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Category: Emotional Authenticity

  • ⭐Hey You Chase Love (And They Pull Away)

    ⭐Hey You Chase Love (And They Pull Away)

    “You don’t chase them because you love them.
    You chase them because your childhood taught you that love runs away.”

    “You’re not pursuing a partner — you’re pursuing the parent who couldn’t choose you.”

    THE MOMENT YOU START CHASING

    Let’s start with the exact moment it happens.

    Someone pulls away —
    maybe a text slows down,
    their tone shifts,
    the energy changes,
    they turn distant,
    or they say “I just need space.”

    Instantly your body:

    • goes into panic
    • your chest tightens
    • your stomach drops
    • your mind races
    • you replay every interaction
    • you start fixing, soothing, chasing
    • you send the long text
    • you over-explain
    • you apologize even when you did nothing wrong
    • you start “performing”
    • you try to become the version of you they’ll choose

    But what you call chasing…

    …is actually your fear hijacking your nervous system.

    This is NOT about them.
    This is not even about adult you.

    This is your unseen childhood wound screaming:

    “DON’T LEAVE ME.”

    THE REAL EMOTIONAL BLUEPRINT BEHIND CHASING

    Chasing doesn’t begin in adulthood.

    Chasing begins the exact moment you learned:

    • love was inconsistent
    • love was unpredictable
    • love was conditional
    • love disappeared
    • love had to be earned
    • love pulled away the moment you needed it
    • love chose work, addiction, siblings, religion, stress, or silence over you

    Chasing love is not a behavior.
    It is a childhood role.

    Here are the five childhood conditions that create adult “chasers”:

    1. YOU GREW UP WITH AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE CAREGIVER

    You learned connection comes through pursuit.

    2. YOU LEARNED TO EARN LOVE THROUGH PERFORMANCE

    Achievement = attention.
    Obedience = connection.

    It was all about what you did, how well you did it, and NOT about who you are.

    Your Achievement and Obedience are what got you attention and connection.

    3. YOU WERE THE EMOTIONAL CARETAKER

    Your worth and value came from emotionally fixing, soothing, & stabilizing them

    4. YOU LIVED IN CONFUSION

    Your worth and value came from emotionally fixing, soothing, & stabilizing them

    5. YOU NEVER FELT CHOSEN

    So you lived in the background, like the family pet at the dinner table, yearning for head scratches and any leftover scraps of love.

    So, your adult chasing is simply: Your childhood trying to finish a story it never got to complete.

    THE TRAUMA CHEMISTRY LOOP

    This part is critical.

    Your brain is formed by your emotional experiences as a child, and those experiences create an emotional blueprint we take into adulthood. Id you are a chaser, your brain became addicted to the emotional chemicals produced by:

    • distance
    • unpredictability
    • inconsistency
    • hope + fear cycles
    • intermittent reinforcement
    • longing
    • unreliability

    This emotional cycle of ups and downs is identical to what casinos use.

    Your brain gets dopamine not from love…

    …but from the chase. As a child, you pulled the metaphorical emotional safety and love slot machine handle every day, anxious to see what you were going to get from your caregivers.

    Like the gambler, you were desperate to win. And you are still desperate to win. That is why you keep picking people who mirror the emotional environment of your childhood.

    Now you know why:

    • The avoidant feels magnetic
    • The unavailable feels intoxicating
    • The distant feels “deep”
    • The stable feels boring
    • The present feels unsafe
    • The consistent feels foreign

    Your nervous system isn’t seeking love.

    Your nervous system is seeking what it survived.

    That is because our brains are designed to repeat what they already know emotionally. It follows the emotional blueprint of what we experienced as children. This is what I call The Worst Day Cycle.

    THE WORST DAY CYCLE BEHIND CHASING

    Let’s break it down:

    TRAUMA

    The moment a caregiver didn’t choose you.
    Your blueprint has been formed, which sends you into stage two.

    FEAR

    Your brain and body become chemically addicted to the emotional state of chasing. And the chasing sends you into stage three. SHAME

    You internalize:

    • “If I were enough, they would stay.”
    • “I’m the reason they pull away.”
    • “I need to fix myself.”
    • “I’m unlovable unless I earn it.”

    SHAME

    Your emotional blueprint becomes internalized with mantras like:

    • “If I were enough, they would stay.”
    • “I’m the reason they pull away.”
    • “I need to fix myself.”
    • “I’m unlovable unless I earn it.”
    • So you only have one option. To get any emotional scraps from the dinner table of love,
      you have to cast off your authentic self, redefine what is hurtful, and call it love.
    • Now, the only way you can achieve that and protect yourself from the overwhelming
      emotional pain you are experiencing is to move to stage four.

    DENIAL

    This is where the child you came up with a brilliant life-saving strategy. To protect your authentic self from the pain and loss of care, you create a protective persona of:

    • the fixer, and the giver
    • the perfect partner
    • the calm one
    • the stable one
    • the one who always forgives
    • And the emotionally responsible one

    You chase because your childhood emotional blueprint persona learned that the only way to survive was to chase.

    It’s not who you are —
    it’s who you became to survive.

    WHY YOU CAN’T STOP CHASING EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER

    You can’t stop because your nervous system was programmed to interpret distance as danger.
    Withholding = abandonment
    Silence = rejection
    Space = disconnection

    So when someone pulls away, your body doesn’t think:

    “Maybe they’re busy.”

    Your body thinks:

    I’m losing love.
    I’m losing worth.
    I’m losing safety.

    Fear takes over,

    Shame floods your system,
    your adult self disappears,
    and your childhood wound starts frantically pulling on the slot machine handle, desperate to win love, finally

    So, you see, you’re not chasing THEM.

    You’re chasing the FEELING of being chosen.

    THE CHILD YOU LEFT BEHIND

    Now here is the tough truth that most people won’t tell you.

    The adult who’s chasing isn’t really you. It is the hurt, unhealed parts of you.
    Depending on your specific childhood environment, it might be

    • the 5-year-old who felt invisible
    • the 7-year-old who never felt picked
    • the 9-year-old who earned approval through perfection as a student or athlete
    • the 12-year-old who emotionally soothed your parent after the divorce
    • the child who learned their needs were inconvenient
    • the child who believed:
      “If I can just be good enough, they will finally choose me.”

    So every time your partner withdraws…

    …your inner child jumps forward and says:

    “I can fix this.
    I can be better.
    I can make them stay.”

    That child STILL doesn’t know you survived.
    Still doesn’t know you’re an adult now.
    Still doesn’t know love can be safe.

    What that means is that chasing is your child trying to rewrite history and find someone to be the caregiver and caretaker of your abandoned heart.

    So, how do you stop the chasing pattern? You can’t do it with superficial strategies that treat the symptoms, like Emotional Intelligence but only with TRUE emotional reprogramming that heals the core.

    The process you are looking for is the Authentic Self Cycle, which is built on developing Emotional Authenticity. That is because Emotional Intelligence has you focus on your emotions today, not the root, the place where all emotions and feelings are learned, childhood, only Emotional Authenticity does that.

    So let’s begin with the Authentic Self Cycle and step one…

    HOW TO STOP CHASING

    Here is how you stop the chasing pattern — not the superficial version, but the TRUE emotional reprogramming: The Authentic Self Cycle

    1. TRUTH

    Identify the original moment you felt:

    “I’m not chosen.”

    This is the root wound behind every chase. This is a critical step because it breaks the wall of denial and exposes the false persona your emotional blueprint had to choose to survive.

    2. RESPONSIBILITY

    Not blame. Not shame. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
    So responsibility looks like….

    “This survival pattern kept me safe.
    And now it’s time to let it go.” And I will do that by committing to a process and plan of healing.

    3. HEALING — This is where the Emotional Authenticity Method comes in

    It shows you how to rewire the chasing response by:

    • Showing you how to reparent your inner child and become the parent who chooses you.
      And when you do that, you can…
    • break the shame story
    • heal the fear-based chemical addiction
    • Confront the emotional memory your body is still carrying
    • Create emotional safety inside your own nervous system
    • Teach your body that stability = safety
    • Build tolerance for consistent love

    When you become the parent you needed for yourself, safety becomes familiar, and chasing becomes unnecessary. And the combination of the first three steps leads you into

    4. FORGIVENESS

    Forgiveness is not about focusing on the partner you chased.

    Forgiveness is about the child who had to chase love to survive.

    Forgiveness is the moment you can be the parent to your wounded child and say:

    “I appreciate you for coming up with such a brilliant strategy. You are so smart and so capable, to have figured out how to survive.

    But I want you to know I am here now. It is my job and my promise to you is that I will work every day to become the parent you needed so you can feel safe and not feel like you have to take over anymore. You no longer need to earn love; I will give you all of mine.”

    YOUR JOURNEY TO BEING YOURSELF

    Let’s wrap this up.

    I hope you can now see that when you use the 4 Pillars of the Authentic Self Cycle, through the emotional authenticity method, what you discover that…

    “You do not chase because you’re needy.
    You chase because your childhood taught you that love disappears.”

    But…. More importantly. You deserve to be chosen not by others, but by yourself.”

  • The #1 Communication Mistake Couples Make That Leads to FIGHTS

    The #1 Communication Mistake Couples Make That Leads to FIGHTS

    Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner thinking, “How did we even get here?”
     You started with something simple — dinner plans, the kids, chores, a memory from last week — and suddenly you’re in a full-blown fight.
    Maybe you feel misunderstood. Maybe they keep telling you what you should think or feel. Maybe every conversation feels like walking through a minefield.

    If that sounds familiar, I want to reassure you of something:

    There’s nothing wrong with you. And there’s nothing uniquely broken about your relationship.

    What you’re experiencing comes down to two deeply common patterns I’ve seen in every relationship — even the healthy ones:

    1. Reality Arguments
    2. Taking Each Other’s Inventory

    And once you understand these two patterns (and how to fix them), communication becomes easier, intimacy returns, and the temperature in your relationship drops almost overnight.

    Let’s break this down in a way that’s simple, relatable, and transformative.

    The Real Reason You’re Fighting: You’re Having a Reality Argument

    A reality argument happens when two people look at the same situation and see two different truths — and they both believe theirs is the “correct” one.

    That’s it.
    That’s the whole fight.

    And here’s the kicker: Neither of you is wrong.

    Think about watching sports.
    The referee makes a call — half the stadium erupts in outrage, the other half cheers.
    Same event.
    Two realities.

    Or politics — Democrat vs. Republican.
    Two realities.

    Or religion — billions of people with billions of different ways to understand the world.
    Two realities.

    But here’s where romantic relationships get stuck: We become dependent on our partner agreeing with our reality. We stop being lovers and start being referees. Instead of curiosity, we move into control. Instead of connection, we move into competition. And instead of saying, “Help me understand your view,” it becomes, “You’re wrong — and here’s why my reality is better.”

    The relationship shifts into a race to the bottom.
    Two people fighting for victimhood, each saying:

    “You hurt me when you said that.”
    “No, you hurt me when you said that!”

    Down, down, down it goes.

    Why This Hurts So Much: Reality Is Personal History

    Your reality is shaped by:

    • your childhood
    • your fears
    • your survival strategies
    • your past wounds
    • your successes
    • your traumas
    • your beliefs about safety and love

    And so is theirs.

    When your partner’s reality conflicts with yours, it’s not because they’re stubborn. It’s because they’re human. Once you adopt this mindset, arguments stop being threats and start becoming opportunities. You shift from trying to win to trying to understand.

    Connection replaces combat.

    The Second Pattern Destroying Your Relationship: Taking Their Inventory

    Taking inventory happens when you tell your partner:

    • What they should think
    • What they should feel
    • What they should believe
    • What they should do

    Or when you interpret their choices and assign meaning to them:

    “Oh, you enjoy that? That must mean you’re selfish.”
    “You don’t agree with me? You must not care.”

    And here’s the painful truth:

    Every time we take the inventory of someone else, we are giving them permission to do the same to us.

    Most people don’t recognize this as codependency — but that’s exactly what it is.

    It’s stepping out of our adult selves and climbing into their mind, trying to control how they live.

    And when we do that, we lose the foundation of a healthy relationship:

    • containment
    • personal responsibility
    • boundaries
    • autonomy
    • emotional maturity

    This is precisely why most couples fight — not because one person is “toxic” or “wrong,” but because both people are crossing the net into the other person’s territory.

    And that brings us to the metaphor that changes everything.

    The Tennis Court: The Simple Metaphor That Saves Relationships

    Imagine your relationship as a tennis court.

    Two players. A net in the middle.
    Each person has their side of the court.

    Now ask yourself:

    Are you allowed to jump over the net and tell your opponent how to hit the ball?
    Are you allowed to decide their technique for them?
    Are you allowed to critique or control their shots?

    Of course not.

    And they’re not allowed to do that to you either.

    The net = the boundary between your reality and theirs.

    Your side of the court includes:

    • your thoughts
    • your feelings
    • your beliefs
    • your actions
    • your interpretations
    • your self-regulation
    • your choices

    Your partner’s side includes theirs.

    Neither is right or wrong — they’re just different.

    Some players love a one-handed backhand. Some swear by two hands. Neither is wrong.
    Each simply reflects the player’s history.

    When you respect the net, communication becomes connection.

    When you ignore the net, communication becomes combat.

    The Game-Changing Shift: Stop Playing Their Shot, Start Playing Yours

    Before you say anything, ask yourself:

    “Am I jumping over the net?”

    If the answer is yes, stop.
    Take a breath.
    Stay on your side.

    And when your partner jumps the net?

    Don’t hit the ball back.

    Just let it bounce out of bounds.

    You get to choose whether you step into a fight — no one can “make you.”

    This is maturity.
    This is emotional authenticity.
    This is interdependence instead of codependence.

    How to Set Boundaries Without Escalating the Fight

    Here are a few simple, calm statements you can use when your partner jumps the net and tries to argue with your reality or take your inventory.

    1. When they take your inventory (tell you what you should think/feel/do):

    “Thanks for sharing. In the future, would you be willing to ask before giving advice?”

    2. When they assume your reality:

    “I hear that you’ve decided what my reality is. If you’d like to know, I’d be happy to share it.”

    3. When your realities differ:

    “I appreciate hearing your perspective. Can you tell me more about what shaped that view?”

    When you ask this, something beautiful happens.
    You shift from conflict to curiosity.
    You move from distance to intimacy.
    You stop being opponents and become teammates.

    And ultimately, that’s all any of us really want — to be heard, known, and understood.

    Make It Light, Make It Loving

    Once things calm down, you can even make this playful.

    When your partner jumps the net, you can smile, walk over, give them a kiss, and say:

    “Sweetheart… are you enjoying playing tennis for me today?”

    The tension breaks.
    Humor returns.
    Connection is restored.

    Relationships don’t have to feel like war.
    Most of the time, they simply need a new game.

    A Two-Week Challenge to Transform Your Relationship

    For the next two weeks:

    1. Get a journal.

    Each day, write down where you jumped the net and argued with your partners’ reality or took inventory.

    2. Then write the healthier alternative.

    “How could I have played that shot on my side of the court?”

    3. Stay accountable to yourself — not your partner’s behavior.

    Change starts with you modeling emotional maturity for yourself rather than demanding it from them.

    If you do this for even 7–14 days, you’ll see a dramatic shift.

    Less defensiveness.
    More listening.
    More intimacy.
    More calm.
    More connection.

    If You Want Deeper Support, I’m Here to Help

    If you’d like personalized guidance — actual scripts, step-by-step coaching, and tailored tools to help you play “relationship tennis” in a way that brings you closer — you’re welcome to schedule a private one-on-one session with me. Just click the hyperlinked text. No pressure.
    Just an invitation if you’re ready for the next step in your healing and in your relationship.

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • 5 Surprising Ways Pets Can Damage Relationships

    5 Surprising Ways Pets Can Damage Relationships

    We adore our pets — those furry bundles of loyalty, companionship, and unconditional affection. They greet us at the door like we hung the moon. They never criticize our outfit, never roll their eyes, and never forget to be happy to see us.

    But what if your sweet four-legged friend is quietly complicating your romantic relationships?

    In my coaching practice, I’ve seen this pattern over and over — especially with women. It’s not intentional, and it’s certainly not “bad,” but it is real. Today, let’s walk through the five hidden ways your pet may be shaping your relationships — and how to make sure those adorable paws don’t leave footprints on your love life.

    1. When Pets Become the New “Family”

    A recent Pew Research trend reveals a big shift: 57% of women now view their pet as equal to a family member, compared to 43% of men. That’s a huge difference.

    It wasn’t long ago that pets completed the family — after marriage, after kids. But for many women today, the pet is the family.

    You may relate to this:
    You curl up with your pup at night. You talk to your cat about your day. You invest your affection, your time, your emotional connection into the furry one who never lets you down.

    There’s nothing wrong with that — unless it unintentionally becomes a substitute for the connection you truly desire with another adult.

    In many ways, pets are becoming modern-day life partners — and society cheers it on. Commercials portray partners as annoyances while pets are the loyal, loving companions. We’re subtly taught that humans disappoint, but pets? Pets never do.

    It’s a comforting story… but also a limiting one.

    2. When Your Partner Becomes the “Mistress”

    Ever notice how everything revolves around the pet?

    Before you go anywhere:
    “Wait — we have to walk the dog!”
    “Hold on — we need to get home to feed the cat.”

    Spontaneous weekend away? Not without 24 hours’ notice and a pet sitter.
    A romantic overnight detour after a beautiful day trip? Impossible if the dog hasn’t been let out.

    In subtle but consistent ways, the pet becomes the spouse… and the partner becomes the mistress.

    I once worked with a man whose childhood still echoed with his mother’s nightly mantra:
    “Kids, wait — I have to feed the pets first.”

    The message was clear:
    “Your needs come second.”

    Decades later, he dated women who treated him the same way. Not because they were unkind, but because our brains, craving familiarity, unconsciously pull us toward what we know — even when it hurts.

    3. Pets as a Safe Hiding Place From Emotional Intimacy

    Children bond deeply with stuffed animals. Why?
    Because stuffed animals give comfort without demanding anything in return.

    Many adults accidentally recreate this dynamic with their pets.

    A relationship with a pet is a one-way street:
    You give when you want.
    You receive when you need.
    And if you’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed — you can emotionally “check out” without consequence.

    Humans don’t work that way.
    Healthy adult intimacy requires vulnerability, reciprocity, open-hearted communication, and mutual presence.

    So when people feel overwhelmed or afraid of intimacy, the pet becomes the perfect emotional substitute.

    • Sad? Snuggle the dog.
    • Angry? Take the cat for a long cuddle session.
    • Hurt by your partner? Retreat into the pet’s unconditional acceptance.

    It feels comforting. But it may also be keeping you from the deeper connection you deserve.

    4. Pets Can Reinforce Love Avoidance

    Love avoidance stems from childhood environments where a child was engulfed — emotionally smothered, over-relied on, or forced into adult responsibilities far too young.

    For people with this pattern, closeness often feels dangerous.
    Independence feels safe.
    And pets? Pets are the perfect “safe closeness.”

    You can love them without getting overwhelmed.
    They never burden you.
    You choose the distance.

    Unlike humans, pets don’t ask for more.

    Two love-avoidant people together can function beautifully. I once knew a couple like this — devoted animal activists whose home buzzed with the warmth they showered on their pets… while their interactions with each other were calm, factual, and emotionally distant.

    They weren’t unhappy — they were perfectly matched in their avoidance.

    Not all relationships need the same level of intimacy.
    The key is knowing your own.

    5. The Real Question: What Are Your “Pizza Toppings”?

    Imagine relationships like pizza.

    Some people are meat lovers.
    Some are veggie lovers.
    Some are “don’t you dare put olives anywhere near my slice.”

    There’s no right or wrong — just preference.

    Pets work the same way.

    Some people want a house full of animals.
    Some want none.
    Some like a balanced life where a partner comes first and a pet fits in harmoniously.

    Your job isn’t to judge anyone’s toppings — it’s to understand your own.

    • Do you need deep emotional closeness?
    • Do you prefer more independence?
    • Do you enjoy being someone’s primary emotional connection… or does that overwhelm you?
    • Do you want the pet to be part of the family — or the center of the universe?

    Once you know your toppings, you can choose a partner whose pizza blends beautifully with yours.

    Bringing It All Together

    Pets are wonderful.
    They bring joy, healing, and companionship.
    They’re not “the problem.”

    The issue isn’t the pet — it’s the unconscious emotional patterns that determine whether the pet becomes a complement to your relationship… or a quiet barrier to intimacy.

    Awareness is powerful.
    Once you see what’s happening, you can choose differently.
    You can create a partnership where both your pet and your person have a place in your heart — without competition, confusion, or resentment.

    And that, ultimately, is the journey to healthier love.

    Want to Explore This More Deeply?

    If something in this article sparked an insight — maybe a shift, a realization, or even an uncomfortable “wow… that might be me” — you don’t have to navigate it alone.

    If you’re curious, I invite you to explore the possibility of booking a private coaching session. No pressure — just an open door if you’re ready for deeper clarity, healing, and empowerment.

    Your best relationship is waiting. Let’s help you build the pizza you truly want. 🍕✨

    To watch the video and learn more click here: