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Category: Addiction

  • 7 Characteristics of a Love Addict

    7 Characteristics of a Love Addict

    Are you constantly afraid that you’re going to lose your relationship? In today’s Best Day Blog article, I will help you by sharing seven characteristics of a person who lives in that constant fear of loss and the seven solutions to stop feeling so fearful.

    These characteristics have been coined many different things: relationship insecurity and anxious attachment style. Clinically, this person would be called a love addict – don’t worry about the threatening name. If you have a favorite food, drink, or anything else, they have the same addictive mechanisms. Don’t shame yourself.

    A big reason we all struggle is our inability to call things what they are. Instead, recognize that living in truth and reality are requirements for creating a healthy relationship.

    What are the seven characteristics of a love addict?

    1. Overthinking. This occurs when we replay conversations, look at texts, and decipher every little nuance. The critical distinction is that the thoughts are obsessive and always about figuring out the other person.
    2. Catastrophe thinking.  This is often triggered when there is a communication gap. Even the slightest pause in texting or talking triggers the love addict to project fear that the relationship is over, their partner is angry with them, or something is wrong.
    3. Needing constant reassurance. I struggled with this – I learned it from my mother. It was common for our family to be at dinner talking about politics or some other topic, and my mom would suddenly blurt out, “How do I look in this dress?
    4. Bringing the past into the current relationship. Love addicts’ internal fear creates an obsessive need to keep themselves safe. One of the ways they attempt to stay safe is by comparing the past to the present. For instance, you might constantly compare things your current boyfriend does to what your last boyfriend did. Unfortunately, this attempt to avoid pain makes it impossible to be present, and being so hypervigilant can lead to the end of the relationship.
    5. Give too much time, attention, and power to the other person. The love addicts’ desperate need to avoid abandonment creates a disempowering abandonment of themselves. They do this by over-emphasizing their partner’s strengths and elevating them to fantasy. The addict makes their partner’s life more valuable than their own. They give up their interests, space, and desires. There is far too much attention on their partner and not enough on themselves. They effectively make them their higher power.
    6. Snooping. Love addicts will feel the need and even demand to check their partner’s phone or email and look at their partner’s social media too much. They will want to keep tabs on who they are with and where their partner is going. In addition, they are on constant alert for the possibility that they are being replaced.
    7. The inability to feel whole or happy outside of a relationship.  Love addicts will feel empty, sad, and depressed if alone and often enter new relationships, even destructive ones, to avoid being alone.

    What are seven solutions for love addiction?

    1. Face our self-deception and acknowledge the truth. The love addict needs to get into reality that their expectations are addictive. Our desire for unlimited positive regard and our demand for so much time and attention from the other person is excessive. We have to recognize that how we define love is distorted, and we have recovery work to do ourselves.
    2. Do the three “Gets.” The following three steps come from Al-anon and are called the three “gets.’ Step one is to get off their back. Our constant wondering what they’re doing, our need for continuous attention, overthinking all of their thoughts and actions, and snooping is evidence that we are “on their back” and paying too much attention to their life and not our own.
    3. Get out of their way. The addict needs to stop trying to dictate or correct how their partner lives their life. Let them be who they want to be. Don’t try to change them or get them to meet our needs. They’re okay the way they are. It’s not our place to critique, judge, and tell them who to be.
    4. Get on with your own life. Instead of putting all your time and attention into them, put it into yourself! Learn to meet your needs yourself, get back to living your own life, and pursue the hobbies, friendships, and interests you gave up when the relationship began.
    5. Self-esteem work. For the love addict, their internal sense of security now is based on their partner or the object of their pursuit. Therefore, they must start developing the belief that they have inherent value at all times and not only when they are in a relationship.
    6. Develop boundaries. Addicts struggle to contain how much they share about themselves. So here is a suggestion. I want you to think of gas pedals. If your partner shares a little bit, join them, going about 8-10 MPH. Maybe try to advance to 12-13 MPH, but if they back off, you back off. Here’s how you know when you’re doing this right: you should feel like you’re cold, mean, selfish, and disinterested.  You should feel uncomfortable because you’re used to the gas pedal being pushed to the floor. When you feel this new discomfort, you’ll know you’re no longer acting addictively or anxious. Now you’re behaving moderately. You’ll get used to it in no time, and things will improve.
    7. Work with an expert. Childhood abandonment created the addiction. Therefore, working with a specialist is necessary to overcome it. I encourage you to pick up Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction and Facing Codependence to learn about all of this. Beverly Engle’s The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is also great. The addict must get into reality about how abandoned they were in childhood. Those three books are central to those who suffer from love addiction.

    Remember, the person struggling with love addiction is not bad or weak. They are in pain and doing their best not to feel that pain. Addictively pursuing someone is the only way they currently know how to alleviate that pain. Sadly, if left untreated, it creates more of the pain they desperately try to avoid. But there is hope. If we develop a plan to heal the underlying pain, we can find the authentic love we crave and deserve.

    Additional solutions:

    1- My book, Your Journey To Success

    2– My Complete Emotional Authenticity Method

    3– My Perfectly Imperfect Private Group

    4– My Private Coaching

    Learn more here:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUzUX5UVCGU[/embedyt]

  • The Difference Between Passion and Addiction

    The Difference Between Passion and Addiction

    Believe it or not, addiction is often mistaken for passion. This is because both can make a person feel energized, excited, and powerful, but it’s important to decipher between the two so you can ensure that you’re pursuing a passion, not an addiction.

     

    What’s the difference?

     

    One of the most fantastic explanations for the difference between passion and addiction comes from Dr. Gabor Maté’s In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, in which he writes:

     

    “The difference between passion and addiction is that between a divine spark and a flame that incinerates. Passion is divine fire while it enlivens and makes holy.

    it gives light and yields inspiration. Passion is generous because it’s not ego-driven, while addiction is self-centered and a thief. Passion gives and enriches.

     

    Passion

     

    Passion is a source of truth and enlightenment; addictive behaviors lead you into darkness. You’re more alive when you are passionate. And you triumph whether or not you attain your goal.

    But an addiction requires a specific outcome that feeds the ego; without that outcome. The ego feels empty and deprived. A consuming passion that you are helpless to resist, no matter what the consequences, is an addiction.”

    “You may even devote your entire life to a passion, but if it’s truly a passion and not an addiction, you’ll do so with freedom, joy, and a full assertion of your truest self and values.

    In addiction, there’s no joy, freedom, or assertion. The addict lurks shamefaced in the shadowy corners of her own existence. It is passion’s darksome outcome and, to the naïve observer, its perfect mimic. It resembles passion in its urgency and in the promise of fulfillment, but its gifts are illusory; it’s a black hole. The more you offer it, the more it demands. Unlike passion, its outcome does not create new elements from old.

    It only degrades what it touches and turns it into something less, something cheaper. The question to ask yourself is, ‘am I happier after pursuing my addiction?’

    Addiction is centrifugal. It sucks energy from you, creating a vacuum of inertia. A passion energizes you and enriches your relationships.

    It empowers you and gives strength to others. Addiction consumes, and passion creates. First the self and then the others within its orbit.”

     

    In essence:

     

    • Passion needs truth; addiction needs deception
    • Addiction pursues the outcome, while passion pursues the process.
    • Addiction kills the spirit, while Passion illuminates the spirit.
    • Passion can be stopped; addiction must be maintained
    • Addiction is all-consuming, while Passion has balance.
    • Addiction creates disconnection and isolation while it creates connection and community;
    • Passionate people are enriched by others, while addicted people are consumed with themselves
    • Passionate people accept responsibility and criticism, while addicted people refuse responsibility and deny criticism

     

    The process vs. the outcome

     

    If you listen to people who have achieved a lot, you’ll find them insisting that their achievements are based on passion. Often, it’s not. The outcome, not the process, consumes them. Additionally, That becomes evident because there is no balance, joy, or fulfillment outside of their pursuit.

    Therefore, the process leading up to the outcome is filled with stress and anxiety, not enjoyment. And it will only be in the outcome where they’ll experience a few moments of joy and delight; it’s this feeling that they’ll chase. It’s high, and it’s because they’re putting themselves through turmoil to get to that point.

    Finally, when successful people eventually reach their end goal, they will start feeling a sense of emptiness where that high no longer exists.

    That’s not to say you can’t pursue your passion and be successful. You can. The difference is that sense of joy. It’s essential to be self-aware enough to realize where you stand. You must have balance.

    Whether it’s your relationship, career, or hobby, think about the differences between passion and addiction. Take honest stock of your life. Is your pursuit robbing your soul or fulfilling your soul? And most importantly, how is it affecting the people in your life? If you are abandoning your spouse or friends, or children for your passion, it is most likely hiding intolerable pain.

    To discover your autherntic self and true passion, my book, Your Journey To Success shows you how. If you are struggling with addiction and need help, you can schedule an appointment, enroll in my masterclasses or joing my private group here: http://kennyweiss.net/coaching/

     

    Enjoy The Journey??

     

    To learn more, watch the video here:

  • 7 Reasons Why it is Impossible To Have a Relationship With an Addict

    7 Reasons Why it is Impossible To Have a Relationship With an Addict

    Is it possible to have a genuinely loving, connected, intimate relationship with an addict who is active in their addiction? The simple answer is no.

    No Mutual Sharing

    Addicts are self-absorbed, so any mutual sharing of information, of their heart, or their interests doesn’t exist. A lack of mutual sharing is a barrier to intimacy. That is because the addiction runs everything, so any sharing they do is manipulative.

    No Stability

    With addicts, everything’s intense. Therefore, addicts are completely impulsive and compulsive, which leads to a lack of stability. When there’s a lack of stability in a relationship, it creates a high state of stress and fear and a massive amount of intensity.

    No Trust

    Addicts lie, they manipulate, they steal. They’ll do anything to keep the addiction going. They’ll hide it from you. They are covert in their ways. Therefore, trust is not possible, and neither is intimacy and connection.

    Inability to Connect

    At the heart of addiction is intolerable emotional pain.

    The addiction is there so that they don’t feel that intolerable pain, and if they can’t feel their pain and are numb, they can’t feel you.

    They won’t be able to express themselves, and they won’t be there for you emotionally. However, healthy relationships and intimacy require a person to be in touch with their feelings.

    Self-Loathing

    Addiction comes from self-loathing because every addict goes against their morals and values, needs and wants negotiables, and non-negotiables. As a result, they don’t want to be an addict, even if they try and convince you by saying, “Oh, I’m not an addict,” or “It’s no big deal, I’m fine.”

    All of that is a lie, and the lies that they continue to tell are more self-loathing and more of the pain they project onto you. Since they cannot take ownership, they won’t see that their lies aren’t true.

    Delusion

    Addicts operate from a skewed reality. But addicts are extremely convincing. After all, they’ve convinced themselves and most likely you that they need the substance or are not abusing the substance.

    Detachment

    Addicts survive their unhealed pain by detaching from reality. They aren’t present in the world, and therefore they aren’t present in the relationship. When in a relationship with an addict, you’re essentially in a relationship with an actor. Can you have a relationship with an actor? Of course not. Is there true, authentic intimacy? Of course not.

    Solution

    If you’re in a relationship with an addict, there’s only one solution. You have to face the addiction and accept that you can do nothing to stop it. The addict comes to that on their own. Typically an addict will exhaust all of their denial mechanisms until they’re in so much pain that the consequences of continuing the addiction feel worse than the addiction itself. For some people, that never happens because usually, they’re great at finding enablers to keep it going.

    Conclusion

    If you’re in a relationship with an addict, you’re not really in a relationship because it’s a codependent dual enabling. So there’s not an authentic relationship or authentic intimacy.

    It’s two people doing the best they can with where they are at the moment. Both of them are hurting; both of them are perfectly imperfect.

    Life is so challenging because we don’t teach how to navigate these complex issues. Ultimately it all boils down to a choice:

    Would we like to live a little bit better and in a little bit less pain?

    If that’s what you want, there’s only one way.

    We have to face the pain that created the pain on both sides: for the addict and the enabler of the addict’s behavior.

    Enjoy The Journey??

    Do You Want To Have a Healthy, Happy Relationship and Feel Loved?

    The Complete Journey To Create Lasting Love And Connection is the most comprehensive guide to finding and creating a lasting, loving relationship free from codependence. It’s designed to heal, resurrect and transform any damaged relationship.

    Whether you are single and tired of searching for the right relationship, or you are in a relationship and seek to make it the best ever, you’ll find the relationship of your dreams by taking this one-of-a-kind masterclass!

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