cms.kennyweiss.net

Category: Codependence

  • What Is Enmeshment?

    What Is Enmeshment?

    Welcome back! Today we are talking about enmeshment: what is it? It’s not something most people are aware of – perhaps you’ve never even heard the term.

    So let’s dive right into it.

    Enmeshment is a parenting style that’s mischaracterized as loving and loyal. In reality, there are elements of psychological and emotional incest in enmeshment.

    This gets perpetrated through the behaviors and communication styles of the parents, as well as actions. It’s similar to codependence, but there are some key distinctions.

    In an enmeshed dynamic, the parent uses the child for intimacy, companionship, romantic attachment, advice, ego fulfillment, and/or emotional release.

    The key is the parents are completely unaware they’re doing this. They are also completely unaware that they struggle with unmet emotional and psychological needs, broken from their own childhood trauma.

    Society and media have not educated us on what healthy parenting looks like – it’s not the parents’ fault. We aren’t blaming; they just didn’t know. If you find in this article yourself or your family, don’t beat yourself up. It’s widespread. Give yourself grace but take ownership.

    It will allow yourself to heal.

    These parents do not see the harm they are imposing. Many see themselves as wholly devoted and self-sacrificing in their child’s best interest.

    They don’t realize they’re using their child to satisfy their own needs. This happens most commonly in single-parent households and in households where the partners aren’t getting along.

    Let’s move on to some of the characteristics:

    I’ve zoomed in on 17 of the most prevalent traits with examples. First, I encourage everyone to get a copy of The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Dr. Patricia Love.

    Don’t shy away from the title – there is excellent information in that book so tackle it.

    1. Over-involved parents. Their lives center around their children even into adulthood. They feel lost and lonely if their children are gone.
    2. They will lament when the child grows up – they are losing the romantic connection they developed.
    3. Parents who have few friends and/or little support.
    4. Parents who know too much about their child’s personal relationships, activities, and problems.
    5. They demand to be included. A prime example is a mother I know who spent the first week with her daughter at her college! That’s severe enmeshment.
    6. Parents who share too much personal information create feelings of unhealthy dependence. This happens most commonly when they lament to the child about their spouse or ex.

    Children are not developed enough to handle all of that emotion

    1. It’s very abusive. When I was little, my mom once told me she “took me for granted.”
    2. That’s the first memory I have of my mom enmeshing with me, where I felt a massive responsibility towards her.
    3. Parents whose self-worth depends on the child’s success and accomplishments.
    4. This is the classic screaming parent at the little league game. Sometimes they are trying to realize their unmade dreams through the child.
    5. This ties significantly with the recent college admissions scandal – horrific abuse. My father used to say to me.
    6. “you’re the easiest of all the kids.” The book mentioned above details a comment that it is an “unconscious device” meant to relieve the parent from the “burden of parenting.” Underneath is an ultimatum.
    7. The parent isn’t able to handle the needs of the child. Dr. Love also details these phrases to bolster the parent’s ego – it makes them feel like they are a good parent and thus a good person.

    Parents who don’t encourage them to follow their own dreams and impose their goals onto the child.

    1. They pick the activities, schools, careers, friends, all of it. They subtly or directly criticize a child’s independence. “Why do you want to live there? It’s so far from us.” Or “Fine, go out. I’ll be fine by myself.”
    2. There’s a subtle bind to keep the child there. Children owe us nothing .
    3. we chose to have children. Enmeshed parents think their children owe them something – they don’t. Our job is to create an emotional environment to let them become what they want, not what we want.
    4. Parents who expect their children to still follow their rules, even into adulthood, accept their morals and values.

    How many secrets do you have from your parents because you know they won’t approve?

    1. You’re sacrificing your own belief system to make your parents happy.
    2. Parents that shun the child if they don’t be and do what they want.
    3. Incessantly worried parents. They’re always worried their child will get hurt, not letting them do anything.
    4. Frequently, the parent is scared, and yet the child is excited! Nothing terrible will happen in most instances
    5. Allowing the child to get a scraped knee and learn from the experience is far better than acting out of parental fear.
    6. Parents spoil their children or take care of them financially. I have a client with a horrific case of abuse
    7. This woman came to me in her late 20s has not had a real job. She would rack up huge bar bills, and her mom would pay for all of it, no questions asked.

    Mom was an alcoholic and needed someone to drink with .

    1. Bad habits were OK. If my client tried any self-care like a yoga class, the mom would threaten to cut her off. She used finances to keep her daughter close to her.
    2. Thankfully this woman has made incredible progress, and remember you always can too.
    3. Parents react with anger if their adult child tries to set limits or boundaries of any kind. Parents who respond angrily to this article would be a prime example.
    4. An opposite-sex parent criticizes their child’s partner or competes with the partner for love.
    5. They’ll do anything to prevent you from feeling closeness with your partner. They’ve made you a surrogate spouse .
    6. my mother did this to me, wanting me to be her emotional support system. My mother also sexualized our relationship . she’d comment on how I look, say I was “gorgeous,” and it was said with lust. This is covert sexual abuse. She never touched me physically, but my mom’s comments and looks were indirectly sexual, which is still abusive.

    People who feel each other’s emotions.

    1. This is the classic “empath.” That’s just a new buzzword – it really means the person has no boundaries, is severely codependent, and enmeshes quickly.
    2. They can be happy, but if someone negative or in pain comes around, they immediately drop. This could be a child to parent or vice versa.
    3. Usually, it’s the child becoming the parent’s emotion. This creates the “empath.” That used to be me! It took massive work to stop doing it .
    4. it’s not healthy. Genuine empathy is excellent, but it doesn’t mean we get sucked in. We shouldn’t lose ourselves. We must heal from our abuse to grow from this.
    5. Genuine empathy has boundaries – We don’t become, absorb or take on the sadness and pain of others.
    6. Parents that expect the adult child to call them daily or frequently visit.
    7. They’ll expect the child to drop their plans and revolve around the parent. If the child doesn’t, the martyr will come out of the parent.
    8. Parents that make the child the scapegoat or conversely make the child the “golden” child. Sometimes it’s both .

    you may be in limbo and never know which it truly is.

    1. Neglectful parents. This happens in single-parent households when parents need to work and aren’t there. Or the parents have an addiction, and the children are left alone. It forces the child to become an adult far earlier than expected.
    2. Parents that sexualize their children, like the example I gave earlier. Unfortunately, I see this happen a lot – “Daddy’s little girl” and “Mommy’s little boy” is an unhealthy romantic dynamic.

    I could go through hundreds of more traits – there are so many more. I implore you, if you feel you have gone through these or are doing these things, please read the book mentioned above by Dr. Love.

    You will learn much about yourself and perhaps why you are struggling in relationships. Every parent does a level of this to their child . we all can know. Part of the recovery process is to gain knowledge to develop skills that become tools.

    I believe if you are reading this, you want to love your child as best you can. Unfortunately, we haven’t been taught the most loving ways, but we can learn now.

    If you believe you experienced this type of parenting and want to gain the knowledge, skills, and tools to heal your codependence, I have created masterclasses that will empower you to do so.

    Enjoy The Journey!

    Kenny Weiss

    Learn more here:

     

    Learn More

    CLICK THE IMAGE TO LEARN MORE
  • How To Ask For Your Needs & Wants | Codependence Recovery

    How To Ask For Your Needs & Wants | Codependence Recovery

    Welcome back! This is a continuation of a three-part series on codependence recovery . The first is on determining our morals and values.

    Today I am showing the difference between a need and a want and the five main ways codependent people cannot meet their needs and wants.

    Finally, I’ll end with some questions to ask yourself to begin identifying and meeting your own needs and wants.

    What’s the difference between a need and want?

    Needs are things that must be fulfilled for us to survive. I’ve identified five: food, clothing, shelter, intimacy + connection (including all types of intimacy like physical and spiritual), and money (or some sort of income).

    Wants are different: they bring us joy! There are little wants (like candy or a drink) and big wants (like a house or big trip).

    This leads us into the five main ways codependent people don’t meet their needs and wants:

    1. They pursue their wants over their needs. That pursuit sacrifices their ability to meet their needs. They will go on a nice trip which sacrifices food or rent.
    2. Because of such deprivation as a child when their basic needs weren’t met (primarily emotional needs), they were so deprived they didn’t experience joy.
    3. There’s such an abandonment hole they search for any sense of feeling to feel better. They end up putting themselves in continued deprivation.
    4. They pursue meeting other people’s needs and wants over their own. They may volunteer, but their house is in complete disarray.
    5. They make dinner for a sick friend but not their family. They may ignore their own health conditions.
    6. They work well below their capabilities or work in jobs they don’t like. As a result, they are not meeting their need to take care of themselves financially.
    7. Because of neglect in childhood, they fear intimacy.
    8. As a result, they don’t know how to ask for their intellectual, spiritual, and emotional connection needs.so they create fights. It’s their representation of connection even though it’s truly disconnection.

    They don’t seek medical care, but they demand others receive care.

    1. This leads me into a story about Lou Gehrig, a famous baseball player. He played some 2100 games without missing one game.
    2. He had 13 or so fractures in his hand during that time. A rookie on his team got the flu one day, and Lou demanded he not play.
    3. Lou took him to his mother’s house and helped nurse him to health. This is what causes ALS and Lou Gehrig’s disease: the inability to care for yourself.
    4. These people “give” so much their bodies can no longer support themselves.

    What does this look like in real life?

    For example, one of my clients came in and told me she ran out of toilet paper and couldn’t bring herself to get a new roll from the closet and put it on the roll. So instead.

    she would use a different bathroom in her house. She didn’t feel she was worthy of changing and meeting her basic need to take care of herself.

    That’s how devastating this can become.

    An antidote from my life: I once starved myself. I was young and reaching into the fridge to get cottage cheese. As I reached in, my mom screamed at me that it was for the dogs.

    I wanted her approval, so I put it back. My mom meant she used the cottage cheese to hide the pills when the dogs were sick. What I heard was. “If you eat, I don’t love you. If you eat, you’re in trouble. And finally, we feed the dogs before we feed the kids”

    . Did my mom actually say any of this?

    Of course not. This is what I mean when I repeatedly say that we’ve all been through abusive parenting. No one taught my mother that needed further explanation.

    To keep me safe, the resolution I came up with was not to eat. I was playing professional hockey, eating hardly anything.

    The false defense mechanism I made was telling myself eating “bores” me.

    Until I started the healing work, I had no idea how my saying I did not like to eat was so out of reality.

    Second story:

    joy. I had no joy in my childhood, so I didn’t know how to experience it.

    When I was playing hockey, my team took a trip to Czechoslovakia, Sweden, and Finland. On the days off we went sightseeing.

    I have a stack of pictures of all the team pictures and the photos my friends took. I am the only person missing in all the photos.

    I would stay on the bus. I didn’t look at any of it. I didn’t know how to meet my need and want for joy.

    I left the bus twice: once to walk across the street and peer into a museum window and once to get something to eat. Not being able to experience joy is extremely common for someone who struggles with codependence.

    Here are the questions I encourage you to ask yourself:

    1. Am I meeting my needs and wants?
    2. ? If not, what plan can I put into place to do so?
    3. How am I meeting everyone else’s needs and wants? Make a list and begin doing those things for yourself. You’ll know you’re doing it right if you feel guilty or selfish. That means you’ve probably moved into moderation. If you feel selfish, arrogant, and shameful. At the most, you’re probably moderate.
    4. What are the little wants you have? Please make a list and put a plan into place as long as they don’t sacrifice your needs.
    5. What are the big wants you have?  Please make a list and put a plan into place as long as they don’t sacrifice your needs.

    Finally, falsely empowered codependent people (on the other side of the spectrum) need to stop doing everything for themselves and begin asking for help. They’re anti-dependent people – I’ve done videos and articles on the falsely empowered codependent, and I encourage you to check them out. For the falsely empowered person, they’ll know they’re doing it right when they feel weak, vulnerable, whiny, and insecure. In reality, they probably moved a little towards moderation.

    I hope this helps you – check out my other videos and articles to continue on the recovery journey.

    I have created a masterclass that will provide you with the knowledge, skills, and tools to heal your codependence for those ready to conquer codependence.

    Enjoy The Journey!

    Kenny Weiss

    Check It Out!

    CLICK THE IMAGE TO LEARN MORE
  • The Signs Of Enmeshment

    The Signs Of Enmeshment

    In this article, I’m talking about the signs and characteristics of enmehttp://kennyweiss.net/what-is-enmeshment-2/shment. I’ve spoken about what it is (because many people are unaware). Breaking down the differences between enmeshment and codependence in previous articles and videos. I encourage you to check out those videos.

    But now we are getting into how it shows up in your life.

    When we learn new things about ourselves, it can be not easy – especially if we were enmeshed. The general reaction is shame or low self-worth.

    If the feeling of shame hits you, I’ll use the old metaphor of a grape becoming wine to give you hope – I want you to hold onto something.

    Think of a grape. On its own, it’s perfect. Great color, shape, and taste.

    Perfectly imperfect, just how it is. How does it become wine? First, it must be crushed, pulverized, and completely disintegrated. Each grape experiences this process together. They are sharing in that process.

    Then they are fermented and allowed to sit and rest before they mature into wine.

    That’s all of us. We are all born perfect like a grape, nothing wrong with us. But life and parenting crush us. There’s only one way to reclaim ourselves:

    that crushing and pulverization. To become wine, first, we have to understand what happened to us with others. Then, like wine.

    we must gain additives (skills and tools) to turn ourselves into our potential. We then need a period of rest where we navigate the change and new knowledge.

    That is how it all comes together to form our best version. That is the recovery process that we must all go through. Please keep this metaphor in mind as I go through the signs of enmeshment, as they may be difficult to hear.

    Here are the signs of enmeshment:

    1. They’re driven to save as many people as they can, even if it’s just one.
      They have the impression that they require assistance from a third party.
      They are disconnected from reality. what they think and feel about themselves is not right. Often this comes in the form of being overly nice (see below).
    2. They are overly nice. The way they are nice is incredibly manipulative and meant to get attention .
    3. It is not freely given, but they are not aware of this truth. For an enmeshed person, a simple “thank you” is not enough; it feels rude.
    4. Often, they have to get the last word in. They don’t understand that constant niceness is not genuine.
    5. They have a history of dysfunctional and chaotic relationships.
    6. Divorce, narcissists, abusers are common in their history. They have general disarray and chaos in their life.

    While in a relationship,

      1. They lack friends and activities. Except when they’re with their partner, parent, or child, they’re all by themselves. They try to find methods to connect.
        There is no stopping them from thinking of each other.. There is no freedom.
        When their partner is sad, they can’t feel happy. They don’t have any limits. They can’t keep their tempers in check and can’t feel real empathy.
        Instead of understanding, they feel the same way.
        In relationships, they hold in their anger and sadness. They can’t speak up to say what they need and what they want.

      Often they silently resent the other person. Sometimes they are needless and wantless because that was the role they were placed in during childhood.

    3. They can’t say no or set boundaries. However, I have an article and video on how to say no – if you struggle with this, please check it out.
    4. They have constant health problems. Enmeshed people get their power back by becoming sick or hurt. Headaches, autoimmune disease, and arthritis are some common illnesses that are self-inflicted .
    5. The science behind it is overwhelming. Genes do not mean you are guaranteed to have an ailment; a gene requires a specific environment to be activated.
    6. The emotional turmoil in a person’s life is the most common activator. I experienced the veracity of this myself. Growing up.
    7. I had no health issues. After I found my mom passed out naked on the toilet, I was in and out of hospitals all of high school.

    They could never find out what was wrong.

    1. Finally, I discovered it was all self-induced. If I were sick or hurt, my mom would stay sober to take care of me. That’s what most everyone who is constantly sick or hurt is doing.
    2. Check out the book When the Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Mate – it lays out the studies and science showing our emotional condition determine our health.
    3. Sadly, our doctors aren’t taught about emotional trauma.
    4. They give pills to fix anything and everything. Healing needs to be all-inclusive with mind and body. I’ll end this point with an example: there’s less than a 3% difference between an antidepressant and the placebo pill.
    5. Your belief in the system gives you the benefit. And pharma companies are trying to get rid of these tests. We have been robbed of the root solution.

    They avoid intimacy and connection in relationships.

    1. They tend to feel smothered when asked for intimacy or help. Showing any sign of care could make them uncomfortable.
    2. As a result, they don’t want to have deep discussions, and they run away from arguments.
    3. They are afraid to support their partner for fear they may alienate their parents.
    4. So they’ll cancel plans for their parents.
    5. In my first marriage, everything was run by my ex-wife’s parents. We had to get their approval for everything. So you become a prisoner to their parents.
    6. They have addictions, especially to food.
    7. It makes me sad to see society normalize obesity. It’s a maladaptive excuse to avoid unaddressed pain.
    8. For an average person: it takes 1500 calories to feed us. Everything we eat after that is from emotion.
    9. Diets don’t work.
    10. The single greatest determinate of your weight is your emotional condition .
    11. This has been shown in many studies. We overeat because we are in emotional pain. Other addictions are familiar too: alcohol, tobacco, working, sex.

    They use it all to medicate.

    1. A healthy adult is moderate and doesn’t live at the extreme – enmeshed people do.
    2. They have a fear of conflict and being abandoned
    3. . Therefore, the enmeshed avoid fights to avoid being left alone.
    4. If their partner has ambitions or goals that are unrelated to them, they may feel intimidated.
      If you don’t stay with them, they’ll play the martyr and demand that you focus on them.
      They want to be in charge. They aren’t only a dictatorship. But they feel responsible for everyone and everything. They blame themselves for everything or sometimes take no responsibility at all.
    5. Their will has become disabled from childhood. Over-owning a situation is an attempt to gain control.

    The following traits will be specific to an empath.

    Having the ability to connect is great but being an empath goes too far. They become far too consumed with others. People will wear it as a badge of courage.

    A healthy adult has empathy where they relate but do not become the situation. Being an empath is destructive, invasive, and a sign of dysfunction.

    They lose themselves and cannot stay contained.

    1. Other people instantly or easily shift their emotions.
    2. They feel guilt, shame, or anxiety. The empath cannot do something for themselves without feeling guilty.They don’t understand the concept of a healthy boundary.
      As a result, individuals typically end up with narcissists or abusers since they don’t feel like they have a say in their lives.
      Their identity is unknown to them. It’s a wonder what they think, like, and don’t like.
    3. As a result, they have difficulty making decisions. That’s why they may have poor relationships or careers.
    4. They personalize. The empath makes everything about themselves and turns everything into criticism (even though it may not have been about them). As a result, they quite often feel attacked about everything.

    I hit on what I believe to be the most prevalent signs that will resonate with you all. Additionally, I urge you to read When the Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Mate if you would like to learn more about the connection between emotions and our health and The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Dr. Patricia Love to help you further understand the inner workings of enmeshment.

    I hope you will start on the journey of recovery. Be one of the grapes to jump in the circle and join others.

    If you are looking to begin your journey to heal enmeshment, my masterclasses will provide you with the knowledge, skills, and tools to do just that!

    The Greatness University
    Learn how to master your emotions and become the greatest version of yourself!
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

    If you prefer audible, this is for YOU!

    The Complete Emotional Authenticity AUDIBLE Journey!
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

  • How To Determine Our Negotiable’s And Non-negotiable’s

    How To Determine Our Negotiable’s And Non-negotiable’s

    Today I’m talking about the importance and differences between negotiable’s and non-negotiable’s when it comes to codependence recovery.

    The first thing to recognize is that

    we must know our morals and values to know our negotiable and non-negotiable’s. I’ve done videos and have articles on those, so please check them out.

    If we don’t have a North Star and know what we value: how do we know if something is negotiable in our life or not? It would help if you navigated that path first.

    What is a negotiable?

    It’s something you’re willing to compromise. While we may have a strong opinion on something, another person’s beliefs can move us. It may not be perfect.

    But it doesn’t go against our morals and values. It doesn’t go against our belief system. It may be in the gray area.

    What are some examples of negotiable’s?

    In a relationship, maybe you’re not as concerned with how clean your partner keeps the house. Or maybe how often someone drinks .

    It may not matter much to you. Or foods they like or table manners or activities.

    There’s an amount you’re willing to accept. This framework could apply to other aspects of your life, like your career.

    How do you determine a non-negotiable?

    That’s something that flat-out goes against your values (or your belief system). You won’t sacrifice your beliefs. An example for me is alcohol. I’m a recovering alcoholic .

    someone wanting a drink once a week is negotiable for me. Beyond that? Non-negotiable. Any drug is a non-negotiable for me. I want someone fully present.

    Bear in mind: this doesn’t make me right! It’s just mine, and you get to have yours. Yours could be the opposite – that’s what I want you to look at so you can honor it.

    If we allow any non-negotiable behavior and get upset, we are angry at ourselves and not the other person. Going against our non-negotiable’s is what messes people up in relationships.

    Most people have not sat and looked at their morals, values, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s. As a result, they end up in relationships with people they shouldn’t.

    Because of codependence,

    we will blame the other person when they engage in non-negotiable actions . Most of the time, the behaviors were there from the outset.

    We often get caught up in an immature way of selecting people, and we end up married to someone with five non-negotiable things.

    That’s not their fault. It’s ours. Many say, “well, I didn’t know!” Most people do not sit down and discuss their morals and values with their partner – but we need to.

    And most people will see signs early on but refuse to own it – that’s codependence. No one gets in our life unless we allow it.

    Codependent people almost always allow people, places, and things into their lives that go against what they believe.

    They are responsible for that, yet they project the blame onto others. They need to start taking ownership of that and do these exercises to change it and regain themselves.

    What’s the process to figure out your negotiable’s and non-negotiable’s?

    To start, make two lists. On one side, put “negotiable” and on the other “non-negotiable.”

    Next, list virtually every aspect of life. What are your morals and values? And which are negotiable and non-negotiable? I’ve talked about drugs and alcohol:

    where do you sit with those things? Politics, religion, relationships, intimacy, communication (and forms thereof), parenting, careers, friends, hobbies, etc., should all be on there. Every area of life.

    By employing this process, we begin healing codependence, having relationships we want, and achieving our life goals. Conversely, if we skip this process, we have no shot.

    WOULD YOU LIKE TO Conquer Codependence and achieve Lasting Love and Connection,

    My new masterclasses will provide you with the knowledge, skills, and tools to do just that.

    Greatness U
    Guiding You To Be The Greatest Version of Yourself!
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

    SEE THE FULL LIST OF MASTERCLASSES

    . .
    .

    ALL MASTERCLASSES ALSO AVAILABLE IN AUDIBLE

  • How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

    How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

    Today we’re breaking down the 5 step process so you can start saying no without feeling guilty – this is going to include two magic phrases that work every time. I am also going to talk about why we feel guilty for saying no.

    First, let’s start with the 5 step process.

    1. Make a list of all the people, places, and things you have a hard time saying no to. Then, rank them from easiest to hardest. For most of us, the toughest will be mom, dad, or family members! But we will not take them on from day one – we will worry about them later. So instead, I encourage you to start with an easier one.
    2. In step two, we want to lay out our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiables and non-negotiables. This step is critical. We want to do this for every area of our life: relationships, friends, as a parent, hobbies, career, all of it. Unfortunately, most people skip this step, which causes them to say yes to things that go against themselves. Sadly, if we haven’t done this step, we get stuck on whether to say yes or no to something.
    3. Now, when the request comes in, start with magic phrase number 1:

    “let me think about that, and I’ll get back to you.”

    The magic phrase allows us to create space, so we don’t get overrun by that guilt. It also gives us the freedom to ask ourselves if it fits our morals and values. It buys us time! Do this for every request you get the next week, even if you know it’s something you could immediately agree with. We want to practice using the magic phrase.

    4.    In step four, we want to ask ourselves four questions:

    Will I keep score? Am I tallying up what I’m doing for this person? If yes, I need to say no.

    Will I bring this up in the future? If yes, I need to say no.

    Will I harbor resentment if I do this for them? If yes, I need to say no.

    Imagine how a relationship ends: we end up listing everything we did for the other person and what we didn’t get in return. The other person isn’t to blame here – we went against ourselves because we never laid these steps out. We’re saying yes to things we don’t want to – and we are responsible for that. The movies and media teach us that if we love someone, we do everything for them, that we must say yes to everything. But that is not loving. If we have resentment and bring these up in the future, we weren’t saying yes from a loving place. We were after manipulation because we wanted something in return. Not because we are bad people, but because we have been taught this lie.

    The fourth question in step four that we need to ask ourselves is:

    Do I have the reserves? Just because we have been asked to do something we love doesn’t mean we have the energy for it at all times.

    Now that we have asked the four questions and decided to say no, we hit the final roadblock: most people hate saying “no.” And most people hate hearing it. Why? It feels like an attack.

    Growing up, we heard it so much from our parents, and they said no in such a way that it felt as though something was wrong with us. That’s why people tend to have a severe reaction to the word.

    5. It is now time for magic phrase number 2:

    “I thought about it, and this just doesn’t work for me.”

    The magic in this phrase comes alive because it is all about ourselves, so they don’t feel attacked. And they can’t argue with you. It’s over. There’s no talking you into it. So we never have to justify our no.

    Plus – you’re an adult. There’s no reason for you to justify your choices anymore, like when you were a child. Ultimately, if someone truly loves you, they won’t try to challenge you. People that question you don’t have your heart in mind. I’m not saying they don’t love and care about you – just that if they question you, their love and care are dysfunctional. They aren’t supportive and are more concerned with their need being met – that’s the hallmark of codependence.

    Some of you may use these steps and still feel guilty. So how do you stop it? Let’s talk about it.

    There are two main reasons why we feel guilty. First, instead of guilt, you may be feeling shame. Some people were sent the message they didn’t have value unless they were doing things for others. They were either told directly or indirectly that they have no worth. This left them with a deep shame core.

    The second is co-dependency. If we’re doing this out of a sense of guilt and obligation, we’re doing it to meet someone else’s needs. And their request is to meet their own needs – it’s not about you. We are raised with a standard that it’s our job to take care of others before ourselves. We can’t do that. We can only truly love someone by loving ourselves first – we can’t give away what we don’t have.

    How do we heal this? I’ve done two videos that can help: How to Heal From Your Past (this will help you work through your shame core) and

    (this will help with codependence). They’ll give you the knowledge to develop into a skill that becomes a tool to conquer both shame and codependence,

    If you are looking to gain the knowledge, skills, and tools to

    Say No with Ease,

    you might want to check out my new masterclasses?

    How To Put An End To People Pleasing
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

    If you prefer AUDIBLE, this is perfect for you.

    How To Put An End To People Pleasing  (Audio ONLY)
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

  • How To Set Boundaries

    How To Set Boundaries

    WLearning how to create boundaries for yourself is essential to heal codependence, develop true intimacy and connection in our relationships, and live content, peaceful, happy lives.

    The Two Types of Boundary Systems

    • external boundary system (physical): Our external boundary consists of how close we allow somebody to get to us and whether we allow sexual intimacy.
    • Internal boundary system (emotions): The internal boundary consists of our thoughts, feelings, and actions, and how to express them moderately and allow somebody else to express their thoughts, feelings, and actions without losing containment of our emotional and intellectual condition even when the other person is not healthy and moderate.

    How to create and protect external physical boundaries

    Physical boundaries revolve around hugs, personal touches, and personal belongings.

    If you want to set a physical boundary around your belongings, you might say to someone: “My personal belongings are off-limits. If you’d like to investigate those things, please ask my permission.”

    Sometimes we feel bad or guilty and want to withdraw our boundaries, but remember that those feelings of guilt are a sign of codependence. You’re giving yourself away, going against yourself, and letting those feelings influence you to drop your boundaries.

    When it comes to physical intimacy, we get to decide who, what, when, where, and how we are physically intimate. The best way to do this before we enter a situation where we are unsure about our boundaries is to make a plan ahead of time in our minds and ask ourselves, “What are my boundaries around this person or situation?” and then when you are with that person you can say, “This is how I view this, and this is when it’s okay for me, what are your thoughts?”

    It may be too early in the relationship to express that, but you want a plan in place until that time comes so that if somebody’s going to be more aggressive about it, you know exactly what to say and exactly what to do.

    How to create and protect internal emotional boundaries

    The best way to protect ourselves emotionally is to create a forcefield around our hearts and who we are. For instance, a common way to do this is to imagine a castle with a drawbridge where we are in control of who gets across and doesn’t get across the bridge, and we are safe in the castle where we have a way not to catch other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions that come towards us. Others have used the idea of a glass jar dropping over top of themselves with a door that only they can open from the inside. This allows them to control what thoughts and feeligns to allow in and which ones they want to let bounce off.

    We always get to decide if we let any of someone else’s emotions in.

    If we ever hear someone say, “Well, you made me feel,” that’s a sign of co-dependence. While nobody can ever make us feel anything because we decide if we will take on their reality and their belief about us or the situation. If someone else’s stuff gets in, that’s our responsibility. We have lost our boundaries and it is our job to fix that. We can negate it if we choose, so the castle or glass jar are important visualizations to protect us.

    When we learn how to navigate emotional intimacy boundaries with someone, the best example is imagining pedals in a car. While, if you’re on a first date, and you speed up to 5, 8, 10 miles an hour telling about your past, watch what they do.

    Do they back off?

    Do they shut down?

    Maybe it’s a bit too much.

    Or maybe they join you.

    Then the dynamic moves into, “Oh, we have mutual emotional boundaries. We’re working on this together. We’re staying moderate. Working as a team here.”

    When you’re sharing your emotional intimacy, think of gas pedals and protecting yourself. If you feel safe and protected, keep accelerating. So, if you don’t feel safe and protected, then back off and protect yourself.

    Enjoy The Journey ??

    If you’d like to deep dive deeper, you can check out the video below.

    I also recommend reading Pia Mellody’s book Facing Codependence. You can read my Book Summary and purchase it here.

    CLICK THE IMAGE TO LEARN MORE

    Are You Tired of Being in a Toxic Relationship?

    You’re not alone. Millions of people are stuck in codependent relationships that make them feel bad about themselves and don’t know how to break free. We’ve all been there.

    Or maybe you find yourself always attracted to someone who is not good for you, and the cycle starts again.

    But it doesn’t have to be this way! There is hope! We will help you find your way out of the darkness and into the light.

    If you are single, you deserve better than being stuck in a cycle of narcissistic abuse or neglect. You deserve love and kindness! Don’t let another day go by where someone else controls your happiness or self-worth. Take control today with this course and start living life on your terms again! Save yourself from heartache and take back control of your life with this course!

    If you have a partner, it’s time to take back control of your life. Also start learning how to save and resurrect a toxic, broken, codependent relationship. For instance, fill it with love, safety, affection, kindness, understanding, intimacy, and mutual connection. Start living the romantic life you deserve by breaking free from your toxic codependent relationship patterns today.

    It doesn’t have to be like this forever – we want to show you how it could be different for you now. All it takes is one step at a time…and we’ll walk with you every step of the way on your journey to the loving relationship you deserve.

    The sooner you take action, the sooner your life will get back on track. So, join our community and learn how to heal yourself from codependence so that you can find happiness again.

    You are worth it!

    Sign up NOW!

    How To Break Free From Toxic Relationship Patterns

     

  • How to Cope with Emotionally Shut Down Men

    How to Cope with Emotionally Shut Down Men

    Many women find themselves frustrated while in a relationship with an emotionally shut-down man, and they want to try and change them or fix them. But, unfortunately, this causes distance in relationships, and neither side gets their needs met.

    When we understand why men shut off their emotions and why it isn’t the woman’s job to fix them, we can set both sides free from the codependent dance.

    Why do men shut off their emotions?

    There are two reasons why men shut off their emotions:

    1. Society created this dynamic
    2. Enmeshment in childhood

    Because the parent created this dynamic and normalized it in childhood, we continue to perpetuate it as a society into adulthood.

    How does childhood contribute to the creation of emotionally shut down men?

    For centuries, we have perpetuated the stereotype and dynamic that men need to be intense, cold, aloof, and not cry. Therefore, we have a society of men who believe that sharing their emotions would make them look weak, so they shut them off.

    It is a paradox because many women tend to find this cold, confident, masculine man attractive, so society reinforces this dynamic, even though, in reality, many women get frustrated when their partners are closed off from them emotionally.

    How can men turn on their emotions?

    The good news is, men are not permanently emotionless. Due to the discoveries on neuroplasticity, we now know that we can change the brain and adapt to become whatever we want. DNA and genes vary based on emotions. That means the emotional condition can shift the DNA, and the possibility is there to transform men into the emotionally available partners in relationships that women are desperately seeking.

    How does enmeshment create emotionally closed-off men?

    Many emotionally avoidant men grew up in a home where they enmeshed with their mother or father (or sometimes both). We can think of enmeshment as an umbilical cord that goes in the opposite direction. Instead of the parent feeding the child emotionally, the parent requires them to meet their emotional needs.

    This type of parenting leaves the child emotionally drained and fearful of connection as an adult. A typical example of this is a parent who makes their child their best friend or is the helicopter ‘rescuer’ type of parent who always swoops in to clean up the mess the child makes, even in adulthood.

    Due to enmeshment, when men are in a relationship with a woman and the woman wants to get close, it’s terrifying because the man has the same familiar feelings from childhood, “Oh no, I’ve already had the life sucked out of me, I can’t let this happen again.”

    To men who suffered enmeshment, intimacy seems incredibly terrifying because they had to spend their entire childhood making one or both parents feel better. Naturally, therefore, they have a fear of getting close to anyone and going through that same experience.

    Why do women try to change emotionally avoidant men?

    Commonly, women find themselves in a codependent mindset when they want to change them. Statements such as, “But I care about them so much, I just want him to open up. I know they have a great heart” are evidence of their codependence.

    The issue with what the woman is asking for is that it starts with “I.” “I want to help them.”. The woman’s desire to help, in this case, is a need to meet their own needs through the man. It is the man’s job to address these topics on his own. Therefore, it is a backdoor manipulation to get what they want.

    In a non-codependent dynamic, a man gets to choose whether or not he opens up emotionally; it’s not the women’s job to try and change him. They get to live the way they choose.

    Without awareness, women will not see how it’s less than loving to approach someone in a relationship and try and change them, but they can work on their role in the relationship with understanding. The key to freedom is for her to focus on codependence recovery.

    How women can learn to meet their own needs

    The first step in learning to meet our needs in a relationship is to stop blaming others and recognize our job to meet our needs and not the other person’s responsibility. To end the blame, we have to come to terms with the truth that we chose this person and allowed them into our life. They were this way from the beginning, and they showed us who they are, and we accepted it. It’s possible that the man may have been more open at the beginning of the relationship and then started to shut down later on, but that’s because of enmeshment – the closer a woman tries to get to them in a relationship, the more they will withdraw.

    If our relationship lacks connection, it’s a good idea to sit down and think about or write about why we picked someone who isn’t available for an emotional connection.

    Learning how to ask for needs and wants in a relationship

    When we are in a codependent dynamic, it’s common to not ask for our needs and wants and think that the other person is a mind reader. When we get silent and say to ourselves, “Well, he should just know.” It’s impossible for another person to know our needs and wants, especially if we don’t know them ourselves.

    Asking for our needs and wants is the first step in moving out of a codependent dynamic. The second piece of that is understanding that it’s not the other person’s job to meet our needs and wants. They get to say no. Asking doesn’t always mean receiving.

    We should always have a backup plan for our needs and wants; for those occasions, our partner says, No! A backup plan can include:

    • Going to a support group.
    • Meeting up with friends for lunch.
    • Calling someone to connect.

    We can celebrate that our partner cannot always meet our need for connection. Whatever our other requirements may be at the time.

    When we need that intimacy and connection, we meet the need ourselves.

    Determining negotiables and non-negotiables in a relationship

    When we are in a relationship, it’s our responsibility to determine what is negotiable or non-negotiable for us and not try and change the other. Suppose we find ourselves frustrated that we are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man? In that case, we can ask ourselves if that part of their personality is negotiable or non-negotiable for us?

    For example, they may be capable of many other things that align with our needs and wants? But, if being in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable is non-negotiable – then we get an opportunity to decide to look for a new relationship.

    Conclusion

    When we find ourselves in a relationship with emotionally unavailable people, we have to ask ourselves what it is about someone emotionally unavailable that we want in our lives? What is the relationship reflecting about ourselves?

    How can we meet our own needs and wants instead of expecting someone who isn’t emotionally available to do it for us? And, if that’s the case, we also get to decide if being with someone emotionally unavailable is negotiable or non-negotiable for us.

    If you’d like to learn more, you can deep dive with my YouTube video ‘How to Cope with Emotionally Shut Down Men’:

    CLICK THE IMAGE TO LEARN MORE

    Are You Ready to Live The Life of Your Dreams?

     

    You deserve the life of your dreams. And now, with this course, you can have it.

    In this class, you will discover why Emotional Authenticity is the most crucial tool you MUST have to achieve your dreams and why our emotions determine our outcomes and not our thoughts. Finally, how Emotional Authenticity stops the sabotaging nature of the brain.

    You will heal and release old feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, emptiness. Transform them into happiness, joy, excitement, and empowerment.

    With Emotional Authenticity as your guide, anything is possible!

    We know it can be hard to make time for yourself when there are so many demands on our lives. But we also know how important it is to invest in ourselves if we want to live a fulfilling life full of joy and happiness.

    That’s why we offer this course as an easy-to-follow guide with videos, exercises, and activities that will give you the knowledge, skills, tools—and most importantly—the motivation needed to reach Emotional Authenticity in just 30 days!

    So what are you waiting for? Join us TODAY!

    Your Journey To Emotional Authenticity
    The Greatness University Kenny Weiss

     

  • 7 Reasons Why it is Impossible To Have a Relationship With an Addict

    7 Reasons Why it is Impossible To Have a Relationship With an Addict

    Is it possible to have a genuinely loving, connected, intimate relationship with an addict who is active in their addiction? The simple answer is no.

    No Mutual Sharing

    Addicts are self-absorbed, so any mutual sharing of information, of their heart, or their interests doesn’t exist. A lack of mutual sharing is a barrier to intimacy. That is because the addiction runs everything, so any sharing they do is manipulative.

    No Stability

    With addicts, everything’s intense. Therefore, addicts are completely impulsive and compulsive, which leads to a lack of stability. When there’s a lack of stability in a relationship, it creates a high state of stress and fear and a massive amount of intensity.

    No Trust

    Addicts lie, they manipulate, they steal. They’ll do anything to keep the addiction going. They’ll hide it from you. They are covert in their ways. Therefore, trust is not possible, and neither is intimacy and connection.

    Inability to Connect

    At the heart of addiction is intolerable emotional pain.

    The addiction is there so that they don’t feel that intolerable pain, and if they can’t feel their pain and are numb, they can’t feel you.

    They won’t be able to express themselves, and they won’t be there for you emotionally. However, healthy relationships and intimacy require a person to be in touch with their feelings.

    Self-Loathing

    Addiction comes from self-loathing because every addict goes against their morals and values, needs and wants negotiables, and non-negotiables. As a result, they don’t want to be an addict, even if they try and convince you by saying, “Oh, I’m not an addict,” or “It’s no big deal, I’m fine.”

    All of that is a lie, and the lies that they continue to tell are more self-loathing and more of the pain they project onto you. Since they cannot take ownership, they won’t see that their lies aren’t true.

    Delusion

    Addicts operate from a skewed reality. But addicts are extremely convincing. After all, they’ve convinced themselves and most likely you that they need the substance or are not abusing the substance.

    Detachment

    Addicts survive their unhealed pain by detaching from reality. They aren’t present in the world, and therefore they aren’t present in the relationship. When in a relationship with an addict, you’re essentially in a relationship with an actor. Can you have a relationship with an actor? Of course not. Is there true, authentic intimacy? Of course not.

    Solution

    If you’re in a relationship with an addict, there’s only one solution. You have to face the addiction and accept that you can do nothing to stop it. The addict comes to that on their own. Typically an addict will exhaust all of their denial mechanisms until they’re in so much pain that the consequences of continuing the addiction feel worse than the addiction itself. For some people, that never happens because usually, they’re great at finding enablers to keep it going.

    Conclusion

    If you’re in a relationship with an addict, you’re not really in a relationship because it’s a codependent dual enabling. So there’s not an authentic relationship or authentic intimacy.

    It’s two people doing the best they can with where they are at the moment. Both of them are hurting; both of them are perfectly imperfect.

    Life is so challenging because we don’t teach how to navigate these complex issues. Ultimately it all boils down to a choice:

    Would we like to live a little bit better and in a little bit less pain?

    If that’s what you want, there’s only one way.

    We have to face the pain that created the pain on both sides: for the addict and the enabler of the addict’s behavior.

    Enjoy The Journey??

    Do You Want To Have a Healthy, Happy Relationship and Feel Loved?

    The Complete Journey To Create Lasting Love And Connection is the most comprehensive guide to finding and creating a lasting, loving relationship free from codependence. It’s designed to heal, resurrect and transform any damaged relationship.

    Whether you are single and tired of searching for the right relationship, or you are in a relationship and seek to make it the best ever, you’ll find the relationship of your dreams by taking this one-of-a-kind masterclass!

    CLICK THE IMAGE TO LEARN MORE