermore, it explains how we fall short in reaching our potential. If you would like to learn the full process and how it is operating in your life because yes, it is operating in all of our lives, I discuss it at length in my book ‘Your Journey to Success’. Your cycle may not be as extreme as what was portrayed in Bad Vegan, but everybody on this planet is caught living in The Worst Day Cycle.

    What is the Worst Day Cycle (WDC)?

    On my YouTube channel, I have a 5-part video series which takes you through the WDC called ‘Reclaim Your Authentic Self By Becoming Trauma Informed. You will find that series within my WDC playlist.

    The WDC consists of four parts, trauma, fear, shame and denial. This might be hard to swallow but every single one of us experiences trauma in childhood – this is unavoidable. For the Meat Suit in Bad Vegan he experienced significant neglect and abandonment from his father who often took him gambling when he was a child. He and his mother were also held hostage and he watched as his father held a gun to her head. While many of us do not experience this level of trauma. We do experience emotional injuries from our perfectly imperfect caregivers.

    Worst Day Cycle

    For Sarma the ‘Bad Vegan’, she experienced her parents divorcing at 9 years old which is a difficult experience for anyone to go through and her sister, with all best intention, took on a protective role for her, often talking for Sarma and becoming her voice – this is also what happened in the relationship with Anthony – he became her voice. Sarma ended up playing the prisoner just as she had as a child and therefore subconsciously looked for this in her partners. Someone who could talk for her and ‘protect’ her – the trauma cycle repeats.

    Many people don’t realize that they’ve experienced trauma in their childhoods. They believe they are completely recovered from it, but most often this isn’t the case. My video ‘The Wounded Inner Child’ will help you to understand more about this. When you are living in denial and not accepting that your childhood was less than perfect. You can’t recover or prevent similar events like those that took place in ‘Bad Vegan’ from happening.

    Worst Day Cycle

    When we go through these emotional and traumatic experiences our brain actually becomes emotionally addicted to the explosion of fear chemicals and hormones that are released – we become addicted to the trauma – my video on ‘The Tinder Swindler’ goes into this phenomena in some depth. Because we have been conditioned to minimize and suppress our fears, we are all stuck in it. We’ve never been taught the Emotional Authenticity Method I teach to cope with these difficult emotional life experiences.

    There is a great deal of work in science, medicine and society that has taken place around emotions because we now know that, actually, emotions do run our lives – not our intellect. Emotions come first – every thought we have starts with a feeling, and because we haven’t developed the Emotional Authenticity that we need, our brains automatically replay the unhealed emotions from the past when we experience new things or things that subconsciously trigger the same feelings we experienced as children.

    The Third Stage

    The third stage of the cycle is shame. As a child we must physically and emotionally connect to another human being to survive. Therefore when our parents are imperfect and create emotional injuries inside of us. We adapt and create a false persona to fit in. It is a survival mechanism to protect ourselves. Because it happens so young, we believe it is the real “us”. This loss of the authentic self creates a power vacuum. Shame is ultimately a power dynamic. We use this deep shame core as adults to regain our power. How do we do that? By choosing hobbies, friends, careers and relationships that mirror the injuries of our childhood. We do this because even though we have been hurt, who is responsible for the hurt? Ourselves, we CHOSE, this person place or thing.  The overwhelming truth that we are responsible for our self-victimization send us into denial.

    About Denial

    Denial is the single greatest killer on the planet today. He is the main reason you don’t have the relationship, career or life you want. This is exactly what Sarma was caught in – the shame and denial portions of the cycle. She kept going back, choosing to re-victimize herself (shame) by denying the abuse and lies that were right in front of her. Not because she is a bad person but because as a society we don’t teach about The Worst Day Cycle or how to attain Emotional Authenticity.

    To dive deeper into how denial is the single greatest killer on the planet today, I really recommend checking out my ‘Self-Deception/Denial’ playlist on YouTube so you can learn how your denial is affecting your life and begin the healing journey.

    The Worst Day Cycle is incredibly powerful. People often think that these sorts of experiences can only happen to people who aren’t smart or are defective in some way, but Sarma was a very clever woman. It happens to all of us. Many people find this very difficult to accept – that even the ‘victim’ could be responsible for bad things happening to them, but learning to accept responsibility for this is the only way to heal. Sarma wanted money, she wanted her dog to be saved and she made the choice to stay. She did these things because of The Worst Day Cycle and her lack of Emotional Authenticity.

    Resources and links to help you

    We must become an expert in the worst day cycle and how trauma, fear, shame and denial operate in our lives. My book ‘Your Journey to Success’ goes through this in detail.

    If you would like to start your healing journey then sign up to my free masterclass ‘Your Journey to Emotional Authenticity.’ Learning my Emotional Authenticity method does not take long and you will see very quickly how much better your life becomes and when you have the knowledge, skills, and tools, how easy it is to avoid being eaten by a meat suit!

    Are you looking for more solutions? Pick the one that suits your needs best!

    1- My Book, Your Journey To Success
    2- My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method
    3- My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group
    4- My Private Coaching

    To learn more watch this:

  • The Tinder Swindler – How The Women Conned Themselves

    The Tinder Swindler – How The Women Conned Themselves

    That’s a bold proposition. you might think, but keep on reading to find out how childhood, society, and culture created the perfect storm for these women to, unknowingly, be swindled and swindle themselves.

    Before we dive in, though, there are some crucial points to bear in mind:

    1-The Tinder-Swindler, aka Simon Leviev, was consciously aware that How The Women Conned Themselves. The women were NOT consciously aware they were conning themselves.
    2-The women are NOT to blame, and they are responsible – I will show you how both are true.
    3-If you notice anger surfacing over the prospect that the women conned themselves. That is a great opportunity to learn how you con yourself!

    4-If you choose not to read the full article due to feeling anger at the content. You will rob yourself of the opportunity to learn how to protect yourself from a similar situation.

    Don’t take the easy route and mistake this for victim-blaming.

    On the contrary, if you are open to a deeper understanding of human and relationship dynamics.

    what I am about to share empowers the victims of such crimes. Sets them free, and raises people’s ability to create healthy relationships.

    Find love, and defend themselves against predators.

    For many, what I am about to share will challenge most of your current emotions and cultural beliefs.

    Therefore, it will feel like you are being waterboarded with spinach.

    At first, it will be quite a mouthful, but if you stick with it. you realize it was good for you because it is healthy and based on truth.

    Men and women worldwide are open to being conned in life because they don’t realize how they can play an equally responsible role in the dynamic.

    Unfortunately, this is not often discussed in documentaries such as the Tinder Swindler, and it’s certainly not something we’re taught growing up – how all of us can play a part in being conned.

    Explanation

    The explanation for how the women conned themselves comes down to two advances in neuroscience and psychology. The first is by Lisa Feldman Barrett, who shared her discovery in 2017 with her book ‘How Emotions Are Made.’ Her work transformed previous theories on emotions and how our brain processes information. She is now in the top 1% of scientists most commonly cited for their work.

    Secondly, my development of what I call the ‘Worst Day Cycle,’ which is a self victimizing process we all live out until we heal the childhood trauma that created it.

    Coincidentally, our books came out around the same time, and both combine to create a scientific understanding as to why and how these women conned themselves.

    We Create Our Emotions. Nobody makes us feel anything.

    Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work shows that we create emotions in three ways.  physiology, the cultural and societal beliefs we are exposed to, and our childhood experiences.

    Our brains learn to make assumptions based on previous life experiences and the definitions we created based on our culture and the messaging from our caregivers.

    Our brains than use those past experiences, our current physiology, and cataloged information to project and predict what will happen next.

    In this way, often, our very first experience of feeling a certain way will dictate our future reactions, as our brain assumes that any time we feel that same way.

    The same events will unfold. You may think you are an adult making decisions but in fact, it is the child inside you that is making the decision.

    Example

    For example, suppose you grew up in a physically violent family. In that case, when you are exposed to violence in your relationships.

    you’ll associate this with family and love – you’ll believe, based on your earliest experiences, that violence=love.

    Below is an excerpt from How Emotions are Made to explain how we are responsible for creating our own emotions.

    You may often hear people saying things such as ‘You made me feel like this,’ She made me feel this. But these are disproven in Barrett’s work, emotions – are not, and cannot be, forced upon us by other people.

    “Emotions are not built-in. They are not universal but vary from culture to culture.

    They are not triggered; you create them. They emerge as a combination of the physical properties of your body. A brain that wires itself to adhere to whatever environment it develops in, and your culture and upbringing, provide that environment.

    Emotions are not reactions to the world. You are not a passive receiver of sensory input but an active constructor of your emotions.

    From sensory input and past experience, your brain constructs meaning and prescribes action.”

    This is so important when analyzing the Tinder Swindler case because it helps to set the scene of understanding as to why these women were able to be conned and unknowingly conned themselves.

    Their brains made predictive assumptions from their histories that created the illusion that they were innocently duped when in actuality, they played an active role in the duping.

    How do emotions create the women’s conning of themselves?

    From the very beginning, the first lady who was conned begins to tell us of her dreams of romance.

    How she felt physiologically upon meeting Leviev, and her first memories of love. Her opening statement below gives a lot of insight into her emotional thinking and how she planted the seeds for her own self-conning:

    “The moment I get nervous, then I know there is something special here. I’m after that all-consuming, kind of what you’ve grown up with.

    The first memory I have of love is Disney. I had memorized the entire beauty and the beast cassette. I love how she’s just a small-town girl just like me, hoping for something bigger.

    she meets this person, then she saves him in a sense, and he saves her.

    They go into a different life together. It just sticks with you like the feeling of a prince coming to save you.

    I think that even though you know it’s not real, it’s still with you. I think everyone has that little bit of hope deep down inside it will be as magical as they are portraying it to be.”

    The feeling of nervousness she mentions is a prime example of physiological learning. She formed a prediction in her mind that this was a feeling of love towards Leviev. Because this was a feeling she had experienced previously.

    Her mind immediately associated this sensation of nervousness with love – even though, on this occasion.

    It could have been a different indicator of fear or worry. Again, this was an unconscious reaction that she cannot be blamed for, and it was a contributing factor to her conning herself.

    Beast in Beauty and the Beast

    In particular, the reference to Disney, the Beast in Beauty and the Beast, shows that she was taught that fear and attraction go hand-in-hand.

    She was looking for a beast – or a narcissist in today’s terms. Simon Leviev certainly has many narcissistic traits.

    However, due to this woman’s construction of what love looks like, she believes this is what she should be attracted to – the physiological reactions of nervousness have certainly proven this to her.

    She believes that Simon (The Beast) is the Prince that she can save, and the way to do this is by giving him money.

    The belief that a person is powerful enough to save another is a God complex. It is also a narcissistic trait but from the disempowered victim position.

    Her idea that she can save Leviev and change who he is as a person is a crucial part of her swindling herself.

    it’s important, again, to remember that she is not to blame as this was an unconscious feeling.

    whereas Simon’s behavior was conscious. She unconsciously believes that she has enough power (a disempowered narcissistic trait) to change him.

    It is her Disney childhood dream to rescue a beastly man.

    Love addiction

    Furthermore, there is such a thing as ‘love addiction,’ which is the fantasy-like creation of a super love for someone in your mind. In her eyes.

    Simon became the Prince, and she believed they could both save each other. Here she’s creating a fantasy based on a construct of emotions that she has implanted in her mind due to memorizing the Disney story.

    Remember, this is all unconscious to her, but she wants her Disney dream and will do anything she can to have it. Unfortunately.

    Disney trained her to look for a beast and skewed her view that love is based on intensity and trauma. She’s not to blame for this, and she is responsible on an unconscious level.

    she’s participating through the false belief that she can save a man by financially conning him to get what she wants. To be the beauty that loves and nurtures the beast into a prince.

    Emotional predictions and assumptions

    So, to recap, her brain created the following emotional predictions and assumptions:

    1- She equated danger/fear with love – the Beast
    2- The Beast, or Simon, is a prince that she can save
    3- A God complex to get her power back over her fear
    4- She created a love-addicted fantasy of Simon.
    5- She conned herself unknowingly based on her learned emotional experiences
    6- She is not to blame because she was never taught this is how we create our emotions

    How ‘The Worst Day Cycle” created the conning of themselves

    Trauma in childhood is inevitable simply because we are all human and perfectly imperfect. Each parent will make mistakes that leave wounds in us.

    It’s important to remember that trauma does not have to be a huge event. Trauma is any experience in life that creates a negative response or feeling. Trauma is the first stage of the cycle. It generates feelings of fear, which is stage two. Her “nervousness” shows her cycle has been triggered.

    The third stage of the cycle

    The third stage of the cycle is a shame which is a loss of our authentic power. A prominent way parents traumatize us and place this shame on us happens when we make a simple mistake. The message is sent that we as people are bad when it was simply the act or behavior that was bad.

    This perfectly imperfect parenting where the message is misappropriated creates our shame core, the belief that we are defective. To solve this dilemma.

    we create a false self to get our power back. Inherently since it is not authentic and it is derived to create a connection with our parents which we need to survive, it is self-victimizing. It becomes a learned emotional response. It is actually a survival instinct. I go into much more detail about this process in my book, ‘Your Journey To Success.’

    In addition, we learn from our parents how relationships work. Therefore, the adult relationships we pursue reflect the relationships we experienced as children. We’re attracted to what we know – this explains why these women were drawn to the ‘Beast’!

    Shame turns into false victim power.

    In our culture, victims rightly need to be protected, and there is an unintended consequence to protecting them. Our culture now absolves the victim from any responsibility.

    This has created tremendous power from the disempowered victim position. Instead of the media and society teaching the public that we make our emotions, that we are all stuck in The Worst Day Cycle and reliving our unhealed pain from childhood, and seeking out the same perfectly imperfect hurtful relationships we experienced as children, they are celebrated.

    The women now hold power over Simon Leviev and society. Reliving our Worst Day Cycle is a tremendous payoff for us all. Being the victim gives us the power that we lost as children, and no one will hold us responsible for the part we played. It WORKS!

    In conclusion

    These women are not to blame. They can’t be blamed for how society, culture, and their childhood experiences trained them to play the victim, bypassing responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and actions onto others. They can’t be blamed that although the science is out there, the media, society, and culture.

    in this case, Netflix is still telling the same old story. They can only do what they know, and all they know is how to play an unconscious part in their being victimized. That is a societal failure and not theirs.

    Therefore, if we genuinely want to protect victims and take away the predator’s power, we need to start teaching everyone that our upbringing, beliefs, and manufactured emotional projections that create our Worst Day Cycle play a part in our being responsible.

    Unfortunately, for these women, the lack of information on How the Women Conned Themselves and how emotions are made and The Worst Day Cycle enabled Simon Leviev to consciously con them while unconsciously conning themselves.

    For more on this, watch or listen to Lisa Feldman Barrett’s TedTalk – ‘You aren’t at the mercy of your emotions, your brain creates them,‘ Read her book ‘How Emotions Are Made.’

    Then, check out the ‘Worst Day Cycle’ playlist on my YouTube channel, pick up my book ‘Your Journey To Success,’ and dive in even further with my free masterclass, ‘Your Journey To Emotional Authenticity’!

    Are you looking for more solutions? Pick the one that suits your needs best!

    1- My Book, Your Journey To Success
    2- My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method
    3- My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group
    4- My Private Coaching

    Learn More here:

  • Manipulative Relationship Tactics Not To Fall For

    Manipulative Relationship Tactics Not To Fall For

    Do you ever feel like your partner is manipulating you? In today’s article, I will be sharing five different manipulative tactics people use in relationships. With this new understanding, you can protect yourself from manipulators.

    1- They take advantage of your fairness

    A perfect example of this is in a divorce where a couple tries to split things 50/50. When one side starts bringing up something that you ‘owe’ them because of X, Y, or Z, the person trying to be fair gets taken advantage of. They use that sense of fairness against you. Then, of course, they deny doing any such thing.

    2- They deny and project

    This looks like them explaining away their lies and deception as necessary. They will downplay what they said and say it’s “no big deal.” They might even flat out deny that what they’re doing or what they did is wrong. In the end, you start to question what actually happened – everything is now on you.

    3- They will try to separate you from your family

    This can happen in many ways. It can be overt, like saying, “I don’t like your family, and we’re not spending time over there.” Or they might try to convince you that your family is wrong for you. So you end up being placed in a position where you have to choose between a relationship with this person or seeing your family. If it’s not overt suggestions, it will be hints and dismissive messages.

    4- They remove your skepticism

    When you feel like you can’t ask them a question or bring up a topic you’re struggling with within the relationship, and you’re met with anger or derision, they remove your ability to be openly skeptical. You feel attacked for even considering needing or wanting something from them. It could be as simple as enjoying a hug or spending more time with them. And you feel this sense of impending trouble if you try. As a result, you have to walk on eggshells and can’t express yourself.

    5- They play nice

    They end up doing a lot for you regardless of whether or not they want to. They eventually start throwing back in your face everything they do for you and try to use that as leverage for you to do things for them. “I did X for you. Why can’t you do Y for me?” They keep score which is very codependent, manipulative, and the antithesis of unconditional love.

    What is the solution?

    At the heart of all this, there’s an attraction to this manipulative person. The parent who used conditional love creates the attraction as an adult. The direct or indirect messages were that we have to fit into this box, and we are no longer a part of the family if we don’t. That original abandonment is why we fall for the manipulations as an adult.

    Being manipulated in a relationship is hurtful and confusing. However, on the positive side, it only requires gaining some new skills and tools to end the pain.

    Are you looking for more solutions? Pick the one that suits your needs best!

    1- My Book, Your Journey To Success
    2- My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method
    3- My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group
    4- My Private Coaching

    Learn more here:

  • Are They a Codependent or a Narcissist?

    Are They a Codependent or a Narcissist?

    Did you know that many people confuse a subtype of codependency with Narcissist?

    It is critically important to know the difference between the two because you can save a relationship with a codependent, but you can’t keep a relationship with a narcissist.

     

    What’s creating this confusion?

     

    Why do people get codependency and narcissism mixed up? Well, first simple answer is the internet.

    When you view informative content on any platform, you’re only getting a snapshot of the whole truth. No one would be receptive to content spanning ten or twelve hours – our attention spans aren’t that long! We prefer content that is short and to the point. It’s impossible to cover all of the subtleties and intricacies of a dynamic in such a short amount of time or a passing post on social media.

    People watch several videos or view content and become self-professed experts on the content, not realizing that there is so much to it that they have missed. They then pass this incomplete information along, leading to a lack of clarity and misunderstanding of the distinctions. It actually requires a lot of invested time and effort to become an expert in something.

    So, even this content that I will share will not give you a complete picture of the differences between codependency and narcissism. Still, it will provide you with a basic understanding that you can explore and, if you like, delve deeper.

    The second reason is the lack of understanding in regards to codependence. Sadly, most professionals only know or speak about the typical disempowered, needy, type we are all familiar with. Many are not aware of Pia Mellody’s work which shows that in fact, there is not only the standard disempowered, but also it’s polar opposite, the falsely empowered. To learn more about this relatively unknown side of codependence I suggest you pick up her book, Facing Codependence and subscribe to my Youtube channel. I have several videos on my Codependence playlist which will provide you the complete understanding of Codependence.

     

    What is a narcissist?

     

    According to the DSM, for someone to be considered a narcissist, they must have at least five of the following nine characteristics:

    1. A grandiose sense of self-importance. They exaggerate their talents and achievements to seem superior.
    2. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
    3. A belief that they are special or unique can only be understood by or associated with people or institutions with high statuses.
    4. Requirements of excessive admiration; attempts to attract others and be their focus of attention.
    5. A sense of entitlement such as unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
    6. Exploits others to achieve their own ends; relationships are largely superficial and exist for their own self-esteem.
    7. A lack of empathy with an unwillingness to recognize or identify with the feelings of others.
    8. Envious of others or believes others are envious of them.
    9. Arrogant, haughty attitudes or behaviors.

    If someone has at least five of these characteristics without any external factors such as addictions, alcohol, or drugs, they may be a narcissist. In addition, these traits must be relatively stable and consistent across time and situations – they don’t just have moments of these characteristics that come and go.

     

    Falsely empowered codependent?

     

    This subtype of codependence is often mistaken for narcissism. In some ways, they look exactly the same, but not in all ways, and the critical part is the stability of these traits across situations.

    Most people teach codependence as one overarching concept, leaving people with the impression that codependent people are whiny, spineless, and weak. That’s the disempowered side of the dynamic. The other side is linked to some of the most successful people on the planet. This is not to say that some successful and powerful people are not narcissistic, but what we celebrate as a successful person in our society is often actually a falsely empowered codependent.

    This subtype of codependent is arrogant, grandiose, invulnerable, anti-dependent, a perfectionist, walled-off, and controlling. This is the CEO, lawyer, banker, finance type, social media star, and actor. These people rely on grandiosity, admiration, entitlement and demand the attention of others to succeed in their career, social status, or achievements. Can you see how this could be mistaken for narcissism?

     

    Falsely Empowered Codependents

     

    Falsely empowered codependents minimize and deny their own feelings, seeing them as weaknesses; they lack empathy for others’ emotions. This is because they are so invested in achieving what is called ‘outside pursuits’ such as their career, they can only focus on themselves and their achievement. They need approval and validation just like a narcissist and persistently label, judge, and criticize others. They might use sex, money, intellect, and charm or gifts to manipulate, control, and have power over others. Or they might be indifferent, authoritative, or enraged as a means to control people.

    This type of codependent will try to control and shape others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions. They will avoid emotional, physical, intellectual, and sexual intimacy to keep control and distance. Illness, addiction, and outside hobbies or interests will be used to avoid reality. This subtype believes they have everything together and don’t have any issues; any perceived problems are because of other people. These codependents are also created by their childhood trauma. Unfortunately, they will likely say that their childhood and parents were perfect; there were no problems growing up.

    However, despite how similar this is to narcissism, some differences set them apart.

     

    The difference between narcissism and falsely empowered codependence

     

    Although falsely empowered codependents will rarely admit their mistake, they are aware they have made a mistake. They will rarely cooperate, negotiate, or discuss a problem, but they are usually aware that they can avoid the problem. On the other hand, the narcissist thinks that they are faultless and that you are the crazy one for seeing any kind of fault with them.

    Similarly, the codependent will feel superior to others to hide their shame while the narcissist lacks that awareness. The codependent might be aware that they need help but will never ask for it, and they will be resistant to professional help.

    Something commonly found in the falsely empowered codependent is addiction. That doesn’t just mean alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other typically ‘addictive’ things. It can be an addiction to food or working out, for example, or other more ‘acceptable’ things; it doesn’t have to be an addiction to illicit things. With a narcissist, addiction is not always the present. These traits are almost always present in narcissism, while the falsely empowered codependent almost always has an addiction present, which is partially to blame for the behavior. While it is true that some narcissists do have addictions, the narcissist’s primary addiction, usually, is themselves. In many cases they don’t need an outside substance. Finally, they are not present enough in themselves to observe their dysregulation while a falsely empowered codependent is.

    So, the three main distinctions between the narcissist and the falsely empowered codependent are awareness, addiction, and consistency.

     

    Three Main Distinctions

     

    The falsely empowered codependent may not admit their dysfunction, but they are aware of it, while the narcissist is entirely oblivious. You may as well be speaking a different language. The codependent almost always has an addiction, while the narcissist sometimes does. And all of the personality traits discussed above that show up in narcissism are consistent across time and situations. One narcissistic moment at one point does not mean a person is a narcissist.

    Take Phoenix, Arizona, and Denver, Colorado as comparisons. Phoenix is a desert – it’s always hot, the skies are usually blue, clouds rarely form, or rain falls; it’s unchanging like a narcissist with only occasional dips. On the other hand, Denver has multiple seasons with long winters that seem almost endless, but they do end. This is an example of consistency differences. You can think of the narcissists as Phoenix and the falsely empowered codependent as Denver. One’s behavior is constant, while the other has seasons.

    So, when people watch a fifteen-minute video and become an ‘expert,’ they’re missing out on the inconsistencies of narcissistic traits found in the codependent. Instead, they mistake falsely empowered codependence as narcissism.

     

    Seek Professional Help

     

    This is why it is so important to seek professional help when dealing with these dynamics. Then, when you start to discover the subtleties truly, you’ll realize the difference between the two, which could be the key to saving your relationships.

    If you are not ready to do that, you can go to my Youtube channel, you will find the Codependent and Narcissism playlists. In my opinion, it is critical to understand codependence because it is so prevalent in daily life and relationships. People underestimate how vital codependence recovery is to navigate anything.Gaining the knowledge, skills, and tools to overcome codependence might save a relationship. To get more help with setting boundaries and healing from Codependence, take advantage of my FREE downloads here: http://kennyweiss.net/resources/

    Are you looking for more solutions? Pick the one that suits your needs best!

     

    1- My Book, Your Journey To Success
    2- My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method
    3- My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group
    4- My Private Coaching

     

    To learn more, you can watch the video here: