cms.kennyweiss.net

Blog

  • ⭐Hey You Chase Love (And They Pull Away)

    ⭐Hey You Chase Love (And They Pull Away)

    “You don’t chase them because you love them.
    You chase them because your childhood taught you that love runs away.”

    “You’re not pursuing a partner — you’re pursuing the parent who couldn’t choose you.”

    THE MOMENT YOU START CHASING

    Let’s start with the exact moment it happens.

    Someone pulls away —
    maybe a text slows down,
    their tone shifts,
    the energy changes,
    they turn distant,
    or they say “I just need space.”

    Instantly your body:

    • goes into panic
    • your chest tightens
    • your stomach drops
    • your mind races
    • you replay every interaction
    • you start fixing, soothing, chasing
    • you send the long text
    • you over-explain
    • you apologize even when you did nothing wrong
    • you start “performing”
    • you try to become the version of you they’ll choose

    But what you call chasing…

    …is actually your fear hijacking your nervous system.

    This is NOT about them.
    This is not even about adult you.

    This is your unseen childhood wound screaming:

    “DON’T LEAVE ME.”

    THE REAL EMOTIONAL BLUEPRINT BEHIND CHASING

    Chasing doesn’t begin in adulthood.

    Chasing begins the exact moment you learned:

    • love was inconsistent
    • love was unpredictable
    • love was conditional
    • love disappeared
    • love had to be earned
    • love pulled away the moment you needed it
    • love chose work, addiction, siblings, religion, stress, or silence over you

    Chasing love is not a behavior.
    It is a childhood role.

    Here are the five childhood conditions that create adult “chasers”:

    1. YOU GREW UP WITH AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE CAREGIVER

    You learned connection comes through pursuit.

    2. YOU LEARNED TO EARN LOVE THROUGH PERFORMANCE

    Achievement = attention.
    Obedience = connection.

    It was all about what you did, how well you did it, and NOT about who you are.

    Your Achievement and Obedience are what got you attention and connection.

    3. YOU WERE THE EMOTIONAL CARETAKER

    Your worth and value came from emotionally fixing, soothing, & stabilizing them

    4. YOU LIVED IN CONFUSION

    Your worth and value came from emotionally fixing, soothing, & stabilizing them

    5. YOU NEVER FELT CHOSEN

    So you lived in the background, like the family pet at the dinner table, yearning for head scratches and any leftover scraps of love.

    So, your adult chasing is simply: Your childhood trying to finish a story it never got to complete.

    THE TRAUMA CHEMISTRY LOOP

    This part is critical.

    Your brain is formed by your emotional experiences as a child, and those experiences create an emotional blueprint we take into adulthood. Id you are a chaser, your brain became addicted to the emotional chemicals produced by:

    • distance
    • unpredictability
    • inconsistency
    • hope + fear cycles
    • intermittent reinforcement
    • longing
    • unreliability

    This emotional cycle of ups and downs is identical to what casinos use.

    Your brain gets dopamine not from love…

    …but from the chase. As a child, you pulled the metaphorical emotional safety and love slot machine handle every day, anxious to see what you were going to get from your caregivers.

    Like the gambler, you were desperate to win. And you are still desperate to win. That is why you keep picking people who mirror the emotional environment of your childhood.

    Now you know why:

    • The avoidant feels magnetic
    • The unavailable feels intoxicating
    • The distant feels “deep”
    • The stable feels boring
    • The present feels unsafe
    • The consistent feels foreign

    Your nervous system isn’t seeking love.

    Your nervous system is seeking what it survived.

    That is because our brains are designed to repeat what they already know emotionally. It follows the emotional blueprint of what we experienced as children. This is what I call The Worst Day Cycle.

    THE WORST DAY CYCLE BEHIND CHASING

    Let’s break it down:

    TRAUMA

    The moment a caregiver didn’t choose you.
    Your blueprint has been formed, which sends you into stage two.

    FEAR

    Your brain and body become chemically addicted to the emotional state of chasing. And the chasing sends you into stage three. SHAME

    You internalize:

    • “If I were enough, they would stay.”
    • “I’m the reason they pull away.”
    • “I need to fix myself.”
    • “I’m unlovable unless I earn it.”

    SHAME

    Your emotional blueprint becomes internalized with mantras like:

    • “If I were enough, they would stay.”
    • “I’m the reason they pull away.”
    • “I need to fix myself.”
    • “I’m unlovable unless I earn it.”
    • So you only have one option. To get any emotional scraps from the dinner table of love,
      you have to cast off your authentic self, redefine what is hurtful, and call it love.
    • Now, the only way you can achieve that and protect yourself from the overwhelming
      emotional pain you are experiencing is to move to stage four.

    DENIAL

    This is where the child you came up with a brilliant life-saving strategy. To protect your authentic self from the pain and loss of care, you create a protective persona of:

    • the fixer, and the giver
    • the perfect partner
    • the calm one
    • the stable one
    • the one who always forgives
    • And the emotionally responsible one

    You chase because your childhood emotional blueprint persona learned that the only way to survive was to chase.

    It’s not who you are —
    it’s who you became to survive.

    WHY YOU CAN’T STOP CHASING EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER

    You can’t stop because your nervous system was programmed to interpret distance as danger.
    Withholding = abandonment
    Silence = rejection
    Space = disconnection

    So when someone pulls away, your body doesn’t think:

    “Maybe they’re busy.”

    Your body thinks:

    I’m losing love.
    I’m losing worth.
    I’m losing safety.

    Fear takes over,

    Shame floods your system,
    your adult self disappears,
    and your childhood wound starts frantically pulling on the slot machine handle, desperate to win love, finally

    So, you see, you’re not chasing THEM.

    You’re chasing the FEELING of being chosen.

    THE CHILD YOU LEFT BEHIND

    Now here is the tough truth that most people won’t tell you.

    The adult who’s chasing isn’t really you. It is the hurt, unhealed parts of you.
    Depending on your specific childhood environment, it might be

    • the 5-year-old who felt invisible
    • the 7-year-old who never felt picked
    • the 9-year-old who earned approval through perfection as a student or athlete
    • the 12-year-old who emotionally soothed your parent after the divorce
    • the child who learned their needs were inconvenient
    • the child who believed:
      “If I can just be good enough, they will finally choose me.”

    So every time your partner withdraws…

    …your inner child jumps forward and says:

    “I can fix this.
    I can be better.
    I can make them stay.”

    That child STILL doesn’t know you survived.
    Still doesn’t know you’re an adult now.
    Still doesn’t know love can be safe.

    What that means is that chasing is your child trying to rewrite history and find someone to be the caregiver and caretaker of your abandoned heart.

    So, how do you stop the chasing pattern? You can’t do it with superficial strategies that treat the symptoms, like Emotional Intelligence but only with TRUE emotional reprogramming that heals the core.

    The process you are looking for is the Authentic Self Cycle, which is built on developing Emotional Authenticity. That is because Emotional Intelligence has you focus on your emotions today, not the root, the place where all emotions and feelings are learned, childhood, only Emotional Authenticity does that.

    So let’s begin with the Authentic Self Cycle and step one…

    HOW TO STOP CHASING

    Here is how you stop the chasing pattern — not the superficial version, but the TRUE emotional reprogramming: The Authentic Self Cycle

    1. TRUTH

    Identify the original moment you felt:

    “I’m not chosen.”

    This is the root wound behind every chase. This is a critical step because it breaks the wall of denial and exposes the false persona your emotional blueprint had to choose to survive.

    2. RESPONSIBILITY

    Not blame. Not shame. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
    So responsibility looks like….

    “This survival pattern kept me safe.
    And now it’s time to let it go.” And I will do that by committing to a process and plan of healing.

    3. HEALING — This is where the Emotional Authenticity Method comes in

    It shows you how to rewire the chasing response by:

    • Showing you how to reparent your inner child and become the parent who chooses you.
      And when you do that, you can…
    • break the shame story
    • heal the fear-based chemical addiction
    • Confront the emotional memory your body is still carrying
    • Create emotional safety inside your own nervous system
    • Teach your body that stability = safety
    • Build tolerance for consistent love

    When you become the parent you needed for yourself, safety becomes familiar, and chasing becomes unnecessary. And the combination of the first three steps leads you into

    4. FORGIVENESS

    Forgiveness is not about focusing on the partner you chased.

    Forgiveness is about the child who had to chase love to survive.

    Forgiveness is the moment you can be the parent to your wounded child and say:

    “I appreciate you for coming up with such a brilliant strategy. You are so smart and so capable, to have figured out how to survive.

    But I want you to know I am here now. It is my job and my promise to you is that I will work every day to become the parent you needed so you can feel safe and not feel like you have to take over anymore. You no longer need to earn love; I will give you all of mine.”

    YOUR JOURNEY TO BEING YOURSELF

    Let’s wrap this up.

    I hope you can now see that when you use the 4 Pillars of the Authentic Self Cycle, through the emotional authenticity method, what you discover that…

    “You do not chase because you’re needy.
    You chase because your childhood taught you that love disappears.”

    But…. More importantly. You deserve to be chosen not by others, but by yourself.”

  • The Real Reason Your Conversations Keep Turning Into Fights

    The Real Reason Your Conversations Keep Turning Into Fights

    If your relationship is on the rocks because you can’t communicate without the conversation turning into a fight, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken. The truth is, you’re not actually fighting about what you think you’re fighting about.

    You might believe the argument started because of a tone of voice, the dishes, being ignored, or the way your partner shuts down. But the fight didn’t start five minutes ago. It didn’t even start this year.

    It started decades before you ever met each other.

    And until you both understand this, even the most well-intentioned efforts to “communicate better” will keep failing. So today, I’m going to walk you through:

    • Why your conversations keep escalating
    • Why most communication tools don’t work
    • How the Worst Day Cycle™ hijacks every adult relationship
    • And the transformational solution: the Authentic Self Cycle™ and the Emotional Authenticity Method™

    By the end, you’ll finally understand the real reason things erupt — and exactly how to break the pattern for good.

    Why We Never Actually Fight About the Present

    Here’s the truth almost no one wants to hear:

    No adult fights about the present. Ever.

    Our brain and body simply don’t work that way.

    All conflicts are the past resurfacing — unhealed, unaddressed, and silently steering the conversation.

    When you suddenly feel misunderstood, attacked, rejected, or dismissed, that emotional reaction is not coming from the capable adult you are today.
    It’s coming from the child you once were — the one who learned early on that love could be unpredictable, unsafe, or conditional.

    That’s why the simplest “Why didn’t you call?” can explode into an argument.
    Because you’re not hearing the words. You’re hearing the wound.

    The child inside you hears:

    • “I messed up again.”
    • “I can’t get anything right.”
    • “I’m not enough.”

    And so you defend yourself — not from your partner —
    but from an old emotional memory your body still believes is happening.

    Both of you are doing this.
    Both of you are reacting to echoes from your past.

    This is how every fight begins.

    Emotions Are Learned — And They Run the Show

    Every emotion you have as an adult was learned in childhood.

    Your definitions of love, anger, fear, sadness, safety — they were all shaped by the home, culture, and system you grew up in.

    So when your brain senses something today
    that even resembles the original moment a definition was formed,
    it sends you right back to that emotional state.

    You can’t stop it.
    You didn’t choose it.
    And you’re not wrong for having it.

    This is simply how every human nervous system works.

    And that’s why no adult — not even the healthiest — argues about what’s happening now.
    We’re always arguing with our past.

    Welcome to the Worst Day Cycle™

    I call this unconscious loop the Worst Day Cycle™ — and every human on this planet gets pulled into it.

    The cycle has four stages:

    1. Trauma
    2. Fear
    3. Shame
    4. Denial

    When you’re stuck in these stages, your emotional reactions are not coming from your authentic self — they’re coming from the wounds you’ve never been taught how to heal.

    Let’s walk through how the cycle shows up in your fights.

    Stage 1: Trauma — The Original Wound

    To see how this shows up, I want you to try something.

    Go to my website (or Google) and pull up a Feelings Wheel or a feelings list.
    Then think about your last fight and ask yourself:

    1. What was I feeling?
       The real feeling — not the reaction.
    2. Where did I feel it in my body?
       Was it in your chest? Your stomach? Your throat?
    3. What’s the FIRST memory I have of feeling this?
       Keep going back. High school. Middle school. Childhood. Early childhood.

    Eventually, you’ll find it:

    The moment that created your definition of that emotion.

    Maybe it was a parent.
    A teacher.
    A sibling.
    A coach.
    A religious leader.
    A friend.
    An old partner.

    And now you’ll see clearly:

    You’re not arguing with your partner.
     You’re arguing with an unhealed childhood wound.

    Your partner isn’t the enemy.
    Your past is.

    Stage 2: Fear — When Your Partner Becomes the Threat

    Every fight has that one moment where everything shifts:

    • Your tone sharpens
    • Your chest tightens
    • Your heart rate jumps
    • You defend, blame, pursue, or shut down

    That’s your nervous system recognizing emotional danger — even if the danger is imagined or decades old.

    In that moment, your partner stops being your partner.

    Your brain turns them into a threat.

    And here’s the biological truth:

    You cannot communicate with someone you are trying to survive.

    Logic disappears.
    Empathy disappears.
    Perspective disappears.
    Nuance disappears.

    You’re no longer in a conversation.
    You’re in a survival response.

    This is why everything suddenly escalates.

    Stage 3: Shame — When You Feel “Not Enough”

    Shame is the emotional engine behind almost every argument on the planet.

    It’s the quiet voice whispering:

    • “You’re failing.”
    • “You’re disappointing them.”
    • “You’re not enough.”

    So when your partner says,
    “We need to talk about the bills,”
    you might respond with irritation or defensiveness — not because of the bills,
    but because shame has been activated.

    One of you is talking about finances,
    the other is talking about unhealed shame.

    Two different conversations.
    Two different childhood wounds.
    One fight.

    Stage 4: Denial — When You Both Become Each Other’s Enemy

    Denial is the moment you blame each other for the fight.

    It’s the moment you say:

    • “You always start this.”
    • “This is your problem.”
    • “You’re the one who needs to change.”

    Denial isn’t lying.
    It’s self-protection —
    your nervous system trying to keep you from feeling the original wound.

    This is why denial is so powerful and so destructive.
    It keeps couples stuck in a loop they don’t understand.

    Why You Chose Each Other — The Shockingly Beautiful Truth

    Here’s the twist no one expects:

    You didn’t just randomly fall in love.

    Your brain and body chose someone whose denial strategy, wounds, and survival pattern perfectly collide with yours.

    If you learned to survive childhood by staying quiet and never upsetting anyone,
    you will almost always end up with someone who learned to survive by confronting everything head-on.

    Your silence triggers their fear.
    Their intensity triggers yours.

    Not because you’re incompatible —
    but because your childhood wounds are a perfect mirror for each other’s healing.

    You’re not broken.
    You’re patterned.

    The Solution: The Authentic Self Cycle™

    The moment you recognize the Worst Day Cycle in yourself, everything shifts.
    Now you can do what most couples never learned:

    Communicate as adults instead of wounded children.

    The Authentic Self Cycle has four pillars:

    1. Truth
    2. Responsibility
    3. Healing
    4. Forgiveness

    When you apply these, the fight stops instantly — even if your partner hasn’t changed a thing.

    Let’s walk through what this looks like in real life.

    Truth — The Moment Conflict Turns Into Connection

    Instead of saying:

    • “You’re ridiculous.”
    • “You always overreact.”
    • “I’m done talking about this.”

    You say:

    • “I’m realizing I feel ashamed right now.”
    • “This reminds me of when my dad criticized me.”
    • “I’m scared you’re disappointed in me.”
    • “I’m afraid I’m not enough.”

    These truths are the words your inner child never got to speak.

    And when your partner hears them?
    Empathy replaces fear.
    Connection replaces conflict.

    The entire emotional temperature shifts instantly.

    Responsibility — “This Is My Wound, Not Your Attack”

    When you lose containment and go into a reaction, you pause and say:

    “Wait… this is my wound.”

    Not:

    “You’re hurting me.”
    “You’re attacking me.”

    But:

    “I’m reliving something from my past.”

    This creates emotional safety for both of you — possibly for the first time in your relationship.

    Healing — Becoming the Caretaker of Your Own Wounds

    Now you commit to learning your Worst Day Cycle, your patterns, and your emotional triggers.

    You begin working with the Emotional Authenticity Method, the tools, and the awareness needed to finally break the looping trauma pattern.

    This is the moment your relationship becomes a healing space instead of a battlefield.

    Forgiveness — The Natural Result of Truth + Responsibility + Healing

    Forgiveness becomes easy when:

    • You hear your partner’s truth
    • You see them taking responsibility
    • You witness them doing the work

    You shift from tolerating each other
    to admiring each other.

    You move from being destroyers to healers.

    Your loving actions replace your old pain-soaked words.

    The Moment Everything Changes

    Once you see the cycle, you stop seeing arguments as relationship problems.

    You start seeing them the way emotionally authentic couples do:

    As healing opportunities.

    Every conflict becomes a mirror showing you:

    • What part of me is still hurting?
    • What fear is running me?
    • What shame is protecting me?
    • What truth have I been afraid to speak?

    This is the moment you stop being controlled by your past.
    This is the moment you become free.

    Conflict Isn’t a Problem — It’s an Invitation

    We’re taught in childhood that conflict is negative.
    But conflict is simply emotional pressure revealing what is ready to be healed.

    It’s the signal that says:

    “Something inside you is asking for truth, responsibility, healing, and forgiveness.”

    Conflict isn’t the enemy.
    It’s the doorway.

    If You’re Ready to Go Deeper

    If this spoke to you, if it resonated, if you felt something inside you shift or soften as you read — that’s your authentic self waking up.

    And if you’d like personal guidance in breaking your Worst Day Cycle, communicating more deeply, and creating the relationship you’ve always hoped was possible, you’re welcome to explore booking a private session with me. No pressure.
    Just an invitation to the next step of your healing journey.

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • The #1 Communication Mistake Couples Make That Leads to FIGHTS

    The #1 Communication Mistake Couples Make That Leads to FIGHTS

    Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner thinking, “How did we even get here?”
     You started with something simple — dinner plans, the kids, chores, a memory from last week — and suddenly you’re in a full-blown fight.
    Maybe you feel misunderstood. Maybe they keep telling you what you should think or feel. Maybe every conversation feels like walking through a minefield.

    If that sounds familiar, I want to reassure you of something:

    There’s nothing wrong with you. And there’s nothing uniquely broken about your relationship.

    What you’re experiencing comes down to two deeply common patterns I’ve seen in every relationship — even the healthy ones:

    1. Reality Arguments
    2. Taking Each Other’s Inventory

    And once you understand these two patterns (and how to fix them), communication becomes easier, intimacy returns, and the temperature in your relationship drops almost overnight.

    Let’s break this down in a way that’s simple, relatable, and transformative.

    The Real Reason You’re Fighting: You’re Having a Reality Argument

    A reality argument happens when two people look at the same situation and see two different truths — and they both believe theirs is the “correct” one.

    That’s it.
    That’s the whole fight.

    And here’s the kicker: Neither of you is wrong.

    Think about watching sports.
    The referee makes a call — half the stadium erupts in outrage, the other half cheers.
    Same event.
    Two realities.

    Or politics — Democrat vs. Republican.
    Two realities.

    Or religion — billions of people with billions of different ways to understand the world.
    Two realities.

    But here’s where romantic relationships get stuck: We become dependent on our partner agreeing with our reality. We stop being lovers and start being referees. Instead of curiosity, we move into control. Instead of connection, we move into competition. And instead of saying, “Help me understand your view,” it becomes, “You’re wrong — and here’s why my reality is better.”

    The relationship shifts into a race to the bottom.
    Two people fighting for victimhood, each saying:

    “You hurt me when you said that.”
    “No, you hurt me when you said that!”

    Down, down, down it goes.

    Why This Hurts So Much: Reality Is Personal History

    Your reality is shaped by:

    • your childhood
    • your fears
    • your survival strategies
    • your past wounds
    • your successes
    • your traumas
    • your beliefs about safety and love

    And so is theirs.

    When your partner’s reality conflicts with yours, it’s not because they’re stubborn. It’s because they’re human. Once you adopt this mindset, arguments stop being threats and start becoming opportunities. You shift from trying to win to trying to understand.

    Connection replaces combat.

    The Second Pattern Destroying Your Relationship: Taking Their Inventory

    Taking inventory happens when you tell your partner:

    • What they should think
    • What they should feel
    • What they should believe
    • What they should do

    Or when you interpret their choices and assign meaning to them:

    “Oh, you enjoy that? That must mean you’re selfish.”
    “You don’t agree with me? You must not care.”

    And here’s the painful truth:

    Every time we take the inventory of someone else, we are giving them permission to do the same to us.

    Most people don’t recognize this as codependency — but that’s exactly what it is.

    It’s stepping out of our adult selves and climbing into their mind, trying to control how they live.

    And when we do that, we lose the foundation of a healthy relationship:

    • containment
    • personal responsibility
    • boundaries
    • autonomy
    • emotional maturity

    This is precisely why most couples fight — not because one person is “toxic” or “wrong,” but because both people are crossing the net into the other person’s territory.

    And that brings us to the metaphor that changes everything.

    The Tennis Court: The Simple Metaphor That Saves Relationships

    Imagine your relationship as a tennis court.

    Two players. A net in the middle.
    Each person has their side of the court.

    Now ask yourself:

    Are you allowed to jump over the net and tell your opponent how to hit the ball?
    Are you allowed to decide their technique for them?
    Are you allowed to critique or control their shots?

    Of course not.

    And they’re not allowed to do that to you either.

    The net = the boundary between your reality and theirs.

    Your side of the court includes:

    • your thoughts
    • your feelings
    • your beliefs
    • your actions
    • your interpretations
    • your self-regulation
    • your choices

    Your partner’s side includes theirs.

    Neither is right or wrong — they’re just different.

    Some players love a one-handed backhand. Some swear by two hands. Neither is wrong.
    Each simply reflects the player’s history.

    When you respect the net, communication becomes connection.

    When you ignore the net, communication becomes combat.

    The Game-Changing Shift: Stop Playing Their Shot, Start Playing Yours

    Before you say anything, ask yourself:

    “Am I jumping over the net?”

    If the answer is yes, stop.
    Take a breath.
    Stay on your side.

    And when your partner jumps the net?

    Don’t hit the ball back.

    Just let it bounce out of bounds.

    You get to choose whether you step into a fight — no one can “make you.”

    This is maturity.
    This is emotional authenticity.
    This is interdependence instead of codependence.

    How to Set Boundaries Without Escalating the Fight

    Here are a few simple, calm statements you can use when your partner jumps the net and tries to argue with your reality or take your inventory.

    1. When they take your inventory (tell you what you should think/feel/do):

    “Thanks for sharing. In the future, would you be willing to ask before giving advice?”

    2. When they assume your reality:

    “I hear that you’ve decided what my reality is. If you’d like to know, I’d be happy to share it.”

    3. When your realities differ:

    “I appreciate hearing your perspective. Can you tell me more about what shaped that view?”

    When you ask this, something beautiful happens.
    You shift from conflict to curiosity.
    You move from distance to intimacy.
    You stop being opponents and become teammates.

    And ultimately, that’s all any of us really want — to be heard, known, and understood.

    Make It Light, Make It Loving

    Once things calm down, you can even make this playful.

    When your partner jumps the net, you can smile, walk over, give them a kiss, and say:

    “Sweetheart… are you enjoying playing tennis for me today?”

    The tension breaks.
    Humor returns.
    Connection is restored.

    Relationships don’t have to feel like war.
    Most of the time, they simply need a new game.

    A Two-Week Challenge to Transform Your Relationship

    For the next two weeks:

    1. Get a journal.

    Each day, write down where you jumped the net and argued with your partners’ reality or took inventory.

    2. Then write the healthier alternative.

    “How could I have played that shot on my side of the court?”

    3. Stay accountable to yourself — not your partner’s behavior.

    Change starts with you modeling emotional maturity for yourself rather than demanding it from them.

    If you do this for even 7–14 days, you’ll see a dramatic shift.

    Less defensiveness.
    More listening.
    More intimacy.
    More calm.
    More connection.

    If You Want Deeper Support, I’m Here to Help

    If you’d like personalized guidance — actual scripts, step-by-step coaching, and tailored tools to help you play “relationship tennis” in a way that brings you closer — you’re welcome to schedule a private one-on-one session with me. Just click the hyperlinked text. No pressure.
    Just an invitation if you’re ready for the next step in your healing and in your relationship.

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • Understanding the Impact of Leaving a Narcissist: A Guide to Empowerment and Healing

    Understanding the Impact of Leaving a Narcissist: A Guide to Empowerment and Healing

    Deciding to leave a relationship with a narcissist is a profound and often challenging choice. The consequences of such a decision depend on the circumstances and the depth of understanding you have about the narcissistic dynamic. Whether you’re planning a short-term separation or a complete exit from the relationship, being informed is crucial to navigating the road ahead with confidence and hope.

    Are They Truly a Narcissist?

    Before making any decisions, it’s essential to identify whether your partner is genuinely a narcissist or if you might be dealing with a falsely empowered codependent. Sadly, many people misdiagnose or mislabel their partners due to a lack of awareness about the nuanced nature of codependency.

    A key distinction lies in behavioral patterns. Narcissists tend to display consistent behavior, resembling a desert’s relentless heat—day after day, the same, unchanging. In contrast, a falsely empowered codependent is more like Colorado’s seasons—long periods of harmony and joy, suddenly followed by colder, more distant phases, then renewed warmth. Recognizing these patterns helps you determine the actual nature of your relationship, which directly influences your approach to healing and decision-making.

    The Deep Roots of Narcissistic Behavior

    At their core, narcissists grapple with profound wounds of abandonment and rejection originating in childhood. These wounds are not genetic but developed through chaotic, neglectful, or overly enmeshing parenting. Whether physical neglect, emotional smothering, or creating an idealized “golden” child, these experiences shape narcissistic traits as defenses against deep-seated pain.

    Understanding this helps us foster compassion while maintaining healthy boundaries. It’s vital to recognize that the narcissist’s behavior is often a protective mechanism, not an indictment of your worth. Compassion can coexist with firmness in your boundaries—your primary responsibility is to care for your own healing journey.

    The Consequences of Leaving — Short-Term and Long-Term

    If you’re contemplating a brief separation—say, a few days or weeks—the immediate challenge is managing the narcissist’s reaction. Deep inside, narcissists carry significant abandonment wounds. When you step back, their defense is often anger—manifesting as criticism, hypersensitivity, or provocative arguments. They may attempt to punish or guilt-trip you, showing their distress through rage or manipulative behaviors.

    Recognizing this pattern allows you to stay grounded. Remember, these reactions stem from their unresolved pain, not from any inadequacy on your part. Your role is to protect your emotional well-being, seek support, and avoid becoming entangled in their attempts to manipulate.

    In contrast, fully leaving the relationship—especially if children are involved—requires strategic planning and self-awareness. Narcissists often respond with parental alienation tactics, working to turn children against the other parent by disparaging, criticizing, or even emotionally manipulating them. This insidious form of control aims to erode your relationship with your children and destabilize your efforts to move forward.

    Strategies for a Safe and Empowered Exit

    To navigate this complex process successfully:

    • Educate Yourself: Learn about parental alienation—how it works and how to counteract it. Protecting your children’s emotional health is paramount.
    • Create a Robust Plan: Before you leave, establish a safe, financial, and legal plan. Secure your funds, close or transfer accounts discreetly, and consider involving professionals to ensure you’re protected from financial exploitation or character defamation.
    • Limit Conflict and Character Attacks: Narcissists often resort to public shaming, online smear campaigns, or damaging your reputation to regain control. Be prepared and maintain your integrity.
    • Prioritize Self-Healing: The desire to fix or heal the narcissist often masks unresolved childhood wounds of your own. Working with mental health professionals can help you process trauma, reset boundaries, and reclaim your power.

    Hope and Empowerment Forward

    While leaving a narcissist can be fraught with pain and challenges, it is also an act of profound self-empowerment. By understanding the dynamics at play, you can make informed decisions that prioritize your health, happiness, and that of your children.

    Remember, healing is possible. Striving for awareness and compassion—both for yourself and others—will guide you through this journey. You are not alone, and brighter days lie ahead.

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • That Dark Truth About Empaths: What Nobody Tells You!

    That Dark Truth About Empaths: What Nobody Tells You!

    The Empath’s Hidden Burden: Unpacking Trauma, Shame, and the Illusion of Kindness

    If you often find yourself stressed, overwhelmed, or feeling like you’re carrying the weight of the world for others, it’s time to get real about something many kind, empathetic souls struggle with: the truth you might be unconsciously avoiding, and it is not your fault.

    Sadly, Dr. Elaine Aron, the creator of the term “empath,” misdiagnosed her own childhood trauma and created a false narrative that has left these poor souls fighting the wrong demon. Recent estimates show that 30% of the population now identifies as a Highly Sensitive Person or Empath. That is a whole swath of the population that has been misled and is suffering needlessly. I find that very sad.

    The Core of the Empathic Struggle

    You see, for those who identify as empaths, there are two colossal forces bubbling beneath the surface: horrific childhood trauma and debilitating shame. Understanding these isn’t about blaming; it’s about illuminating the path to genuine healing and emotional safety, and liberation.

    Trauma: The Childhood Foundation

    Now, if you’re thinking, “Trauma? My childhood was great!” I hear you. But here’s the thing: you don’t become an empath by accident. A deeply sensitive person only develops this hyper-awareness in childhood because their environment demanded it. Think of a child’s emotional landscape as an open, unshielded canvas. Whatever emotions our parents felt — their anxieties, their unexpressed anger, their fears — we absorbed them. We became mirrors of their emotional state.

    To survive, we learned to be hyper-attuned. For me, with a mother battling alcoholism and a father consumed by rage, survival meant becoming a human lie-detector, constantly scanning for emotional shifts. This was a brilliant, life-saving skill in childhood. It protected me. But, like an old survival kit, it becomes a burden in adulthood. The very mechanism that saved us then can now keep us from truly living. It’s why so many empaths feel overwhelmed in crowds, struggle in relationships, and constantly feel drained — the trauma of childhood is boomeranging back, keeping them stuck.

    Shame: The Silent Driver Behind Inauthentic Kindness

    And then there’s the second piece: debilitating shame.

    Have you ever heard the phrase “kill someone with kindness”? That’s a perfect description for some empaths. Many wear their extreme kindness like a badge of honor, almost saying, “Oh, I’m just too kind, that’s why people hurt me.”

    But here’s a powerful truth from the world of human behavior: when we experience severe trauma and shame, we often develop what’s called a reaction formation. This is an unconscious defense mechanism where we repress a disturbing, painful feeling and express the exact opposite.

    So, when an empath is excessively kind, it’s often a defense against a buried impulse to be “cruel.” Not because their heart is inherently cruel, but because underneath that shame and trauma lies a deep reservoir of unexpressed hurt, anger, and sadness. As children, they couldn’t stand up for themselves; expressing that raw emotion would have been “bad” or unsafe, reinforcing their shame.

    The “Thinly Sadistic” Nature of Avoidance

    Imagine all that unprocessed anger and pain building up. If an empath were to truly express that deep-seated rage, it would trigger that original shame and wounding they’ve spent a lifetime avoiding. So, what do they do? They double down on kindness. It becomes a rigid, almost inappropriate trait. This extreme kindness acts as a shield, ensuring they never have to feel that inner “cruelty” — that deep, raw anger — and therefore, never have to face the underlying shame.

    This is why many empaths find themselves repeatedly in relationships with narcissists. This “kindness” isn’t a freely given, authentic gift. It’s often coercive, manipulative, and yes, thinly sadistic (a term coined by John Bradshaw). Think about it: how truly authentic or loving is it to be “nice” to someone who doesn’t deserve it, or to give of yourself until you’re depleted, all while secretly resenting it? This isn’t a genuine connection; it’s a dynamic born from unaddressed trauma and shame.

    Finding Your Authentic Power

    This relentless kindness, in its most extreme form, is an empath’s way of hiding their own “darkness” — the very hurt and anger that, if faced, could lead to their greatest liberation. It’s time to recognize that true healing begins not by perpetuating the cycle with forced kindness but by acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions within and learning to be authentically imperfect. This is the first step on your journey to Emotional Authenticity.If this resonates with you and you’re curious about taking those next steps to heal childhood wounds and overcome shame, my book, Your Journey to Success, could be a helpful guide.

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • 5 Surprising Ways Pets Can Damage Relationships

    5 Surprising Ways Pets Can Damage Relationships

    We adore our pets — those furry bundles of loyalty, companionship, and unconditional affection. They greet us at the door like we hung the moon. They never criticize our outfit, never roll their eyes, and never forget to be happy to see us.

    But what if your sweet four-legged friend is quietly complicating your romantic relationships?

    In my coaching practice, I’ve seen this pattern over and over — especially with women. It’s not intentional, and it’s certainly not “bad,” but it is real. Today, let’s walk through the five hidden ways your pet may be shaping your relationships — and how to make sure those adorable paws don’t leave footprints on your love life.

    1. When Pets Become the New “Family”

    A recent Pew Research trend reveals a big shift: 57% of women now view their pet as equal to a family member, compared to 43% of men. That’s a huge difference.

    It wasn’t long ago that pets completed the family — after marriage, after kids. But for many women today, the pet is the family.

    You may relate to this:
    You curl up with your pup at night. You talk to your cat about your day. You invest your affection, your time, your emotional connection into the furry one who never lets you down.

    There’s nothing wrong with that — unless it unintentionally becomes a substitute for the connection you truly desire with another adult.

    In many ways, pets are becoming modern-day life partners — and society cheers it on. Commercials portray partners as annoyances while pets are the loyal, loving companions. We’re subtly taught that humans disappoint, but pets? Pets never do.

    It’s a comforting story… but also a limiting one.

    2. When Your Partner Becomes the “Mistress”

    Ever notice how everything revolves around the pet?

    Before you go anywhere:
    “Wait — we have to walk the dog!”
    “Hold on — we need to get home to feed the cat.”

    Spontaneous weekend away? Not without 24 hours’ notice and a pet sitter.
    A romantic overnight detour after a beautiful day trip? Impossible if the dog hasn’t been let out.

    In subtle but consistent ways, the pet becomes the spouse… and the partner becomes the mistress.

    I once worked with a man whose childhood still echoed with his mother’s nightly mantra:
    “Kids, wait — I have to feed the pets first.”

    The message was clear:
    “Your needs come second.”

    Decades later, he dated women who treated him the same way. Not because they were unkind, but because our brains, craving familiarity, unconsciously pull us toward what we know — even when it hurts.

    3. Pets as a Safe Hiding Place From Emotional Intimacy

    Children bond deeply with stuffed animals. Why?
    Because stuffed animals give comfort without demanding anything in return.

    Many adults accidentally recreate this dynamic with their pets.

    A relationship with a pet is a one-way street:
    You give when you want.
    You receive when you need.
    And if you’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed — you can emotionally “check out” without consequence.

    Humans don’t work that way.
    Healthy adult intimacy requires vulnerability, reciprocity, open-hearted communication, and mutual presence.

    So when people feel overwhelmed or afraid of intimacy, the pet becomes the perfect emotional substitute.

    • Sad? Snuggle the dog.
    • Angry? Take the cat for a long cuddle session.
    • Hurt by your partner? Retreat into the pet’s unconditional acceptance.

    It feels comforting. But it may also be keeping you from the deeper connection you deserve.

    4. Pets Can Reinforce Love Avoidance

    Love avoidance stems from childhood environments where a child was engulfed — emotionally smothered, over-relied on, or forced into adult responsibilities far too young.

    For people with this pattern, closeness often feels dangerous.
    Independence feels safe.
    And pets? Pets are the perfect “safe closeness.”

    You can love them without getting overwhelmed.
    They never burden you.
    You choose the distance.

    Unlike humans, pets don’t ask for more.

    Two love-avoidant people together can function beautifully. I once knew a couple like this — devoted animal activists whose home buzzed with the warmth they showered on their pets… while their interactions with each other were calm, factual, and emotionally distant.

    They weren’t unhappy — they were perfectly matched in their avoidance.

    Not all relationships need the same level of intimacy.
    The key is knowing your own.

    5. The Real Question: What Are Your “Pizza Toppings”?

    Imagine relationships like pizza.

    Some people are meat lovers.
    Some are veggie lovers.
    Some are “don’t you dare put olives anywhere near my slice.”

    There’s no right or wrong — just preference.

    Pets work the same way.

    Some people want a house full of animals.
    Some want none.
    Some like a balanced life where a partner comes first and a pet fits in harmoniously.

    Your job isn’t to judge anyone’s toppings — it’s to understand your own.

    • Do you need deep emotional closeness?
    • Do you prefer more independence?
    • Do you enjoy being someone’s primary emotional connection… or does that overwhelm you?
    • Do you want the pet to be part of the family — or the center of the universe?

    Once you know your toppings, you can choose a partner whose pizza blends beautifully with yours.

    Bringing It All Together

    Pets are wonderful.
    They bring joy, healing, and companionship.
    They’re not “the problem.”

    The issue isn’t the pet — it’s the unconscious emotional patterns that determine whether the pet becomes a complement to your relationship… or a quiet barrier to intimacy.

    Awareness is powerful.
    Once you see what’s happening, you can choose differently.
    You can create a partnership where both your pet and your person have a place in your heart — without competition, confusion, or resentment.

    And that, ultimately, is the journey to healthier love.

    Want to Explore This More Deeply?

    If something in this article sparked an insight — maybe a shift, a realization, or even an uncomfortable “wow… that might be me” — you don’t have to navigate it alone.

    If you’re curious, I invite you to explore the possibility of booking a private coaching session. No pressure — just an open door if you’re ready for deeper clarity, healing, and empowerment.

    Your best relationship is waiting. Let’s help you build the pizza you truly want. 🍕✨

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • Have You Experienced Codependency in Your Parenting

    Have You Experienced Codependency in Your Parenting

    In today’s Best Day Blog article I’m going to share with you 5 questions you can ask to discover if you were raised by codependent parents. I’ll also provide you helpful links, and help you identify how codependency might be showing up in your life. 

    Codependent Parents question one

    When you were a child and you felt angry, sad or scared at anything your parents did or said, could you talk to them? Were you able to have a conversation about how you felt?

    If you were unable to do so, this is a sign you were raised by codependent parents and suffered trauma. In particular, to fit into the family system you had to suppress your authentic self and create an adaptive persona. You most likely created a pleasing codependent persona.

    Codependent Parents question two 

    Do you have any secrets from your parents? Having secrets shows both trauma and codependent parents. It means that to be your authentic self, even now as an adult is not safe. The underlying understanding is one of, “if mom and dad knew what I really thought and felt, what I really liked and believed, they would reject me.” Let that sink in. You have to lie to the two people who are supposed to love and accept you unconditionally. What an incredibly terrifying experience for a child to endure. 

    If you can not accept or attach to how devastating that truth is, you are now aware of how deeply entrenched in denial you are about your childhood environment. This is the false codependent persona you developed to protect your authentic self because it was too terrifying and rejecting to be you. 

    If you are an adult and still not speaking up or keeping secrets it is a sign that you are still holding on to the belief that it is your job to keep your family together and to make your parents happy.

    Codependent Parents question three

    Could you sit and have an open discussion with your parents about their perfect imperfections? Could you share your feelings about what happened in your childhood and feel that they would take ownership of what happened, or at least acknowledge what you were saying? 

    If you can’t do it then it’s a sure sign that you suffered trauma and were raised by codependent parents. 

    Codependent Parents question four

    Do you excuse, minimize or justify your parent’s perfectly imperfect parenting? An example of this could be if someone was raised by very young parents and, therefore, any abusive or disruptive behavior is justified by ‘ But they were so young they didn’t know what they were doing!’ Or even worse, “It was good for me.”  

    These sentiments and using the word ‘but’ to excuse a parents behavior, are always combined with a feeling of being disloyal if they speak the truth about their parents. This is the disease of codependence. Lies, justification, secrets and living out of reality become the norm for survival. 

    Truth and responsibility are the cornerstones of love and intimate connected relationships. By not admitting and discussing these imperfections we are not loving our parents or in relationship with them. 

    Therefore, the most loving thing to do is to give them the responsibility they earned, and to remove this responsibility from yourself, as the child. By doing so, they may do their own healing and come to their own realizations about themselves and you can form an actual intimate loving relationship with each other. 

    Codependent Parents question five

    Have you ever said I should have or I could have? Those are shamed-based statements of a child who was not accepted for being imperfect, human and limited. Instead of offering guidance and direction, the parent punished with shame and therefore a child becomes filled with “should’s and could’s.”

    ‘Should’ have or ‘could’ have created a feeling of not being valuable unless something was done perfectly, rather than simply being worthy for having tried. This is also true of ‘If’ statements which state that, in the example of a child, you only have worth “if” you accomplish something.

    You will know you have healed from codependency, when your “if’s, “should’s,” and “could’s,” become “would’s.” For instance, ’I would have liked to have done that differently.” This is an acceptance of our perfectly imperfect nature. An acknowledgment that we are fallible and limited and most importantly, we forgive ourselves for our imperfections with out the need for shame

    Who is codependent?

    In my life experience I have yet to meet a person who can get through these five questions and therefore it is my professional opinion that we have all experienced trauma in childhood, codependent parents, and we all struggle with codependence. This is a dis-ease which is prevalent in  society

    Are parents to blame?

    No. Blame is just more shame. A person cannot be blamed for doing the best they can with the information they had at the time. Since society has never taught us about these dynamics, every parent was doing the best they could with the information they had at the time.

    Pia Mellody, in her book ‘Facing Codependence’ talks about this in great detail, she says,

     “In reality, what we tend to call normal parenting very often isn’t healthy for the child’s development. It is less than nurturing or abusive parenting. For example, many people think the range of normal parenting includes hitting a child with a belt, slapping a child across the face, screaming at a child, calling the child names, having the child sleep with them or being nude in front of a child who is older than the age of 3 or 4. Or, they think it’s acceptable to require small children to figure out a way to deal with life’s situations and problems themselves, rather than providing a concrete set of rules for social conduct and some basic problem solving techniques. 

    Some parents also neglect to teach basic hygiene such as bathing, daily grooming, the use of deodorants, dental care, removing dirt and stains and body odor from clothes, and how to keep them mended, expecting the child, somehow, to know on their own. 

    Others believe that if children are not given rigid rules and swift, severe punishment for breaking them the children will become juvenile delinquents, teen unwed mothers or drug addicts. Some parents, after making a mistake after punishing a child in error, because the full facts were not clear at the time of punishment, would never apologize to the child for the mistake. Such parents conceive that an apology would be seen as showing weakness that might undermine the parent’s authority. Some parents believe, perhaps unconsciously, that children’s thoughts and feelings have little validity because the children are immature and need training.

    These parents respond to a child’s thoughts and feelings by saying you shouldn’t feel that way or ‘I don’t care if you don’t want to go to bed, you’re going because it’s good for you’ . They believe they’re training the child in a functional way. Still other parents swing to the complete opposite extreme and overprotect their children, not making the children face the consequences of their own abusive and dysfunctional behavior.

    Such parents are often very intimate with their children, using them for confidence and sharing secrets beyond the children’s level of development. This too is abusive. Many of us who were raised in homes where this kind of behavior was common, grew up in the delusion that what happened to us was normal and appropriate. Our caregivers encouraged us to believe that our problems arose because we didn’t respond appropriately to what happened to us, filled with baffling feelings and with a distorted way of looking at what happened in our family of origin. 

    We got the idea that the way our families behaved toward us was correct and our caregivers were good. This meant by unconscious deduction, that since we weren’t happy or comfortable with some things that went on in our childhood, we were there for the problem and we were not good. Also, we apparently couldn’t please our parents by being what we were naturally. This delusion that the abuse was normal and we were wrong locks us into the disease of codependence with no way out.”

    While I believe it is true that parents are not to blame, they are responsible. In my reality it is each parents job to educate themselves on how to be a parent. That education never ends. If a parent chooses not to learn the skills and tools necessary it is kind and loving to hold them accountable for that choice. 

    Again, to love and be in relationship requires truth and responsibility. Each parent needs to take responsibility and admit the truth that they chose not to educate themselves. From that place, reclamation, reconnection and relationship are possible.

    Helpful links

    The Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) study is a landmark study done which shows that 70% of us have experienced severe childhood trauma. We must, as a society, get into the reality of the epidemic of childhood trauma. Remember, relationship comes from living in truth and taking responsibility. 

    Take the quiz here to discover how many Adverse Childhood Experiences you suffered and begin your journey into truth and responsibility

    To learn how your childhood trauma is repeating itself in every area of your adult life and how you are caught in what I call The Worst Day Cycle, I suggest my book Your Journey To Success. 

    Pick up Pia Mellody’s book ‘Facing Codependence’ and her other works, to learn the full healing process for your codependency.

    Would you like to begin the healing journey from childhood trauma, and codependent parents? Enroll in my free masterclass ‘Your Journey to Emotional Authenticity’.

    To watch the video and learn more click here:

  • The Two Types Of Codependents And The Five Traits Of Codependency

    The Two Types Of Codependents And The Five Traits Of Codependency

    In todays Best Day Blog article I am going to talk about the two types of codependents and the five traits of codependency.

    Codependency is a term that is used to describe a psychological disorder that revolves around a need for dependence on others. There are two types of codependents: the typical disempowered and the less known falsely empowered codependent.

    By understanding the two types of codependents and the five traits of codependence, you can start to understand your own codependent tendencies and improve your relationship with yourself.

    Each codependent type experiences the five core characteristics but they express the traits in polar opposite ways

    The 5 Core Characteristics of Codependency are:

    1. Lack of Self-love 

    2. Lack of Boundaries 

    3. Out of Reality 

    4. Lack of Self Care 

    5. Lack of Maturity & moderation

    Codependency and the worst day cycle

    Codependency and the worst day cycle are intricately linked. If you want to find out more about the worst day cycle, then I really recommend picking up my book ‘Your Journey To Success’ so that you can get into reality that all of us experience childhood trauma which then creates a codependent addiction to repeat that trauma as adults. 

    If you prefer, I also have codependency and worst day cycle playlists on my Youtube channel so you can deepening your understanding. 

    The Wounded Inner Child and Codependency

    One of my past videos ‘The Wounded Inner Child’ I show how the wounded child and the adapted wounded child are created as a result of the worst day cycle. To give a quick summary, the wounded child is formed in the first 5 years of life and that creates the disempowered codependent. The falsely empowered codependent is generally formed at a later stage, anywhere from 6-17 years old. Oftentimes, the wounded child will morph into the adapted wounded child. 

    As mentioned, visit my YouTube channel to dive in more to this topic and carry on reading to find out more about the 5 characteristics of codependency and how they get expressed differently as a disempowered or falsely empowered codependent. 

    The 5 Core Codependency Characteristics of The Disempowered

    1. Lack of Self-love 

    The disempowered’s self-worth is determined by other people’s thoughts, feelings or actions. They are unable to feel self-love by themselves and will often feel a sense of self-detest and inadequacy. They tend feel as though they are lower than other people in relationships, often belittling themselves, feeling worthless and empty. They will give themselves away and be ‘people-pleasers’. Interestingly, they will often develop other esteem, for example believing that their value comes from helping others. However, they will do this in order to hide a deep sense of shame which comes from an inner wound from childhood that says to them that they have no worth or value. 

    A term that John Bradshaw, one of the world’s leading figures in the field of codependency and recovery, uses the term ‘thinly sadistic’ to describe there niceness. He explains that the disempowered codependent can sometimes (often without realizing) use their ‘niceness’ as a way to get people to then play the victim for not being recognized, appreciated or validated for their niceness. In other words, they are not aware that instead of being truly nice, they do things for others so they can then resent them for not being noticed.  

    2. Lack of Boundaries 

    The disempowered codependents are too dependent and unrealistically expect care at all times. They will say ‘you owe me!’ often and will have very few boundaries for themselves or others. They can’t say no and they give themselves and their power away to others in the hope that someone will notice them. They make other people responsible for their wellbeing, or they will take responsibility for everyone else’s wellbeing. This is another aspect of the “thinly sadistic” niceness.

    They see boundaries as mean, selfish and unkind. 

    3. Out of Reality 

    Both the disempowered and the falsely empowered are out of reality when experiencing codependence – they won’t recognize that they are dysfunctional. 

    The disempowered are unconscious to the truth that they are deceiving themselves about who they are, they cannot contain their truths and they overshare (they do not have boundaries). They aren’t able to make direct requests and will expect others to read their mind – this is out of touch with reality because this isn’t realistic and is also a manipulative behavior. However, they will rarely be able to see their behavior as manipulative because they are so out of reality. 

    They will allow others to dictate how they should think, act or believe, but when it comes to a situation ending badly they will not be able to take ownership of the part they played (in giving their power away). 

    On the positive side, due to their authentic need for connection, the disempowered are usually more willing to get help, even though they are out of reality. 

    4. Lack of Self Care 

    The disempowered are very ineffective at meeting their own needs and wants. They will tend to be too needy and will require constant attention (although they won’t see that this is their responsibility) and they will feel guilt or shame if they spend too much time working on themselves. They will avoid self-care by taking care of others first and this is where the covert, manipulative dynamic comes in because they are, actually, manipulating from this place to get recognition and attention.

    They will likely be sick a lot because this is the only way they know that they can get the love and attention they crave – they have only learned how to get this attention through a disempowered manipulation. Again, they are out of touch with reality because they are unaware that is what they are doing. 

    5. Lack of maturity & moderation

    The disempowered are chaotic, immature, out of control, they procrastinate and they delay gratification. They can, at times, be obstinate and stubborn, acting impulsively, without thinking, and often struggle with addiction. 

    The 5 Core Codependency Characteristics of The Falsely Empowered

    1. Lack of Self-love 

    The falsely empowered codependent sees themselves as better than others. They can be arrogant, grandiose, or caught in the delusion of perfectionism and the delusion that they are flawlessly good. They develop “other esteem”, believing their value comes from admiration from others and adulation derived from achievement. Achievement and the presentation of being confident is a smokescreen to hide their deep shame and lack of inherent worth. 

    Because so few people teach about the falsely empowered codependent, many people incorrectly label a person as a narcissist when in fact they are a falsely empowered codependent. To learn how not to confuse the two, check out my video titled, “Are They a Codependent or a Narcissist.” 

    2. Lack of Boundaries

    The falsely empowered are anti-dependent and invulnerable. They never ask for help or admit 

    to needing help. The falsely empowered say ‘no’ as a power-play or to seek retribution. Their conscious and unconscious goal is to gain power and control in order to keep themselves safe. 

    They can be judgmental, critical, defensive, dismissive, and they will often withhold information. The falsely empowered are walled-in and walled off – they avoid intimacy by not letting themselves be known.

    3. Out of reality

    The falsely empowered are out of reality about their dysfunction. They are unconscious and deceiving themselves about the truth of who they are. The falsely empowered don’t know, or don’t share, their truth but believe they do – they will say that they are very honest, open people. They use their success to deceive themselves that they are doing well in life. They guard against letting others know them but, even worse, defend against knowing themselves. 

    Their deep shame core gets covered over with false arrogance and a false belief in their competency, as well as the pursuit of achievement. They leave out details, avoid discussion or argument and they stay busy to avoid reality and connection. They believe they are ‘better than’ and they will resist recovery, rarely getting professional help because they don’t think they need it. 

    They are, unfortunately, the toughest to treat because they are so out of touch with reality – this ‘pig-headedness’ will often see them mislabeled as narcissists. 

    4. Lack of Self-Care

    The falsely empowered are needless and wantless, they won’t ask for help because they don’t believe they need it. They don’t want to appear weak and, therefore, they tend to avoid interdependence. They are disinterested, forgetful, late (lateness is all about power), dismissive, or even become angry at having to care for others. 

    Both the disempowered and falsely empowered get sick and hurt to control the others. 

    5. Lack of maturity and moderation

    The falsely empowered are overly mature, rigid, perfectionistic, obsessive, stubborn, and controlling. They are ‘doers’ – they cannot sit still and can’t moderate their work/life balance.  Addiction is very common and they use health issues as a way of controlling others. 

    How do you heal from codependency?

    Firstly, having the understanding from the above characteristics will help you to notice which of these codependent types you are. To achieve that I suggest taking my, “How To Heal From Codependence Questionnaire.” 

    Following that, my book ‘Your Journey to Success’ will help you to learn about the worst day cycle which gives birth to codependence. For the complete summation of the two types of codependence and the five core characteristics I suggest Pia Mellody’s book ‘Facing Codependence.”

    When you are ready to heal from your codependence I encourage you to go to my website www.thegreatnessu.com where you will find 3 really extensive masterclasses on healing from codependence. These are:

    If you’re at the start of this journey and aren’t sure about investing in your recovery, you can start with the audible only versions of the classes to get your feet wet.

    To Learn more about codependence, watch the video here:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxkOf3xADT8[/embedyt]

  • How To Keep Your Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps

    How To Keep Your Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps

    Do you find yourself often saying, ‘They made me feel “________Fill in the blank’? In today’s Best Day Blog article and accompanying video, I will show you how to keep your boundaries in 3 simple steps so you never feel that way again.

    The first thing to recognize is that no one ever makes us think, feel, do, or believe anything. Therefore, when we accuse someone of those things, we lose our internal boundary and fall into codependence. I will show you how to prevent that. 

    Step 1- Focus on our part.

    We must get into reality. To do this, we must acknowledge one simple truth – every day, we deceive ourselves and others, and this self-deception robs us of connection and self-love. Being out of reality is one of the five core symptoms of codependence, according to expert Pia Mellody. Psychologist Jerry Jellison showed that the average person lies to themselves and others 200 times a day. Therefore, we must be brutally honest about admitting and accepting that we all lie. To start this journey, we must recognize that the initial impulse will be to lie to ourselves about this truth and say, “not me. I don’t lie.”.

    To avoid that common self-deception, follow this three-step process to keep yourself in reality when someone says something to you. 

    1- Is any part of it true? 

    2- If any part of it is true, take ownership of your part, openly admit your imperfections and put a plan in place to make amends. 

    3- Why is it true? This step requires us to investigate how the pain from our past created this perfect imperfection. Once discovered, we can do the healing work and forgive ourselves for doing the best we could and being human.

    An example from my own life happened when a viewer said that I reminded her of a car salesman with my mannerisms and way of speaking. She mentioned that it took a few different videos before she could understand my way of sharing information before she could learn to appreciate what I was saying. 

    A codependent response would have been to give me away and fight back. However, because I used the above process, I could accept that, at times, my mannerisms lend themselves to that perception. Therefore, I responded that I see it in myself and am always working on my delivery. Looking at step three of asking why I could be coming across like this brought me to my childhood. My grandfather was like this as well, and it was simply environment and upbringing that contributed to how I show up today. 

    So, whenever you receive disparaging comments, don’t defend. Instead, start with, ‘Is there something I need to own here? Where is the truth?’

    Step 2 – Focus on their part – Learn about their reality.

    If all or part of what they said is untrue, we switch our focus to what might be happening inside them. But unfortunately, because of their detachment from reality and self-deception, they often don’t recognize that they want us to fix their problem, which is not our responsibility.  

    The first step in learning about their reality is looking at their comment and how they said them. For example, did they say it with sarcasm, anger, or fear?

    Sarcasm = anger

    Anger = fear

    Fear = sadness

    At the heart of every disparaging comment we ever get in our lives, from whoever it is, whether it’s a stranger online or a close family member, is their sadness. Sarcasm, anger, and fear are all veils to hide the sadness held within. Knowing this helps to create the distance between what someone is saying about you. It creates a shift and helps to alleviate the ‘He/she made me feel like this’ because you can understand where this is coming from for them. 

    You can now CHOOSE how you feel about their comments! When you live by the false understanding that ‘they made me feel like this,’ you have lost your internal boundary and become codependent. You are choosing to be codependent, take on their sadness and feel how they do. Again, no one ever makes us feel anything unless we lose our internal boundaries. 

    At this point, you ask yourself, ‘What might be happening in their life that might make them sad?’ Remember that it might be true whenever anybody disparages you, but it is also a projection of their perfect imperfection. You can choose not to carry their sadness for them and protect your boundaries. Remember that it is not your job to heal them.

    This final step in learning about their reality is to ask yourself, ‘How might these feelings be about their imperfections that they are now projecting onto me or wanting me to fix for them?’

    Step 3 – Make an empowered choice- Nobody makes us feel anything unless we give them that power.

    Now that you’ve looked at your and their parts, we make a decision. We have to make an empowered choice: 

    1- Am I going to choose to play the victim, surrender my worth and allow another person’s reality to determine who I am? 

    2- Am I going to choose to play the victor, love myself and them by honoring my reality and keeping my internal boundary?

    I would choose number 2. Although many people choose number one to stay the child, play the victim and get the other person to be responsible for their feelings. The choice is yours. Either way, you create a boundary of sorts. It is simply up to you which boundary you choose. 

    Solutions.

    1- Take advantage of my free download- How To Keep Our Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps.

    2- To learn more about projection and blame-shifting, check out my Self-deception and Denial Playlist On Youttube.

    3- If you are ready to do heal your pain from the past and your codependence and have rock-solid boundaries, enroll in my online class, The Complete Journey To Create Lasting love And Connection. 

    To Learn More, watch the video here:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOFxY-oCG6o[/embedyt]

  • The Difference Between Codependence And Interdependence

    The Difference Between Codependence And Interdependence

    The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency. 

    Dysfunctional Relationships

    I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like? Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized, often codependent and dysfunctional. Because of how relationships are displayed to us through the media and our own experiences growing up, I believe we are all codependent. Therefore, it’s nothing to feel ashamed of, but now is the time to learn and grow. So, let’s dive into what codependency and interdependence actually look like so that you can begin your journey. 

    Codependence

    How society creates codependence

    It is the loss of individuality. So often, the message we receive about love is that we must give up everything to make it work, including parts of ourselves. In particular, in reality, TV shows and on social media, there is a message being portrayed that real love only exists when both people in a relationship are completely and utterly devoted to every need and want of their significant other. They believe that each of them is on a pedestal and admired rather than respected and dependent outside of the relationship and inside. This creates codependency and is often a total melting of personalities into one unified soul. While building a solid bond is crucial, there is a distinction between that and the toxic nature of codependency. 

    How the words should and could are a sign of codependence

    The words ‘should’ and ‘could’ are clear signs of codependency. You’ll notice that many people who speak about relationships, i.e., relationship coaches or experts, will say things like ‘Your man should be doing this for you’ or ‘She could do more!’ but what this is, is a denial of reality. It is a lack of acceptance for who the person is by asking them to be someone or do something that isn’t what’s happening. So now, you are not accepting your partner as themselves and instead forcing them to be something they are not. 

    Acceptance of your partner’s (or friends’) perfect imperfections shows interdependence, but a sense that they ‘should’ or ‘could’ be doing something else, is codependent. If you’re unable to stop doing this, then it’s time to look back at yourself and ask, ‘Why am I unable to accept the reality of my partner? Why am I trying to get them to change?’. This may be difficult as it may cause realizations that the partner or friend you picked is not who you desire to be with, but it’s better to own this truth than live in denial and try to force them to be who they are not. 

    The inability to accept the truth and perfect imperfections

    The idea that your partner has to ‘have your back’ at all times is codependent. Again, this is a ‘should’ belief that they ‘should’ be there to support you always. However, asking this of them is forcing them to abandon themselves completely. When we demand someone to have our back at all times, we are requesting that they be complicit in our perfect imperfections rather than holding us accountable, which, in truth, is the more loving thing to do. When we can take ownership and get into reality about the demands we are placing on others, we can recognize that we are codependent and make changes to heal ourselves and our relationships.

    One of the most significant hallmarks of codependence is an inability to accept the truth and reality that we are all perfectly imperfect. Doing so moves us into interdependence.

    Interdependence

    Making relationship deposits

    Rather than always relying on your partner to have your back or be a mind-reader, in an interdependent relationship, both parties make ‘relationship deposits’ into the shared loving space that supports one another. This loving space is created and added to when you enjoy doing certain hobbies together or spend time together doing things you both want to do. 

    Importantly, in an interdependent relationship, you are also able to choose to do something that your partner wants to do, even if you may not particularly feel as though you want to, from a place of wanting to make a loving deposit, rather than an expectation from your partner that you ‘should,’ just because they want you to. In other words, codependence says, ‘I don’t care whether or not you want to do it. You SHOULD do it with me anyway if you love me,’ and interdependence says, ‘I am choosing to do this with you because I want to make a loving deposit to this relationship.

    The importance of knowing our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiables and non-negotiables

    We all have our morals and values, needs and wants, negotiables and non-negotiables. While many believe they know what theirs are, they do not. This intense process requires skills we have never been taught. If you have not done the work to lay out what yours are, then it is likely, you won’t be able to have a successful, interdependent relationship. Fortunately, I have produced a three-part video series on my Youtube channel.that walks you through the complete process 

    In a healthy, interdependent relationship, the morals and values, needs and wants, and negotiables and non-negotiables of both people are understood by each side, and the boundaries around these are honored to create a relationship that supports, rather than expects. An interdependent person will be comfortable sharing them because they aren’t afraid of being rejected or abandoned. In contrast, a codependent person will use manipulation and a lack of boundaries to keep their partner close to them, in spite of what their partner wants or needs themselves. 

    Also, an interdependent person is comfortable admitting and owning their perfect imperfections because they recognize that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all can inadvertently cause hurt and pain to others. A surefire sign of codependency is not being able to admit their flaws for fear of being shamed, abandoned, or rejected. 

    Again,the secret to interdependence is to get into reality and begin to admit to our flaws and perfect imperfections.

    Interdependence recognizes we can only promise today.

    Interdependent, emotionally healthy mature adults recognize that we can only promise a person today. This isn’t to say they won’t be committed. However, an interdependent person will wake up each day and ask themselves, ‘Am I still in this relationship from a place of will?’. ‘Am I willing to make relationship deposits?’ In a mutually interdependent relationship, the other person will recognize and accept this truth rather than trying to force the relationship to continue.

    The interdependent recognizes you can not control how someone thinks, feels, or believes, and to do so is a fruitless and abusive act. Interdependent people accept that thoughts and beliefs can change. They don’t live in delusion or expect a person never to change or develop new morals, values, needs and wants, negotiables and non-negotiables. 

    Therefore, if a relationship doesn’t work out, it is not solely the other person who is to blame. They accept that both people in a relationship are responsible for a relationship breakdown. That is why they look to own their part first instead of blaming others.  For instance, this relationship would have never started if I had not chosen to allow this person into my life. They take responsibility for that truth and begin working to unpack what they need to heal themselves.

    Solutions

    1- Sadly, much of the information about codependence is missing a vital part – that of the falsely empowered codependent, not just the disempowered we are all familiar with. The authority on this topic is Pia Mellody. Her books, ‘Facing Codependence’ and ‘Facing Love Addiction’ will provide you with the most complete understanding of codependency. When you want to learn what a healthy interdependent relationship looks like, I suggest her book, ‘Intimacy Factor..’ I believe her three books are required before ever pursuing any relationship. I would love to see them as required reading in schools. I believe they are that important.

    2- I suggest my book ‘Your Journey to Success‘ because this will help you to learn about the worst day cycle and how we all have unhealed childhood trauma, which creates our codependence.

    3- I suggest subscribing to my Youtube Channel and watching the following three videos. 

    Codependence Recovery | Understanding Morals and Values

    Codependence Recovery | How To Ask For Your Needs and Wants

    Codependence Recovery | How to Determine Negotiables and Non-Negotiables

    4- Make sure you also take advantage of these FREE downloads I have created to help you:

    How To Remove Felling Rejected.

    How To Heal From Codependence Questionnaire

    How To Keep Our Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps 

    Create Lasting Love And Conquer Confrontation

    How To Heal From Codependence- Giving The Pain Back

    5- For those who are ready to develop a healthy, loving, interdependent relationship free of codependence, I also have this masterclass, ‘The Complete Journey To Create Lasting Love And Connection,‘

    6- In most cases, healing codependence and developing deep interdependent love and connection requires professional help. I work with clients all across the world to achieve this. You can schedule your appointment with me today here:  Private Coaching session. 

    To learn more, watch the full video here:

    [embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN0I19QNGYE[/embedyt]