Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner thinking, “How did we even get here?”
You started with something simple — dinner plans, the kids, chores, a memory from last week — and suddenly you’re in a full-blown fight.
Maybe you feel misunderstood. Maybe they keep telling you what you should think or feel. Maybe every conversation feels like walking through a minefield.
If that sounds familiar, I want to reassure you of something:
There’s nothing wrong with you. And there’s nothing uniquely broken about your relationship.
What you’re experiencing comes down to two deeply common patterns I’ve seen in every relationship — even the healthy ones:
- Reality Arguments
- Taking Each Other’s Inventory
And once you understand these two patterns (and how to fix them), communication becomes easier, intimacy returns, and the temperature in your relationship drops almost overnight.
Let’s break this down in a way that’s simple, relatable, and transformative.
The Real Reason You’re Fighting: You’re Having a Reality Argument
A reality argument happens when two people look at the same situation and see two different truths — and they both believe theirs is the “correct” one.
That’s it.
That’s the whole fight.
And here’s the kicker: Neither of you is wrong.
Think about watching sports.
The referee makes a call — half the stadium erupts in outrage, the other half cheers.
Same event.
Two realities.
Or politics — Democrat vs. Republican.
Two realities.
Or religion — billions of people with billions of different ways to understand the world.
Two realities.
But here’s where romantic relationships get stuck: We become dependent on our partner agreeing with our reality. We stop being lovers and start being referees. Instead of curiosity, we move into control. Instead of connection, we move into competition. And instead of saying, “Help me understand your view,” it becomes, “You’re wrong — and here’s why my reality is better.”
The relationship shifts into a race to the bottom.
Two people fighting for victimhood, each saying:
“You hurt me when you said that.”
“No, you hurt me when you said that!”
Down, down, down it goes.
Why This Hurts So Much: Reality Is Personal History
Your reality is shaped by:
- your childhood
- your fears
- your survival strategies
- your past wounds
- your successes
- your traumas
- your beliefs about safety and love
And so is theirs.
When your partner’s reality conflicts with yours, it’s not because they’re stubborn. It’s because they’re human. Once you adopt this mindset, arguments stop being threats and start becoming opportunities. You shift from trying to win to trying to understand.
The Second Pattern Destroying Your Relationship: Taking Their Inventory
Taking inventory happens when you tell your partner:
- What they should think
- What they should feel
- What they should believe
- What they should do
Or when you interpret their choices and assign meaning to them:
“Oh, you enjoy that? That must mean you’re selfish.”
“You don’t agree with me? You must not care.”
And here’s the painful truth:
Every time we take the inventory of someone else, we are giving them permission to do the same to us.
Most people don’t recognize this as codependency — but that’s exactly what it is.
It’s stepping out of our adult selves and climbing into their mind, trying to control how they live.
And when we do that, we lose the foundation of a healthy relationship:
- containment
- personal responsibility
- boundaries
- autonomy
- emotional maturity
This is precisely why most couples fight — not because one person is “toxic” or “wrong,” but because both people are crossing the net into the other person’s territory.
And that brings us to the metaphor that changes everything.
The Tennis Court: The Simple Metaphor That Saves Relationships
Imagine your relationship as a tennis court.
Two players. A net in the middle.
Each person has their side of the court.
Now ask yourself:
Are you allowed to jump over the net and tell your opponent how to hit the ball?
Are you allowed to decide their technique for them?
Are you allowed to critique or control their shots?
Of course not.
And they’re not allowed to do that to you either.
The net = the boundary between your reality and theirs.
Your side of the court includes:
- your thoughts
- your feelings
- your beliefs
- your actions
- your interpretations
- your self-regulation
- your choices
Your partner’s side includes theirs.
Neither is right or wrong — they’re just different.
Some players love a one-handed backhand. Some swear by two hands. Neither is wrong.
Each simply reflects the player’s history.
When you respect the net, communication becomes connection.
When you ignore the net, communication becomes combat.
The Game-Changing Shift: Stop Playing Their Shot, Start Playing Yours
Before you say anything, ask yourself:
“Am I jumping over the net?”
If the answer is yes, stop.
Take a breath.
Stay on your side.
And when your partner jumps the net?
Just let it bounce out of bounds.
You get to choose whether you step into a fight — no one can “make you.”
This is maturity.
This is emotional authenticity.
This is interdependence instead of codependence.
How to Set Boundaries Without Escalating the Fight
Here are a few simple, calm statements you can use when your partner jumps the net and tries to argue with your reality or take your inventory.
1. When they take your inventory (tell you what you should think/feel/do):
“Thanks for sharing. In the future, would you be willing to ask before giving advice?”
2. When they assume your reality:
“I hear that you’ve decided what my reality is. If you’d like to know, I’d be happy to share it.”
3. When your realities differ:
“I appreciate hearing your perspective. Can you tell me more about what shaped that view?”
When you ask this, something beautiful happens.
You shift from conflict to curiosity.
You move from distance to intimacy.
You stop being opponents and become teammates.
And ultimately, that’s all any of us really want — to be heard, known, and understood.
Make It Light, Make It Loving
Once things calm down, you can even make this playful.
When your partner jumps the net, you can smile, walk over, give them a kiss, and say:
“Sweetheart… are you enjoying playing tennis for me today?”
The tension breaks.
Humor returns.
Connection is restored.
Relationships don’t have to feel like war.
Most of the time, they simply need a new game.
A Two-Week Challenge to Transform Your Relationship
For the next two weeks:
1. Get a journal.
Each day, write down where you jumped the net and argued with your partners’ reality or took inventory.
2. Then write the healthier alternative.
“How could I have played that shot on my side of the court?”
3. Stay accountable to yourself — not your partner’s behavior.
Change starts with you modeling emotional maturity for yourself rather than demanding it from them.
If you do this for even 7–14 days, you’ll see a dramatic shift.
Less defensiveness.
More listening.
More intimacy.
More calm.
More connection.
If You Want Deeper Support, I’m Here to Help
If you’d like personalized guidance — actual scripts, step-by-step coaching, and tailored tools to help you play “relationship tennis” in a way that brings you closer — you’re welcome to schedule a private one-on-one session with me. Just click the hyperlinked text. No pressure.
Just an invitation if you’re ready for the next step in your healing and in your relationship.
To watch the video and learn more click here:
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